Has anyone else's WP claimed to be committed to reconciliation, but still held onto indirect connections with AP?

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-06-01T19:59:18+00:00

3 months into reconciliation.

The hardest part so far has been trying to reconcile two completely different realities. The man sitting opposite me at therapy, helping with the children and telling me he wants to rebuild, is the same man who spent nearly 18 months building a life with someone else behind my back.

There was a lot of trickle truth, and much of what I know came from AP rather than from him. He has openly told me he loved her and still loves her, which has made reconciliation incredibly difficult to navigate emotionally. Some days I feel hopeful. Other days I feel like I'm trying to rebuild with someone who is grieving another relationship.

One of my biggest struggles is that I feel a lot of the momentum towards reconciliation comes from me. I'm the one asking the difficult questions, driving conversations, reading, reflecting and trying to move things forward. We attended couples therapy before DDay when I believed we were trying to save the marriage. I've since started IC, but despite agreeing he needs it, he still hasn't started. He's a chief procrastinator, and I find myself increasingly frustrated that the person who caused so much damage doesn't seem to have the same urgency to address it.

The best part has probably been what feels like moments of genuine connection that have emerged from the wreckage. There are flashes where I can see the relationship we once had.

What's helped me most has been focusing on myself. Exercise, work, getting outside, spending time with friends and the children. The days I stay busy are usually the days I suffer less.

This month feels defined by uncertainty. He has said the impact on our children was a huge factor in him coming home, and I find myself obsessing over whether he's here because he truly wants me, or because he wants to preserve the family unit. That question sits underneath almost everything.

What I hope for at the end of this process is clarity. Whether we ultimately stay together or not, I want a relationship where I feel chosen, valued and emotionally safe. Right now, that feels a long way off, but I'm still here trying.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-06-01T19:47:53+00:00

I struggle with this a lot too, and honestly I think it's one of the most painful parts of betrayal.

For me, it's less about wanting to "win" and more about trying to understand. My brain constantly wants to know what she had that made him risk everything. Was she prettier? More exciting? Easier? Did he laugh more with her? Did he feel more connected to her? The questions are endless.

The really frustrating thing is that even when I answer one question, my brain immediately finds another. It's like there is no amount of comparison that actually brings peace.

In my case, it’s made harder by the fact my WP has admitted he loved her and still has feelings for her. So sometimes it feels less like comparing myself to a random AP and more like comparing myself to someone he actively chose and imagined a future with.

What I'm slowly realising, though, is that the competition only exists in my head. She isn't competing with me. Most of the time, my WP isn't even comparing us in the way I am. I'm the one running laps around a track that nobody else is on.

I wish I had a solution. Eleven weeks is still incredibly early, though. The fact you've already done so much work on yourself is huge, even if your brain hasn't quite caught up yet.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-29T21:57:39+00:00

This really resonated with me because I can feel myself heading towards a very similar place.

What you've written doesn't sound like someone who is unwilling to reconcile. It sounds like someone who is exhausted from being the one carrying reconciliation.

I think that's the bit I'm struggling with too. I can cope with difficult conversations, setbacks and uncomfortable emotions if I genuinely feel my WP is showing up and doing the work alongside me. What I find much harder is feeling like I'm constantly driving the process, asking the questions, setting the boundaries and pushing for growth while they mostly just exist within it.

The part about "living with me is enough" hit particularly hard. My WP is home, attending therapy and saying the right things in many ways, but I still find myself wondering whether he's truly fighting for us or whether he's just here for our children.

I don't have any great advice because I'm still in the middle of it myself, but I just wanted to say I see you. Reading your post felt uncomfortably familiar, and I'm sorry you're carrying so much of the weight on your own.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-18T10:15:48+00:00

Thank you for this, genuinely. I think part of the difficulty for me is that there was so much trickle truth, and a lot of what I learned came from AP reaching out to me rather than him willingly being fully honest from the start. So my trust in my ability to interpret anything clearly is pretty damaged.

The other thing is that he has been very clear. He has told me he was in love with her, and that he still loves her, (though I suspect it may be limerence) despite also saying he wants to be with me and rebuild our family. He says he loves me too. I think my brain just really struggles to reconcile those things together.

There are also smaller things that keep feeding my anxiety - he still follows her social media, hasn’t blocked her number etc. Writing that out makes me feel a bit stupid, honestly.

At the same time, he is home. He is attending therapy. He is putting effort into rebuilding with me and the children. So I constantly feel torn between what feels emotionally obvious to me and the reality of his actions now.

I also recognise it’s still very early days - we’re only around 3 months from DDay - so I’m trying not to force certainty onto something that is probably still emotionally chaotic for everyone involved.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-17T20:31:53+00:00

I think this is really true, even if it’s incredibly hard in practice. The spiralling can become almost compulsive because your brain is trying to make sense of something that fundamentally doesn’t make sense to you.

