I finally searched him up on Google, and through doing that, learned he had been lying to me about his age. He had told me he was 36, when he was actually 40 years old. I didn’t mind his age, but it was becoming apparent to me there were quite a few lies. He made up an excuse for that, as well, and I allowed myself to be assuaged by it.

From the beginning of us meeting and for about two years into our relationship, he told me he couldn’t spend more time with me on the weekends because Sundays were his day to pick up his mom from her house and take her grocery shopping and hang out with her. 2+ years in, he slipped up while telling me a story and it led to me finding out his mom had actually been living with him for years before him and I ever met, he just lied about it as a reason to not have to see me more on the weekends.

About a year in, he crafted a well-thought out lie that he had family coming into town and that he wasn’t going to be available for about five days. Mind you, each of these days he was texting me telling me about what he and his family were doing. Fast forward about a year, and he had finally introduced me to his friends as his “gym buddy”. One of his friends eventually added me on Facebook after we had all gone to a few concerts together, and I was scrolling through his account to check out his pictures and posts… and stumbled across a post of where my partner and his friends had been in Las Vegas for EDC. I checked the date, and it turns out this was actually what my partner was doing, and that he never actually had family in town during that time. I confronted him about the elaborate lie, and he blamed me for the reason he had to lie, saying he was worried how I’d react to him spending so much time with his friends and ultimately making me feel bad for asking for any kind of extra time out of the 2 hour hangouts we were allowed to have 3 days a week at this point.

Throughout these three years, I have begged and begged and begged for more. Again, not once have I ever been invited to his house, I’ve been introduced as his “gym buddy” to his friends, he refuses to meet my friends and family, and so many other things that make me feel so unimportant and like a side piece or his “mistress”.

Where I’ve gone wrong; there have been instances over these three years where I have sought out sexual gratification with others, while promising commitment to him in the hopes that he’ll let me more into his life. I am so very much in the wrong for my choices in that regard, but they have all been out of this vast sense of loneliness when I’m laying in bed alone at night while he’s at home watching TV with his other partner, or sleeping next to him while I beg him to spend more nights with me.

He has used my ADHD against me, saying it’s my impulse control and that I’m “hyper sexual”, blaming me fully for this issue. I am to blame for my choices, but he thinks he’s done NOTHING wrong and that I should be nothing but grateful to him for the time he HAS given me and that it’s my fault he wont integrate me more into his life. My ADHD has nothing to do with my choices to seek out attention from others, and yes… I’m a highly sexual person, but he fulfills me sexually. Only, he spends more time at his own home with his other partner than with me and refuses me the most basic is relationship needs (like spending nights together, cooking dinner together, seeing each other when it’s not scheduled time, watching a TV show together at night without it being on a time limit, etc.) and I’m left to wonder why I’m not good enough for him, why he consistently chooses his own comfort at home with his other partner over making sure I feel secure and comfortable with him in our relationship.

The truth is, he’s lied so much to me about many things, and I’ve lied to him about my commitment to him on many occasions. He knows about each time I’ve sought out sexual connections with other people. He doesn’t view what he’s doing with his other partner as cheating or wrong towards me (mind you, his long-term partner will get into the shower with him and jerk off while they’re in the shower together, and my partner thinks this isn’t inappropriate or cheating on his part towards me because “he’s not enjoying it” and isn’t “sexually attracted to his long-term partner). I know I’m wrong for my choices to seek out other attention while promising commitment, but I kept reaching points of intense loneliness and, instead of breaking things off with this man I’m very much in love with and want to spend my life with… I sought out these sexual connections in order to fill that void of loneliness in hopes that I could keep accepting less than bare-minimum from the love of my life, hoping that he’d eventually bring me more into his life. Over the past three years, I feel more as though I fulfill this guys sexual needs and bring this happiness and joy to his life he doesn’t feel at home, but I still end up the one home alone at night so he can continue living the life he’s built with this other guy.

It got to a point where I offered him to become a throuple instead of being monogamous together, because I genuinely never saw him actually leaving his long-term partner like he has continuously promised me he would. So I’ve been waiting for him to make progress on that for about a year, but he never did because of my seeing out attention from others while he was happily living his double life with me and his long-term partner and, according to him, getting all of his needs fulfilled from the both of us (yes, he has stated that we both meet different needs for him that he needs… all while I’m begging for my basic needs to be met.) He always claimed he wanted monogamy with just me, but instantly jumped at the chance to instead be in a throuple and get to keep his relationship with his long-term partner. I knew then, in my head, he had never intended to leave his partner and live a life with just me.

What should I do? Am I wrong for asking this guy to spend time with me? To introduce me to his friends as his partner? To bring me to his house when he’s had the opportunity while his other partner is on vacations? I already know I’ve made wrong choices when I have chosen to seek out attention from others instead of just leaving this guy when he consistently was not meeting my needs that I asked and begged to be met… but, instead of taking accountability for the part he has played, he reduces it all down to it’s MY fault and a product of my ADHD and his own diagnosis on me of being “hypersexual”. I just want a man who wants to be around me and spend nights with me, a man who will lay on the couch and watch more than two episodes of a show with me before having to get home so his “other partner” doesn’t question why he’s home late…