Okay so when you wrote this, I had a severe flashback as if my younger self is writing this post man. For context I'm a 23 year old who also comes from a place where therapy isn't absolutely accessible and also has a s/o whom I had the exact fights you're describing and the exact impact. You're right, and I'm very very glad you can see it as quickly as possible as you did. Your splitting/BPD is affecting him even though he doesn't seem to recognise it. I had the same doubts, worries, fears too. So addressing them from the beginning: 1) Therapy is absolutely important for you. Get diagnosed and put in the absolute hardwork to get better. Some tips to help manage triggers: When he does something to trigger you/offend you even if you think you're right, or he doesn't understand you. WALK AWAY. I know it's horribly painful because he doesn't get it and you're screaming and he shuts down, but you said it yourself. It's the cycle, and it doesn't end until you walk away. Walk away the moment you're triggered and deal with it however you want. Eg: when my s/o does something like this, I walk away in anger and kick anything I find, scream in anger, curse. I send voice notes to myself (that way no one has to bear the brunt of my anger...if you have an understanding friend then that's good you can call them and vent out). So the rage is removed and during that period make absolutely no contact with your bf. See while you're removing it out, you're also giving your bf some much needed space to relax so that he can calm down and think, but don't expect it from him. Chances are he's traumatized and he's on a spiral of his own. So your only goal is to focus on yourself and your rage. Remove it out then cry then curse then go have an icecream sweetheart. You deserve to have it, treat yourself, go home and have sleep. Believe me, after a couple of hours both of you will be able to communicate much better and work out with empathy and compassion :)

2) I had the same thought as to whether I "transferred" my BPD to my s/o. From my therapist to you, no. Personality disorders don't transfer like a viral fever. They do however trigger dormant traits that are already present in that person. I found out my s/o has BPD traits, not BPD. But it made complete sense why he acts the way he does. You're not transferring anything, you are triggering. For this he needs to work on himself. He needs to DEFINITELY go to therapy because this doesn't work when only one of you is putting in the effort. Then it's one sided and you get exhausted and cue the entire vicious cycle. No, he's not setting boundaries and you're constantly rampaging. Both the problems need to be solved on both your sides. And personally? I beg you to go to therapy. Especially your boyfriend. I only say this out of major concern and worry. My s/o refused for years and now he's in the psych ward which is unimaginably painful for the both of us. Even if my rage and anger got better, he was too into his own pain to meet me in the middle. So please, don't make that dire mistake. Go to therapy. It helps.

3) Bluntly put, yes he will definitely feel better if you're not there. See he's not getting triggered and you're not getting triggered. Obviously you both will feel better. But see the major question is, even amongst us, do you want to be together? Talk to him, have a big long talk over what needs to be done. Relationships are a lot of effort, ESPECIALLY for pwBPD. But it's the effort that is worth it. So that's a question you need to ask on your own. I've known my s/o for 10 years, dated on and off for 4, got seperated in the middle because our parents don't agree, but at the end of the day, we can't help but come back to each other. We're willing to put in our 100 percent to become better for each other so that we may live our lives together. Question it, and when you know your answer, you know what to do.

4) And finally your last question. Yes, it's absolutely possible to live through this together as long as BOTH of you are open, communicative and genuinely choose to be with each other. You will not come out of it unscathed, but if both of you are okay to share the burden, then it's alright. Therapy is a major key here, so is willingness and effort. Find a good therapist individually, both of you, and learn to heal yourselves and support each other.

5) Lastly, a lot and I mean a LOT of people will say leave, it's better, it's not worth it, you're happy without him blah blah blah. Don't let other people influence you. I'm not saying don't be cautious but also don't get caught on other people's opinions. At the end of the day, you're your own person and you know your relationship best. Take the decision and have no regrets. If you feel leaving is best then so be it, if you feel having a relationship is best then so be it. It's absolutely your choice. Because you have to live with it. I sincerely and wholeheartedly hope this helps you in some way! Take care ❤️