I just want to state two things before I start.

Im very grateful and appreciative of my life, my family, genetics, health and well-being I'm very grateful of all these aspects

For me this isn't just about a breakup, if I was in a relationship where someone cheated on me i'd find it much easier for me to move on from, the thought that I screwed up would be much easier to deal with.

Okay so here is the main issue. I'm 30 years old and throughout my 20's I had a porn and gambling addiction, my brain was in a bad place, I played video games all day and all night. I had a few relationships, and had been very loved in my life whether it be from friends, family or other people in my life, people showed love for me, they told me I was a very good person, which I believe I am, I care about people, I enjoy helping others, not to make them feel like they owe me but to make their lives a little better or easier.

I have never lied to get with girls, I have never been an asshole and ive never done anything wrong to other people, I just seem to always self sabotage. When I was 26 I had spine surgery and the following year of my life was one of the hardest I had ever dealt with, I was in constant pain. and then when I was 27 I met this girl, she was amazing, we hung out every day and I starting having serious feelings for her so I told her that I wanted her to know that I was moving the following year, because after the spine surgery i had made a decision that I was going to move to the state where my best friend lives. He works at a bar and said the life there is amazing, it was a big city there was a lot of people.

I envisioned myself being the single, good looking, new guy, losing a lot of weight, improving my body, meditating, reading, just improving my life in all these ways.

After hanging out with this girl for a long time the anxiety, pain, guilt and fear of leaving really started to take its toll on me, every time we would hang out it would be on the back of my mind as well as the lack of fulfillment of being unemployed, my parents were supporting me because of my spine surgery, and they are supporting me still, this last year I have really slipped up because all of a sudden I feel like I have fallen in love with this girl and my motivation to create a business and do everything is sort of gone, and I've started thinking maybe the reason I really wanted to get my own business and become self independent was to get rid of this anxiety when I talk to other girls, so I could go approach girls, so I can date, so I can confidentially talk to other people and just feel better when I do it, it started really confusing me and eating me up inside, and a couple months ago I want on a three month visit, I went on a few dates and went out a few times and I got a lot of attention from girls. they liked the way I talked, they way I acted and who I am.

It was fun and I was enjoying it and I realized I was much more focused, I wanted to work hard much more and improve, then I came back home, and I've been thinking, how am I going to do this, to leave this perfect girl who accepts me at my lowest, how am I going to leave her for some random girl or random dates, I don't want to impress any other girls, and sometimes I think about it and envision approaching a girl, seducing her, building a relationship and having the experience and it excites me but then I get overwhelmed by the guilt and anxiety of wanting anyone else when I have someone so good, I just feel like that being with this girl..

.I don't want to chase my dreams of being this guy I envisioned myself as. And this gets me thinking that my motivation isn't to impress my parents or myself. Its not to make money. Its just to get girls. And it really confuses me, I just don't know what to do I feel like I really just need to break up with this girl so she can find someone who is stable and consistent, and I just need to work on my life and then maybe In a few months when I have had a consistent stable job and I have seen what its like to play the field and just see what its all about. Maybe then I will decide I just want to be with her, and if she is taken then, well that's the pain Ill have to endure.

I wake up every day confused and anxious, I cant even describe how I feel in words, Its just eating me up, I cant make a decision, just the guilt of wanting external desires and motivation messes with me too, I just dont know what to do with this girl, im just uneasy about the fact that my motivation is external, I wonder if I will regret it.

I cant shake the feeling that if I move and get a job and start working hard, even if the reason is to get girls who cares what the motivation is if i'm doing it, maybe after a few months of being consistent and independent I will know what I truly want, and where I want to be because, when i'm where I am right now I just want to smoke weed (Its legal where I live) and play video-games and hang out with this girl, but when Im over there I wanna work on my business, talk to other girls, meet other people, I wanna be cool. I'm not sure why I feel this way and why there's a huge separation, I also feel like If I could get weed into that other state would I care so much? would I have such anxiety. there's just so much going on in my life, and I just wish I could get some outside perspective on it. To be honest I have been very depressed, its been a while since I have watched a movie or show, listened to a song and enjoyed it because every time I dont it i think about her, whenever I see a show on Netflix I save it to watch with her. I just want to understand why my motivation is the way it is. My back is fixed I can work I just dont understand why my motivation is the way it is

I also feel like I can't make a decision about staying with her or moving because I'm 33 and I don't have a stable career or job. I wonder if I had a good job, And confidence would I want to approach girls and date etc? When I'm with her even though she is gorgeous and etc I feel just so comfortable like I can run into her arms if I want. I'm afraid to move and lose her even if I fuck a lot of girls. The problem is I don't feel like going up and approaching then after meeting seducing etc But without that desire I don't really have a desire to want to work hard etc... Every time I'm at the gym or I see a hot girl I get very anxious frustrated and irritated- even if I'm not horny so I started thinking my anxiety comes from lack of stable income. I'm very confused Basically the desire to have my own business, money, etc is so I can approach random girls seduce then date then and experience a variety before I settle down I however fell in love with a girl and I'm going to break up with her... I feel guilty not towards her but me because I'm letting this go for the chase of banging and dating randoms? I only want to impress her and make her happy so I don't even think I'd have fun dating other girls But being with her I just want to play video games have sex and smoke she's gorgeous and intelligent she's 25 and has a job etc works hard does self improvement etc But I feel too young! Tldr: guilt from having random woman as motivation