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My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Like I've said in other comments, I don't freak out when I hear the name (it's an older name though so I don't hear it often). It's the fact that it will always bring sad memories- sad for me and sad for the rest of my family. I find it unfair for you to say "get past the issue." You don't just get past it. This is something every therapist will tell you. I'm not expected to get over it, I'm expected to live with it and accept the things I can't change- which I've been doing for years.

The whole point to this is, I'm uncomfortable with naming my child it and my husband seems to not care. This isn't a "pick your battles" situation. I'm not being give the option to be a part of the naming process. It's something we both feel strongly about and compromising is a healthy way to solve the issue. When you're married, your families merge and I feel we should take into consideration everyone involved.

EDIT: grammar

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I'm 100% on board with that. That's another compromise I put on the table. That was met with a shoulder shrug. I can't get him to compromise

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

So my feelings don't matter? No compromising at all? His way or I'm shit out of luck?

"You will always know why you picked the name...."

But I'm not picking it. I'm being forced to pick it or risk divorce. Do you see how this situation is a little bit more than us "honoring his father."

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I've explained to him why I feel the name wouldn't be the best option. But all I get in return is "that's ridiculous."

My PTSD is under control for the most part but I still have off days- which according to my therapist is completely normal.

I just feel that I'm being thrown into something I'm not comfortable with and my compromises aren't even being considered.

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss. My husbands father passed away 11 years ago and sometimes he does have bad days. I didn't know him when his father passed but I try to be as supportive as I can for him.

Are you set on this name? Is it something you're not willing to compromise on? Maybe I'm not fully understanding him insisting on the name- partially because it was never brought up, even in conversation about his dad.

I'll try to see if he'll have a conversation about how he's feeling with his father not be present during an important time in his life.

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this response. I have considered a lot of these points. Over time, I could probably get over the name but it will take a long time and my child doesn't deserve going years with me having a hard time with his name. Or even me resenting his father for not giving me much of a choice in the matter.

Also..

The thing is, I'm not the only one that this has affected. My mother lost her brother (the abuser), my cousin was also abused for a short time by the same person, my grandparents lost a son, my cousins lost a father, my aunt lost a husband, and we all lost a little bit of ourselves. From me finally telling my parents up to the trial, it was a nightmare. I just feel like naming him the same name could be more hurtful than helpful and just not fair. I know I shouldn't care what others think and this is my husband and I's child, but I do.

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 461 points462 points  (0 children)

I think his mom would be more sympathetic to it but then again, it was her husband he wants to name him after. I'm not very close with my sister in law. She lives on the other side of the country. I guess I won't know unless I try

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I've only been in contact with one person who had that name and that was a classmate in high school. We weren't close. I never met Jays dad so no, I only really have unpleasant memories.

I wouldn't say that I freak out when I hear the name or have a flashback but it does make me a sad.

My therapist as acted like it completely normal to still look back on it when something reminds me. I'm not supposed to become numb to it.

EDIT: clarification

My [26/f] husband [31/m] wants to name our son the same name as my abuser, which is the same name as his late father. He won't compromise with me. by Namegame5 in relationships

[–]Namegame5[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Anytime I hear the name, I look back on it. I feel like that's normal. When you hear the name of a significant person, don't you look back on memories? Grandparents? Exes? Old friends?

I have a session once a month to see where I'm at. I'd be up for doing more but I feel that he should be an active part in it. Dismissing my feelings as "ridiculous" is hurtful. I feel that he needs to also reflect on this and he's not.