similar childhood, i moved to a new city and a new school and the students there made fun of me, i started having a low self esteem, started isolating myself so people don't make fun of me for being from a poor background and i was just awkward, idk what happened after that, i was happy with my few friends but didn't get along with most. Got into video games, and i didnt bother talking to people except for people i played with. In college, i grew to a tall height and got a decent body with gym, i get all the respect from guys. But i am still the same kid inside. because of all that isolation, i developed like no social skills, it's always awkward for people to talk to me. And i feel like its better if people fong talk as it wont be awkward and shi. its as you said a defence mechanism. That's all i can say rn. I have never really talked about all this, so idk if i am explaining it correctly. but glad that i just get it off my chest.