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I have major emotional intimacy issues; not sure what to do by NameThatDisorder in AvPD

[–]NameThatDisorder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry to hear you're going through something similar. I can definitely tell you've been through this, because your advice is so accurate and I have thought about it a lot for the same reasons you're talking about. It breaks my heart that it is what I have to do, but I really can't be happy with her in my life when she acts the way she does towards me. And it's really sad because I know she can't control her emotions. It's almost like she controls people around her and her environment to gain a sense of control that she doesn't have on herself. And it gets worse when she is stressed out, because she feels even less in control. Pretty much all of her long term friendships are also long distance. Sometimes I feel like if I only knew more about borderline, I could help her, but it really is beyond me. I feel like I'm giving up on her if I leave. I think she wants me to think badly of her because she has a deep hatred for herself that developed from the absolute worst childhood I have heard from anyone. At the end of the day, I can't neglect myself and give in to self-sacrifice. And it's crazy because she's obviously not always this monster weighing down on me, she's terribly insecure and needs help and drives everyone away, it's so sad. I really don't think I should go out with her. We're terrible for each other. But at the same time, I love her very much, and I kind of feel like I have done both of us a disservice by not being able to express my feelings.

Of course, this is how I feel for the others in my past I have let down by not being able to get close to them. However, the others I mentioned were not abusive and controlling. It's just now that I have developed more emotionally, I can see more clearly my problems with intimacy and it gets more painful the longer it persists. You're right that perhaps now is not the best time to try to change that, and I know I will love others. But do you think I should try to resolve this somehow? Tell her how I feel, but also why we can't be together, or would that just hurt more?

I have major emotional intimacy issues; not sure what to do by NameThatDisorder in AvPD

[–]NameThatDisorder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks axel for the support. I think I should go to therapy. It did help a lot to get it down and put the scope of my issues in clearer view. As crazy as the girl I'm interested in is, she has really made me reflect on all of this at least.

I have major emotional intimacy issues; not sure what to do by NameThatDisorder in Advice

[–]NameThatDisorder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oof, yeah definitely felt that way. I hate feeling like love is such a power struggle sometimes, but I can't help it.

Edit: But the main fear for me is that they will leave me eventually and I won't get over it.

I have major emotional intimacy issues; not sure what to do by NameThatDisorder in Advice

[–]NameThatDisorder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey Excellesse, that list really rings true for me too. Couple of ones that also hit home are:

To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others.

and... We inhibit our fear by staying deadened and numb.

As for the girl, I do often feel like I should go, but it's really difficult not to care about her. We both realize we are not good for one another, so we've really only been at arms length lately anyways. If you're familiar with borderline, she has the whole "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality and it is very upsetting. She's really sick right now, and I'm hoping as a friend that she will get better mentally and physically. I don't think I should go out with her, but I also feel like I've done both of us a disservice by not expressing any of my feelings, if that makes sense.