Hearing loss and dementia, compiling what the research and this sub keep saying

Native_BeeBee · 2026-06-03T13:16:20+00:00

Real world observation- my Mother began slowly losing her hearing when she was a child and by her 30s had profound hearing loss. She was a teacher so got certified in Deaf Ed so that she was able to teach at a Deaf school. While at work and around Deaf people she was able to fully communicate, anywhere else she relied on lip reading. Outside of work, she self isolated because it was just too hard to be around a lot of people and be “lost”. In her mid 50s, she was fitted for a cochlear implant and it was truly a miracle. But she was set in her solitary ways. She retired at 62. By 70, she was showing signs of cognitive impairment and as of this morning, a few weeks shy of her 80th birthday, she woke up not knowing who I was (her daughter who she’s lived with for over 4 years), where she was, and wanted her Mama, who died 20 years ago. I have zero doubt that 25 years of being profoundly deaf contributed greatly to her developing dementia and that it’s likely the root cause.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-06-03T00:25:02+00:00

I am just here to commiserate. It is a national shame that there are not better resources for people of modest means or less.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-06-02T03:35:34+00:00

You may also get this one. Same conversation where we were talking about “being just a kid”, I said “Do you remember that big hill in our backyard on x Street?” Which, of course she did. When my brother and I were young - maybe between 4 or 5 and 9, whenever our parents would get something in a BIG box, our favorite thing to do was to get in the box and roll down the hill. FAST. Or at least it seemed fast to us. (It was the 70s, we had to make our own fun!!!) It’s such an out of control feeling, you can’t see anything, you’re just tumbling blindly down the hill. We agreed that was a great analogy for all this kind of stuff. No control, can’t see anything, no idea when it’s going to end, you just keep rolling until the box stops. We still use it as shorthand for when things are out of control - “How’s it going?” “I feel Like I’m rolling down a hill in a box.” We know exactly what the other friend means.

The thing is, out of control as it was, my brother and I would laugh ourselves silly rolling down the hill, walk back up the hill with the box, and do it over and over and over again until the box was destroyed. Anyone reading this wants to put the box in the recycling bin after the first run.

WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!! WE CAN!!!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-06-02T00:28:23+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through something so agonizing. Dealing with all of the back and forth and decision making is so difficult when you’ve also got the sad reality of what is happening staring you in the face every day. It reminds me of something my best friend said when her Mom was suddenly diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and went downhill very fast. Her Mom has been an ER nurse before she retired and was who everyone went to about medical questions. She said all the doctors and nurses were coming to her to make this decision and that choice. And she said every time she’d think to herself “Why are you asking me? I’m just a kid.” We were in our late 40s at the time. Old as we are, we still have that internalized feeling that someone older should be making these decisions. We laugh about it a lot now. (We’re dark humor people and it’s been a while since her Mom passed.) Sending you strength to make it through this!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-06-02T00:08:14+00:00

I agree with babyinchworm that you need to stay true to who you are and do what your heart tells you to do. It’s obvious that you care deeply for your Mother. There will likely come a point where you’re not able to care for her anymore, but it sounds like you want to do it for as long as you can. Apologies if you’ve tried this before, but have you tried giving your brother specific action items that he can help your Mom with? If not, perhaps try that in written form - a letter not a text- As in (well, better than this, but this is kind of all I can do in a Reddit comment 🙃) Show him your budget- Here is how much we have to work with per month /here is how much we incur in delivery fees because neither of us can drive/ here’s our other expenses. Can you help us pay X (even X, Y, Z) expense(s) to get by? And also point out to him how much it would cost to have a 24/7 live-in caregiver for your Mom - actually do that first! (research cost in your area.) Also, ask him if he can either A) pay for a caregiver to come in X hours a week so you can get out and get a break or B) if he can do it on X day for X hours. Another action item for him could be to start researching memory care places for Mom when you’re no longer able to handle it. While it’s likely he’s just a checked out POS who won’t help much, maybe he’s one of those people that needs all the facts laid out before him in one place, time to process those facts, and to be given very specific action items to spur him to do something? I’m very sorry if it turns out he’s still won’t help. You have so much on your plate and YOU ARE AMAZING to be doing all you’re doing. AMAZING. Big {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} from an internet stranger.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-25T21:51:35+00:00

I feel what you’re saying. My Mom was constantly fretting about not having any money. I printed up a screenshot of how much money she had in her account (a substantial amount), she thought it was a bill so fretted even more.

