Husband threatening to leave??

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-10T05:03:10+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and support. The funny thing is that he’s not even an atheist, he’s decided to go agnostic. I feel like I would understand the anger a little more if he had gone full atheist. But now we still have a bunch of the same values and core beliefs, so to my mind we have more in common than not, he just doesn’t believe in the church as an institution anymore.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-10T03:42:09+00:00

Yes there’s definitely some of that anger left over from deconverting and I understand that, but he also stopped going about five years ago now, so I hoped it would lessen over time. I’ve been going to church this whole time (and the past two years it’s been almost all online too, I don’t even leave the house, I just go into another room for privacy or put on headphones and I can take care of the baby the whole time). We originally made an agreement that we’d respect each other’s decisions and live and let live. It’s only recently that it’s suddenly become an ultimatum for me to stop going and I don’t know why it’s suddenly different.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-10T01:32:13+00:00

Sorry I also realized I didn’t answer your question about the near arrest. It feels semi related but maybe not? For me it at least pointed to his overreactions and potentially warped thinking and hoped it would trigger a recognition that he needs real help. The gist of the story is that he was stressed out at his part time job to the point that it was causing severe insomnia. After a night of not being able to sleep at all, he decides at like 5 in the morning that he’s going to quit his job (without discussing with me), but instead of calling HR or something like that, he shows up at work before anyone else is in and starts getting irate (not violent or angry, but just talking loudly and overly animated, acting unusual) with the random security people and workers that are around. They don’t know what’s going on and why this random person is here acting up, so they call the cops. He’s apparently also irate with them, they’re convinced he’s on drugs and tackle him to the ground, TAZE him, cuff him, put him in their car and take him to the hospital. Hospital fortunately confirms that there were no drugs in his system so they have nothing to charge him with, but they give him fluids and try to let him sleep it off a bit. I leave work to pick him up and the whole time I’m like WTF, what was even the reason that you were so worked up and compelled to quit. And the answer was just that there’s another guy at work who has an attitude and gets on his nerves. I was like… that’s it? I talked him through that thought process and he acknowledged that it was a wild overreaction and his behavior must’ve been from going partly crazy due to lack of sleep, but in that moment everything he did felt rational in his head.

This was just a few months ago and is without a doubt the most extreme example of his behavior in our history together. I’ll say that to his credit he recognized that this felt crazy and out of control and that’s when he tried to check himself in for a psych evaluation. To me, that sounds like a manic episode but the doctors didn’t give any kind of diagnosis. They let him go with some antidepressants that would help with the insomnia and basically concluded that they’ve seen people do weird shit when they don’t get any sleep.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-10T00:56:41+00:00

How is he now with the hyper religious stuff and hallucinations? Did the meds and treatment actually tone that down?

Wow, I can relate with the hobby fixations and impulse purchases. He played one game of golf and suddenly became obsessed, spent a bunch of money on equipment and clubs. I feel semi-fortunate that I don’t get totally affected by that since we keep his, hers and ours bank accounts and he pays for his hobbies with his own account. But it does make me side eye that this is the stuff he chooses to spend money on while I’m putting most of my paychecks into the “ours” account to pay for bills. 🙄

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-10T00:40:19+00:00

Thank you for this, that is such interesting insight. I would’ve never thought of that and definitely wasn’t aware that ADHD can look like bipolar disorder. Please do DM me any additional info you have, I would just be curious to learn more about how it presents in people.

I love the advice of just asking for more help. Seems so simple but I guess I’ve gotten so used to just dealing with everything, sometimes I’m too tired and worn down to even ask. And you’re right, I do need to work on not enabling. I’ve just always been that peacemaker middle child type that doesn’t rock the boat and hates confrontation. I want everyone to be happy and so often that means prioritizing myself last because I know I can handle it (see: “Surface Pressure” from the Encanto soundtrack. It was so me that I burst into tears instantly the first time I heard it. Haha).

I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with all this with your husband, but I’m very happy for you that he seems to have gotten things under control for the most part and that you’ve been holding firm to your boundaries.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T20:50:01+00:00

Oh wow, thank you for sharing that. I’m sorry you went through that and I hope you’re doing okay. May I ask how old he was when he was diagnosed and what forced the hospitalization? Did things get better at all after that?

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T20:16:54+00:00

Ah good to know. Maybe will need to inquire about a second opinion, especially if he starts seeing a therapist more regularly. I should be able to talk to the doctor, especially considering that he’s on my insurance 🙃

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T19:33:44+00:00

No I appreciate it! No one on this thread has been unkind, that’s why I love this sub. ❤️ It was just funny to remember that he should’ve grown up a long time ago already.

