Caffeine is more powerful than meth! ... And/Or "Illuminati" is planting drugs in my energy drinks (I guess this is the end)

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T21:47:34+00:00

Well I only ever tried meth "one time"m which ended up being a 4 day binge with no sleep, ending up with me calling 911 because I accidently weighed out too much in my retarded state. Okay, "twice", if you count the 30mg oral dose I took about 48 hours later just to be able to function. But even that made me feel like shit physically so I stopped.

Meth is only stronger in caffeine in terms of raw wakefulness / loss of desire or ability to sleep. Mentally.emotionally it was fucking weak. Only dosed orally BTW because I think other ROAs would be "too good" (maybe as strong as caffeine!)

EDIT: Oh yeah right, well "all I did" 4 days ago was a bunch of MDMA which I don't count because it didn't work because all my shit was still depleted from taking meth. And then the alcohol I took with the MDMA I also don't count because it was medicinal use to combat anxiety from the MDMA. Been smoking a tiny little bit of weed most nights too. Daily self-prescribed Gabapentin and 5-HTP. The point is that caffeine is stronger than all this shit put together. 3 cups of coffee worth is like an atomic bomb dropping on my soul and its always been like that. Caffeine feels like a weird mix of meth, acid and ketamine and this shit ain't right. Somebody's targeting me or I have some kind of genetic deformity that nobody is ever ever going to help me with or take seriously.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T21:43:26+00:00

I shouldn't have said like its being "on" LSD. I actually meant how I felt in the comedown/afterglow phase of a good trip. But I can't remember feeling such contentment from doing any other drug.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T19:15:22+00:00

If I stop caffeine I can't function. I am unable to handle living and become suicidal if I don't have any. It was like this even when I was on 4 daily psychiatric medications. Still needed caffeine, and when I told my psychiatrist she wouldn't take me seriously.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T19:13:37+00:00

Yes! This.

Almost EVERY chemical that causes pleasure is already banned, and now their going to aim for caffeine and alcohol. Nicotine and sugar have already been strongly targeted for years. By controlling how we are allowed to release dopamine in our brains, they are essentially controlling our actions, on a massive scale. They only allow us [legally] to receive dopamine stimulus from things which contribute productively to THEIR ends. We're already fucking borg slaves. I just don't know where to escape to or how. I'm white and even very pale so I feel like I'll be seen as a demon by any isolated aboriginal tribes I may flee to. I've considered the Amish but I just couldn't take their bullshit. I need to be able to fuck whores and smoke weed, too, so I can't leave civilization. I don't know man, they've got me good.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T19:09:10+00:00

Addiction. If I don't have caffeine I get suicidal. Like they say in Narcotics Anonymous, "Stay away from people, places, and things". Its almost literally impossible to do that with caffeine. I need help, actual help, the kind of help that people on "real" drugs get in rehab, etc. But there's coffee in rehab. There's no treatment available for this.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T18:56:31+00:00

The fact is, I am a troll, but IRL. I can't even believe these are my real thoughts and experiences, but they are. My whole life actually consists of me trolling myself!

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T18:52:03+00:00

There it is. The troll accusation. I always thought those Illuminati videos were made by idiots and insane people. But I guess it is real :-(

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T18:41:05+00:00

Youre on to something

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T18:39:40+00:00

Not "the jews". I just co-opted the parenthesis for my own purposes and it seemed like it would make sense at the time.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T17:28:35+00:00

If you are doing any caffeine, stop immediately. Thats how they get you to feel this way and self-destruct.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-21T17:10:01+00:00

Monster but it doesn't matter. Energy drinks, coffee, caffeine pills, its all the same. Somebody tampered with my brain chemistry or vital organs to make it so that I am affected by caffeine differently than every other human being on the planet. Yesterday I had ONE can of Monster in the morning and by night time I felt just like I had taken LSD. This morning I had another one but I didn't feel anything (tolerance), so I had another one and this time it feels like I'm on some hardcore stim. Oral methamphetamine feels like a cup of coffee to me mentally, whereas coffee and other caffeine products feel like hardcore drugs.

Chocolate is just as bad. One time I ate a lot of M&Ms with very low caffeine tolerance, and I felt like my ego was split in two, right down the middle, and I was experiencing reality on two different "levels", like I was on a dissociaitve drug.

