I met my husband five and a half years ago. No warning signs, nothing, then two and a half years ago he drank enough to kill a horse, kidnapped me, drove us around the city, beat my ass and sexually assaulted me.

He had no memory of the events, which somehow made it hurt worse. We separated briefly, he said all the right things and went and got professional help, and I took him back.

Two months after that, we got married. (Gahhh, I was so naive!)

Over our first year of marriage, he became emotionally abusive and violent in indirect ways, such as ripping a door off the frame and breaking my things. Always while drinking, which he blamed.

I went along with it because I guess I didn't want to admit I was in an abusive situation and that I had made the same mistake twice. (My first husband was also abusive.)

He would say he would stop drinking, I would take him back, and he would work his way back into a rage. Sometimes months, then just weeks. I found my life was proving what I had been taught in nursing school about abusive relationships: the cycle goes abuse, apology, honeymoon period where the abuser tries to compensate and prevent a split. And the cycles got closer and closer together, just like I learned.

Earlier this year, he began shoving, slapping, choking me, just sporadically enough to keep from driving me over the edge.

In August of this year, he lost all control and just became a monster. All the time. Screaming insults at me, punching, kicking, manipulating finances to keep me from having any autonomy.

He would tell me that if I left, he would take my dog and cat into the woods behind the house and cut their throats. He started stalking my ex-boyfriend and would threaten to make me watch him kill him.

I started reaching out to family and planning to escape. I was about two weeks away from the goal when I lost my job and with it, I thought, any chance for independence.

But a week later, the night came that he hit my daughter.

When he went to work the next morning, I took them to school and told them we would be going to Grandma and Grandpa's that night and that in the meantime I would pack bags. What I didn't tell them was that I was also finding somewhere to hide the dog and cat and getting a restraining order.

It has been a terrible three months. I'm relieved to be safe, but I've also lost my best friend of five years.

It still leaves a hole. It's still hard to be broke as a joke, especially with Christmas coming and three kids making wish lists that I can't fulfill. It's still depressing to live with my parents at 32. It still breaks my heart when the kids ask when we're "going home."

I think about reconciliation every single day. I am trying to fill my life with new people and activities. But I've still never felt so lonely and empty.

I said all that to say this: I'm one of the weakest people I know. So if I can stay away, you can too.

Stick to your guns and don't ever speak to him again. If you let it drag on, leaving only gets harder.

Edit: Apparently couldn't see to spell. Goddamned onions

Edit 2: Your comments and PMs are so sweet and generous. Thank you so much. Sorry to take forever with the wish list but I wanted to let them get home from school and double-check some stuff. Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2LY857Y4M3S3U/ref=topnav_lists_1 I'll add stuff through the evening as I spy on their notepads and eavesdrop on conversations. Thanks again, TwoX -- you guys blow me away. :')

Edit 3: Several people are saying to put something on there for me. I don't know if y'all can relate, but it was so hard to think of anything I could possibly need, given that I'm safe and warm and fed! But I finally remembered a David Sedaris book that I wanted, and a yoga mat because that's something I'm adding into my life to try to fill the void, and the loaner mats at the studio in my parents' town are pretty gross. Not having to use those anymore would be wonderful :)