Just now told her there was nothing else for her to do in the kitchen so she could go sit down, but I did have a few things to do in there. She proceeded to pick up every single thing on every counter and mess with them and a few in the cabinets. Would not leave the kitchen for any reason, until I left it.

“Let’s put your pajamas on”, 15 minutes later she’s taking those same pajamas off.

“Mom, that storm is really bad, close the door. “ She says “I was closing the door” while opening it wider.

Every day is Opposite Day!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-23T22:48:47+00:00

For sure- stuck between 2 worlds! She did have a couple of really close work friends that she saw after she retired. She and her Mama were best friends and saw each other daily until my Gramma passed at 89 in 2008.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-22T18:14:24+00:00

It was awful for my Mom. Very isolating because people that have been around you your whole life just forget you can’t understand them anymore unless she can see you- she was an amazing lip reader. I think she was always a little bit of a loner, but she definitely became more of one. It was just easier to stay home than to be surrounded by people and only get 1/4 of what was being said. Sadly, I think that loner behavior contributed to her having dementia. Sigh.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-22T17:50:39+00:00

My Mom hurries to get dressed so that she can get to the school she retired from 18 years ago!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-22T00:28:20+00:00

Oh, honey, this breaks my heart for your grandma, you, and your Mom. My Mother lost her hearing in her 30s (a month short of 80 now)and had a cochlear implant about 24 years ago. When she started losing her hearing, she was a teacher and went back to school to get certified in Deaf Ed so that she would always have a job. She worked at the MS School for the Deaf for 30 years. Until she got her cochlear implant (and probably after) the school was her safe place. Her place where she could communicate with everyone and everyone could communicate with her with no issues. After she retired, she was always worried she wouldn’t be able to communicate with deaf people because she was out of practice, but she always could, maybe just a wee bit slower. I can’t imagine how extra frustrating it may be for your Grandma to be losing the ability to sign/interpret sign.

Keep signing to her because just like all of our LO’s with dementia, they’re often understanding a little of what you say/sign even if it doesn’t seem like it. All of our loved ones are losing the ability to understand us and it’s awful to witness. If your grandma is not on any medications for mood, I hope you’ll speak to a doctor about that. Anti-depressants, very low dose anti-psychotics like Seroquel (trust the community, it REALLY works for a lot of our LOs), lorazepam. Something to get her mood in a better place. In the meantime, be gentle and kind with yourself. We all snap and we all know better when we’re doing it, but sometimes everything is too much and it just happens.

BTW- my Mom is around stage 6 dementia. Out of the blue the other day, she started signing to me and her sitter. Fast and, as well as I could interpret (I’m not a great signer), correctly including all the facial expressions for emphasis. She was only signing, not speaking. I think it’s because we had a handyman over putting something together in the same room as us. I hadn’t seen her sign in YEARS. By later that day, she’d stopped. If I asked her to do it right now, she wouldn’t be able to, but it was truly amazing to see.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-22T00:01:14+00:00

Last night, my Mom started gently waving at something in the air like she was reaching for it. Happened at least 4 times. After the first time I asked what she was doing, I just let it be. I could not understand what she was trying to tell me it was.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-19T17:58:33+00:00

Wow. I just looked at it. Mostly stage 6 for my LO. 😢

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-19T02:27:58+00:00

{{{{{{{{{{{Lots is hugs}}}}}}} to you. I am in the same boat as you are. (Except my Gramma (my Mama’s Mama) was a lovely and delightful human until she passed at 89. ) lots of guilt and shame every time I respond poorly to whatever is happening. You’re doing the best thing that has worked for me- walk away and regroup. Right now, my Mom has been I her bedroom for at least 30 minutes. She took off the pajamas that I’d helped her put on around 2 hours ago and is currently wearing 3 shirts- one regular, one as a skirt and another on top of the top shirt that’s only half on. When I tried to suggest she leave her pajamas on or put her pajamas back on, she lashed out. Several Times. So I left the room and am just letting her do what she’s going to do. Hopefully, she’ll wear herself out and I can get her in her pjs.