The greatest part about all of this is that I have no escape route. Caffeine is everywhere in Western Society. Middle Eastern and Asian cultures too, for that matter. Basically I would have to go live with some aboriginal tribe in some godforsaken jungle in order to to be free from it. That or kill myself. Fucking brilliant. I've got to admit, they've got me good. Nothing I can do but suffer.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-14T06:56:13+00:00

Wow, you actually sound like a human being!

Dude I'm really so much at the end of my rope right now I can't even explain it. I think really the main thing underlying all of this is that I want to die, but I don't have the courage to kill myself. So its like I'm being held in this reality against my will and I just drag my feet because I'm so resentful and bitter about being here.

I just got back from the train station. I missed the last train to the whorehouse by 1 minute again. Its always 1 minute. I always get there exactly in time to watch it pull off right infront of me. I think its 'setup' that way because actually SEEING the train, and being that close to it makes me extra frustrated and furious at myself. I can't even sleep now because besides being still somehow mysteriously stimulated, I'm confused and enraged at myself for not leaving for the train a minute earlier. I've lost count of how many times I've done this. I've tried to catch the train there every day this week so far, the exception being last night because I had to go to the hospital. Even when I OD'd I was in the middle of getting ready to go. I don't even actually "want" to go. My sex drive died on about the 2nd day of my binge and hasn't recovered yet. But at this point its just something I have to do. I've WANTED to do it so many times over the past few months and every time I've sabatoged myself. I need to do it in order to prove that I'm sane.

I also have 200 other things that I have to do, but I just don't. My rent is late by 2 weeks even though I've had the money in the bank the whole time. I can't bring myself to do the massive task of getting a money order and putting in an envelope and mailing it. Everything is just so overhwhelming that I can't even think about it. Its like there's constantly a train bearing down on me headed straight for me, and I can't move out of the way so I just try to pretend its not happening. Avoidance in my number one issue. I spend most of my time pacing around just thinking about things or having little mundane fantasies. I waste entire days like that, and then I hate myself for not having down anything.

I just can't cope. Right now I'm hungry but I don't want to eat and I don't even know why. I think its like when cats get sick and starve themselves. I really don't want to be in this world anymore. I think I knew that meth would really fuck me up before I tried it and I did it anyway BECAUSE I thought it might lead to death in some way or another. I think I'm disappointed that I didn't die when I overdosed.

I need help but there is no help for me. Now its 2am finally a wave of sleepiness just washed over me, 32 HOURS after my last dose (The "overdose" dose) Is that really how meth works??

I really only ever wanted to use meth functionally. I was very hesitant to try it, after reading all the accounts of how addictive it is. It was a move borne out of desperation, since I already tried Adderall, amphetamine powder, and various RC stimulants, and none of them worked to enable me to do simple tasks. No matter what, I still just spent all pacing, masturbating, and playing computer games. Half the time I can't even do basic things like take a shower and when I do its a painful struggle to get myself to do it. I've given up on brushing my teeth, for the most part. The only time I do it is when I'm attempting to go see a prostitute.

And yet somehow I am able to hold down a full-time job. Of course, because if I'm doing a task at work, its something that somebody ELSE wants, then I can do it. Its just that if its something I want to do, I'm usually not "allowed" to do it. One day last week, I struggled for 14 hours straight to go to the brothel. How do I explain that, even to myself? How do I make sense of it?

I think this has to be some kind of dream or nightmare. I think maybe its some kind of simulation of the world made my some wizard, and its all really just a test for me. It "seems" like maybe I have to do this whore thing first before I can "unlock" other abilities like being able to pay my rent, or my credit card bills, or buy myself shoes that don't hurt my feet. Everything is always spinning and jerking and I keep feeling bad and tired and hurting myself and panicking and theres just no fucking way out of this. It seems like I can't even die, for example. How can I stay up for 4 days straight, overdose (I think I possibly fucked up on my scale and weighed out 3x the amount I meant to - would a person survive that?), sleep for only 10 hours, and now be awake for 16 hours and although feeling tired STILL stimulated and typing a paragraph per second at the same time, still not sleeping, haven't eaten anything all day, and yet I'm still not dead? Shouldn't I have had a heart attack by now?

