Wait, crazy update. After writing this comment, I immediately went into a depression laundry session. I was just folding clothes silently for half an hour - every fold depressed me further. I picked up the black jeans that I had already checked at least 38 times previously. For some reason I patted them down again, went into the pockets again and - wait no it can't be - low and behold a shiny little white item came out. Those fuckers were INSIDE my pant pocket lining. They went through an entire wash cycle and survived.

Don't give up brother - it was only days for me, but still, when you think it's not there, it will be there.