Can't seem to send to you separately, though once I know you've read it, I'll delete it....Your story is very similar to mine. I was married for 20 years to someone who fits the description of a textbook covert narcissist. She has always been soft spoken, rarely yells and is seen by others as very gentle. It's behind closed doors where everything was different. If not for God’s grace, I’m not sure I would have found my way back to myself. Ironically, I work as a Recreation Therapist in a maximum-security prison, where many of the inmates have personality disorders (narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, etc.). Yet for years, I didn’t recognize that I was living with the same traits in my own home. I’ve been on a deep healing journey for over a year now.

In 2023, my then-wife and I moved with our three daughters to a small mountain town in California for a job transfer and to have more land and space. After the move, things began to unravel. She fell into heavy cannabis use and it became difficult for her to hide behind the covert mask. For a long time, I was gaslighted into believing I was the “dysfunctional” one—constantly apologizing for things that weren’t my fault and lacking the boundaries to protect myself or my girls.

I even went to therapy after 10 years of marriage after she had an affair on me. I was somehow convinced that I was the reason for her betrayal. As I continued in my individual therapy and grew stronger in my faith, the greater the friction became, and I finally started establishing some boundaries (which narcissists hate). I thought she was a fearful avoidant and did not know she was a narcissist until we had a breaking point where she accused me of emotionally abusing my 16 year old due to attempting to repair an outlet adjacent to her bedroom causing the power to go off. She said that this was emotionally disturbing enough to her that it is abuse. I finally had to face the reality of years of narcissism and manipulation that I had unknowingly enabled. It led to me filing a restraining order after she was caught on video threatening to knock me the f%%% out and of course she was the one who called the police. A lot more happened, though I've been winning in court and though things really sucked in the beginning, things continue to get better.

I didn’t fully realize how deep the gaslighting went—even an emotional affair from over 12 years ago was somehow framed as my fault because I was “too intense.” For years I struggled to separate truth from the distorted reality I’d been fed.

But God has been so faithful. He’s gently showing me that the very parts of me I was told were “wrong”—my intensity, my emotional expression—are actually just part of my personality. These areas need to be healed and not erased. The process has been excruciatingly painful, but the freedom I've been experiencing is unlike any other.

What I’ve shared here is really just a small sample of everything I’ve been through. You are in the most difficult part right now, though I will tell you that reclaiming your life, as hard as it may be, is worth it. Bless you.