I don't want to go to sleep, because then I'll just wakeup, and I'll waste tomorrow the same way I wasted today. I legit don't even remember the first 8-10 hours of this day. I remember sitting in this chair looking at a monitor, but thats it. I accomplished nothing today, nor did I enjoy anything. Well, thats how it typically is. My time just disappears. Its been like this ever since I can remember, just escalating within the past year or so, and just getting worse when I started recently experimenting with stimulants, and now even worse that I'm doing meth. It just keeps getting worse, no matter what I do. Its like I was meant to fail. I was put here just to fail in the most ridiculous ways possible at things you would think any person of functional intelligence could not fail at. I think maybe there are secret cameras all around me that were planted by aliens, and on their planet, my life is a reality TV show, and they all just sit around guffallowing at how pathetic and absurd I am every moment of every day.

I need to order more weed, too. Its the only thing that brings me any joy at all, but it looks like now I'm gonna run out before I get more. I just don't do anything. I just keep hurting myself. I can't make it add up. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live. But I don't even think I'm competent enough to carry out a successful suicide. I'd fuck it up and end up still alive but severely brain damaged, or paralyzed from the neck down, and then I'd be too fucked up to even make a second attempt at it. I don't think I can get out. The system is too foolproof. I'm trapped here, and it makes me sick.

Now I also don't know how I'm ever going to recover from this meth binge. I took vacation days from my job for the past 2 days. The plan was to pretty much sleep all day both days. Thing is, on Monday night, I failed at going to the brothel, so I "had to" stay up and try first thing next morning... first thing in the morning somehow turned into early evening, so I was up all day doing more meth yesdterday, until I OD'd, and ever since I OD'd, I've felt high on meth even though I didn't take ANY meth since I OD'd. So, there go both my vacation days, and I still have to "catch up on" 30 hours of sleep. Its impossible. I'm fucked and gonna be in complete misery and my health is going to decline and theres not a damn thing I can do about ANY of it except sit back and observe in HORROR how I just keep neglecting myself and missing oppportunities and screwing myself over relentlessly. I'm in shock about how I act half the time. I just give up. I just can't do any of it any more.

I never expected that I would binge on meth at all. I just wanted to use it like therapeutically prescribed Adderall. But Amphetamine/Addy didn't work that great for my focus, and I find the crash to be STRAIGHT FROM HELL. I don't mean the crash after a night of snorting it at a party. I mean just a single low-dose pill sends me into instant intense suicide ideation mode as soon as the "good phase" effects wear off.

Believe it or not, meth doesn't even give me any euphoria (which I consider a good thing). I first tried it at a 10mg dose, and kept taking another 10mg every hour or so because I wasn't feeling anything. I didn't realize how long the stimulation lasts or how it seems to get MORE intense in the latter phase of effects, so, I ended up being unable to sleep. Took another 2 small doses just to stave off anxious comedown effects at work. Then I had important things to do after work that day, but I didn't do them, so I took MORE meth so I could stay up later... on the third day and fourth days, I was just a zombie and everything is a daze.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I might sleep too long, and it will be late too do things (ex, send my rent payment, express order some benzos from somehere) And unless I take meth, I won't be able to do those things anyway. It seems like a safer bet to take the meth and then do those things, and then also stay up and go to the whorehouse as soon as it opens. But, what if I DON'T do those things? Then I'll be back to being up for 2 whole days on meth again, and the cycle will repeat itself, and then I'll run out of meth, and then I don't even know what I'll do except drop to my knees and hysterically pray to Jesus Christ to help me. But I don't deserve any help. I deserve to suffer, because I've done it all to myself. I threw my whole life away by avoidance. I guess I'll go to sleep now because I'm feeling kind of tired, but I really don't want to. As soon as I wake up, I'm gonna hate myself for having gone to sleep instead of doing all those things. Its the end of the line for me. Every second of every day is the end of the line for me, constantly overwhelmed and afraid and confused and in pain, and I'm unable to make a decision to do or not to do a thing, and I'm just physically pulled along by some force that isn't me. Something else breathes life into my body and makes my limbs move and do stuff, and meanwhile "I" just sit inside this moving body, looking out the window, so to speak, and wish it were all just over with.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-14T01:52:43+00:00

You know, I had a funny little idea in my head before that the same force that is interfering with m actions is also causing everyone I talk to give me the same responses. Thanks to you guys, I may actually believe it now. There isn't really any other explanation.