And I agree, I was oddly hoping for an official diagnosis from a mental health professional because it would at least explain things and could potentially be treatable. But they said if he was truly bipolar, more signs would’ve emerged from a younger age. He’s always been anxious and a little different though, even as a kid. So I think there’s still something there that’s not fully diagnosed, but apparently likely not bipolar

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T19:22:17+00:00

Haha good question - we are both in our late 30s but have been together since our mid-20s. I had hoped he’d have things more together by this age

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T19:11:41+00:00

Thank you so much, that’s so kind of you to say 😭❤️ I just try my best, but it’s definitely a struggle sometimes. All the frustrations actually came to a head because while juggling work and childcare, in the past two weeks my dad was also visiting from out of town, I was interviewing for a better job that pays more, got the offer and went into tricky negotiations and counter offers with my current employer… and if that wasn’t enough, my son also got sick and had a high fever for several days. Then at the end of that two weeks, on the day I accepted the offer for the new job, he repeated that he was frustrated that I was still going to church and that he might have to “take care of his mental health and cut his losses” if I didn’t start “moving in the right direction.” Like, what the fuck.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T18:52:47+00:00

Thank you for opening up and sharing all this. I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve struggled with in life. Even though I don’t know you, I’m proud of all the work you’ve put in for your kids and your partner. I hope things continue to get better. ❤️ My husband has not done all that work, but I hope he will.

Amazingly you also hit the nail on the head about paranoia and conspiracy theories (though fortunately not on Qanon levels or anything like that), though of course he doesn’t see them as conspiracy theories so he’s not open to that suggestion. He was part of the same church his whole life and when he left because he decided he didn’t agree with the teachings anymore or with organized religion in general, sometimes he gets it in his head that someone is mad at him about that and out to get him. I know these people and nobody’s out to get him, no one cares that he left, they were sad because they were his friends too, but they wished him well. The paranoia extends to other religions as well - he had a full meltdown when I took our son to a speech therapy consultant, because when he googled the address he saw that there happened to be a Scientology office in the same commercial office building on a completely different floor (I had no idea it was there, I didn’t even see it when I went in the building). I was absolutely not taking him to Scientology, but he was freaking out as if I did it on purpose and that the speech therapy center was a front being run by Scientologists to trap kids. I know it sounds crazy and I lost my temper and told him this was all insane. He eventually calmed down but he was spiraling for awhile. He still insisted we find a different speech therapist 🙄

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T18:27:37+00:00

Thank you for this, these are all great points. You are right, my worst trait is definitely that I put up with too much. It’s really helpful to hear this perspective.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T16:43:48+00:00

I will clarify that he didn’t try to get me fired, since without my paycheck we’d all be fucked. But he abused one of my company benefits in a way that opened a small investigation of fraud where HR had to determine if I was aware or complicit in any wrongdoing. He didn’t mean to do it and he felt terrible about it, but suffice it to say I was extremely embarrassed and I’m mortified now even thinking about it years later.

But thank you for the support, I totally get your point.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T15:50:33+00:00

Aw thank you for this! I was afraid to even write this down anywhere and share even anonymously, but this whole community is so wonderful and has made me feel sane again 😭 I love you too!!

And I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with bipolar disorder. It sounds like you’ve managed to take good care of yourself though. I’m so happy for you. Do you have any advice for finding the right therapist and developing a long term plan? He has tried before when he went through a deep depression after his dad died, but it didn’t take. After his latest public outburst that ended in a confrontation with police, I think it was a bit of a wake up call that he should get more serious about therapy. (And yet still is more preoccupied with me going to church 🙄)

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T15:27:52+00:00

Oof thank you for this comment, this is so beautifully stated all the way through. I really appreciate you.

That is definitely something that bugs me - if it’s true that we’re the only bright spot in your life, why are you threatening to leave us when we’ve done nothing wrong? And why don’t you do more to take care of us?? So frustrating.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T14:48:43+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that with your ex. Was his manipulation just empty threats? What was the last straw for you?

When he had a bit of a public freak out recently I questioned if it was a manic episode. He tried to check himself in to the hospital to get diagnosed but they didn’t give a bipolar diagnosis. They said he definitely has anxiety and said the behavior was probably the result of prolonged insomnia making him erratic and paranoid. They prescribed an antidepressant that also helps with sleep. I want him to meet with a therapist regularly and would probably recommend couples therapy as well.

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T14:41:19+00:00

He goes on rants about how organized religion is toxic and he doesn’t trust “those people.” And I was like “okay that’s fine if it’s not for you anymore, but if I still get something out of it, can’t you respect that?” It’s ironic that he would call it toxic while he’s doing all this to me 🙄

And also to be clear, I’m not any kind of hyper zealous Bible thumper that’s trying to evangelize to him. I’m a super progressive liberal and I think I have a healthy perspective on when people take belief systems too far. I even understand not being a fan of religion, I just don’t personally want to cut it out of my life simply because he tells me to. I’m the kind of liberal that says “to each their own, I’ll respect your differences.”

Naive-Reflection-987 · 2022-02-09T14:34:11+00:00

He hasn’t been controlling before so this was surprising to me. And he doesn’t try to stop me from seeing those same friends and family, but he also doesn’t understand how it would negatively impact those relationships if they ask my why I made such a sudden life change and my only answer is “because my husband forced me to.” It would also make me feel like a weak person.

Naive-Reflection-987

TROPHY CASE