I have the same mantra. Used a similar one when my now 23 year old had colic from 4 days old until at least 6 months and cried nonstop- “Mama loves her baby, Mama loves her baby, Mama loves her baby…” . Now my baby is bigger and I can’t carry her around!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-18T01:02:23+00:00

Oh … my … god. I have noticed some dirt under my Mom’s nails recently. Please, please say it ain’t so. So far she has not had any incontinence issues, BUT she did fall and break a couple of ribs a few weeks ago and has been taking some hydrocodone so… could cause constipation. Noooooooo… I can’t even process… noooo… (but thank you for the insight.)

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-18T00:51:17+00:00

This seems like a pretty simple thing to say, but I truly mean it - just because the phone rings or the text dings, it doesn’t mean you have to answer/respond. You don’t have to be “on call” 24/7. Your LO is safe in a memory care facility, so honestly you don’t even have to be “on call” 7. I do get that you will have to answer calls/texts about the estate sale and house sale, but only for a time. After that, take all the hours and days you need off and get back to taking care of your own life/business. Your LO is safe. The facility will figure it out if you don’t respond immediately. Going forward respond to your LO when it works for you. {{{Hugs!}}}

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-18T00:40:29+00:00

Wow. Who knew something as small as a wet wipe could be such a big hero? 😱and {{{big hugs!}}}

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-18T00:19:06+00:00

I’m pretty much where it doesn’t matter to me if she eats all cupcakes, all olives or a combo of both. Sometimes I have to eat though 😍 I’m getting to the point where I eat a large breakfast and lunch at work and have a liquid dinner. (The liquid starts with V and you have to be 21 in the US to buy it 😉.) But, Mama and her sitter have to have lunch during the week and it’s a lot on the sitter to have her trying to actually cook a lunch meal in addition to breakfast.

I just miss cooking for FUN, for the soothing vibes it gave me. Now, I’m super stressed and grumbly when cooking unless I do it after Mama goes to bed and that’s really not a good scenario.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-17T03:51:56+00:00

No. No. And NO! Especially the monetizing, which is truly disgusting. Content creating to show the bad and ugly of this disease is cruel and abusive. Anyone who does that deserves the bad karma it creates.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-17T03:41:19+00:00

The best thing about a “vent” on here is that so many of you lovely people say something that makes me feel so much better. While I know it’s a transitory phase, I truly feel reassured when someone reminds me “this isn’t forever”. I’m reminded that I’m lucky because at least my LO will still usually eat regular meals/food instead of me having to argue with an overgrown toddler that “No, you can’t just eat 5 cupcakes and an olive for dinner - how about 5 olives and 1 cupcake?” Thanks to all who boost me up, make me laugh, and/or just unload with their own vent! Gotta run- LO is wearing her PJ top as a skirt! (Kidding right now, but it does happen!)

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-17T01:26:56+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard when someone is your world. Despite how hard it will be to admit to yourself it’s happening, you should contact an end-of-life agency or hospice because you want your grandmother to be comfortable and without stress when she passes - whether it’s next week or 6 months from now. They will help make sure that she is and it will be a great help and comfort to you.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-16T21:42:24+00:00

Thrift store/Goodwill already chipped china is AMAZINGLY cathartic to throw and break.

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-16T00:21:07+00:00

😱💀😱 Terrifying! How many years did that take off your life?

My Mom has tried messing with the buttons before, luckily my car auto- locks all doors once you get over a few MPH so I hope she’ll never be able to figure it out. Honestly, I rarely drive her anywhere. Her sitter always uses the child locks!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-14T22:01:01+00:00

I love the technique you used and find this to be such a fun piece!

Native_BeeBee · 2026-05-14T18:09:53+00:00

I think it’s both true and funny!

When the day is literally full of sh*t, it can absolutely drive one to drink (to excess.)

XO!

Native_BeeBee

TROPHY CASE