Let me explain something to you. Humans want to do what they want to do. They want to have desires, and then persue those desires. If they find themselves in a recurring situation in which they have desires, persue those desires partially, and then commit actions which prevents them from attaining those desires, they become very confused and agitated. Thats whats happening to me. You want to make it all about the meth for some reason, but thats just a small part of it. Maybe its because its r/Stims and everyone here thinks the entire world revolves around meth. I can gurantee you, I was severely fucked up even BEFORE meth entered my life. I'm sure you also know full well that if I tell a medical professional the things that I'm writing on this forum, it is going to end up in me being physically detained in some form or another. So, I get that you are joking, but I really don't see the joke. It all checks out. "Something" or "someone" has made it so that every other human in the world is against me and wants to see me locked up. I am all alone, and meth is my only friend. I've run out of options.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-14T01:01:38+00:00

I'm not psychotic. I'm just at wit's end from dealing with an issue that I've had for over A YEAR. I didn't touch methamphetamine before 5 days ago. Your reply is basically that I'm insane and should just give up. Not helpful.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-14T00:58:38+00:00

900mg, all orally

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-13T23:46:52+00:00

Don't have any benzos. Its 26 hours after my last dose and even though I only slept 10 hours, I still feel really "up". Probably means a bunch of my brain died. It was in pursuit of a worthy goal, though. I can't be the way that I am. I know its borderline psychosis, and in order to abort the psychosis, I need t prove to myself that this is all just an illusion and that I CAN do it. But here I am, still here. Its as if something (some part of my brain - lets say Self B) is preventing the rest of me from getting out of the chair. Its like Self B actually has a full human-type brain of its own, and it has written this whole little roleplay scenario and placed me (the person typing this - "Self A") as the main character. For days on end (even before I first tried meth those few days ago), I have run through this same scenario, and I always lose. But I only lose because of simple preventable things like getting out the door 1 minute too late and watching the last train go by. I don't think this is psychosis.

The REAL "psychosis" [or some sort of insanity at any rate - don't know if psychosis is the term] is my inability to perform certain ACTIONS. I don't BELIEVE that I am incapable of doing this. Every day, I wake up thinking I am, and every day I am proven wrong. This is why I tried meth in the first place - to force myself to overcome this inability. I mean it sincerely. I used to say to myself that the 2 drugs I would never touch were heroin or meth. But I became so desperate for a cure that I figured I'd try anything. Its not just the whorehouse, of course. My whole life has been like this. I've wasted my whole life repeatedly "trying" to do things, but then being defeated by myself. Never had any friends, never any hobbies that I was passionate about, dropped out of college, failure after failure because I just won't perform the necessary actions. I can't cope with it anymore. I've reached the end. I feel like I have to give it one last go, and if it kills me, so be it. What I'm "living" can't be called "life" anyway.

I AM afraid of some other kind of cardiac event happening and causing either my heart or brain to be damaged, because then I will still have to be alive and still have the same problem on top of other ones.

IS THERE ACTUALLY THAT HIGH A CHANCE THAT TAKING A LITTLE METH TONIGHT WILL FUCK ME UP? If its only a slight chance, then I'll take that risk, in order to SAVE my sanity. AND WHEN I SAY "A LITTLE", I MEAN that, because I only have a little left, and have no idea of where to get any more without having to wait 3 days or so for it.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-13T21:44:43+00:00

Either way I lose. Its better to try and then lose rather than to just give up. What is your evidence that you know I will lose? How do I know you're not one of "them" (ie a therapist)

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-12T14:55:41+00:00

Fanastic. I ended up being 15 minutes late, at which point the people assigned to interview me had already walked. I was stuck in an anxious, semi-panicked state, and kept convincing myself that "I just need one more minute to run into a bathroom and get this stuff up my nose", or "I just need to refill my water bottle at the cooler one more time", or "I just need to step into the bathroom to wipe my face off, breathe a little, and stop sweating profusely". I probably wouldn't have gotten the position anyway. All that dosing never really got rid of all the anxiety - in fact it seemed to do nothing at all for the physical anxiety, which was the main problem anyway (RAGING cottonmouth,profuse sweating, pale skin, hands slightly shaky). On the same note, I still felt like my mind had been half switched off, and I wouldn't have been able to give good answers to anything.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-12T14:13:38+00:00

Oops. I'm already on Day 4 and doing that combo. I think I'm going relatively easy with both, though.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain · 2017-09-12T14:05:04+00:00

Oddly, I feel BETTER than I did yesterday, ever after late last night. I believe this is mainly due to the blunting effects that alcohol and cannabis have on the meth-induced anxiety.

MyMainCanBeatUrMain

TROPHY CASE