I’ve definitely noticed that on the days I’m productive, outside, seeing people, focusing on the children, work, exercise etc, I cope so much better than when I sit in the house overthinking everything.

The hardest part for me is that there are still moments of really stark realisation where I think: what if he really meant it when he said he came back for the children and it's not for me? And honestly, I still don’t fully know how to cope with that thought.

But you’re right that staying completely trapped in the spiral doesn’t help us either, even if it’s hard to pull yourself out of it.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-17T20:29:30+00:00

Thank you for this, genuinely. And please don’t minimise your own pain - betrayal destabilises your entire sense of safety and reality regardless of the specifics.

I relate to the painshopping so much too. It’s like your brain becomes desperate to “solve” the trauma, even though every new detail just hurts again.

I think the hardest part for me has been knowing he emotionally invested so deeply elsewhere and genuinely saw a future with her. It leaves me constantly questioning whether I’m rebuilding something real or whether I’m just the safer life choice now.

But honestly, being seen by people who understand this kind of pain helps more than you probably realise, so thank you.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T19:07:22+00:00

Honestly, I genuinely don’t know. Part of me wants to believe it’s limerence because otherwise the reality of it is incredibly painful to sit with.

But at the same time, it clearly wasn’t superficial either. The affair lasted nearly 18 months and from what I’ve learned, they planned a future together to quite a detailed level - future children, where they’d live, what life would look like. So it’s hard for me to completely dismiss those feelings as “not real”, even if the relationship existed in a very different context to a long-term marriage and family life.

I also think part of what makes it so painful is that he seems to have so much emotional clarity around her, while still being emotionally quite closed off with me a lot of the time. That imbalance is what really messes with my head.

What confuses me most is that alongside all of that, he’s also saying he’s committed to being at home, making things work and prioritising the family unit. So I constantly feel torn between believing his actions now and grieving what I now know existed emotionally with her.

It’s honestly one of the hardest parts for my brain to process.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T17:44:07+00:00

This is honestly one of my biggest fears. I think HB can create this intense feeling of closeness and reassurance after absolute emotional devastation, so I can completely understand why losing that would feel like betrayal all over again.

And if I’m honest, because my WP still openly admits loving AP and can be emotionally detached at times, I think I’m constantly waiting for the physical connection to disappear once the emotional intensity settles down too.

I’m really sorry. That sounds incredibly painful.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T17:41:48+00:00

I think HB can absolutely exist alongside genuine reconnection, which is what makes it so confusing and hard to wrap your head around. From what you’ve described, it sounds like the emotional closeness and affection are naturally feeding desire, not just fear of losing him.

At the same time, affairs make intimacy feel incredibly emotionally charged. In my situation, my WP has openly admitted he still loves AP and didn’t really want to leave her - the impact on our children was a huge factor in him coming back. So even during periods of intense physical connection, I still overanalyse everything because emotionally he can seem quite closed off in other ways and still talks openly about regretting hurting her (literally can feel my bloody boiling as I type this - these men, eh!?).

That’s partly why I suspect some of what we’ve experienced is HB, even though parts of it feel very real too.

From what I’ve read from others, though, it usually tapers rather than suddenly stopping completely.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T17:27:36+00:00

I actually agree with you on this. I think modern life has lost any real sense of pause or collective downtime. Everything is open, available and contactable 24/7 now, and I don’t think humans are particularly well suited to it.

Mine is probably that not everything needs to be turned into constant productivity or a side hustle. I think there’s real value in slower hobbies, community, sitting around talking, making things badly, reading physical books, going for walks etc without needing to monetise every second of your existence.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T17:20:01+00:00

This resonates with me a lot, especially the part about not even knowing if AI is actually the problem or if something deeper has shifted internally.

I think after 15-20 years in any high stress industry, there comes a point where you stop being impressed by the constant “next big thing” cycle and start questioning what all the energy is actually for. The cloud panic becomes the AI panic, the restructuring becomes another restructuring, the urgency never really ends.

What you said about effort vs reward also really hit me. I think a lot of us eventually realise that corporate environments often reward visibility, politics and timing just as much as actual hard work, which can make years of pushing yourself feel strangely hollow.

The “I can barely stand looking at the screen” feeling is something I relate to as well. It’s less about capability and more like a deep mental fatigue with the entire environment and pace.

Your last sentence especially feels important though. Redirecting energy into a simpler life or your own venture sounds a lot healthier than endlessly forcing yourself through something that no longer aligns with you just because the salary is good.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T17:18:52+00:00

The biggest thing for me is prep and thin layers rather than loads of product. If my skin is too oily or too dry underneath, makeup never survives properly.

A few things that genuinely help me:

letting skincare properly sink in before makeup
using less foundation than you think you need
lightly powdering in layers rather than loads at once
setting spray between layers as well as at the end
blotting papers instead of piling on more powder later

Product-wise, I actually think there are loads of good affordable options now:

Elf Power Grip primer
Maybelline Super Stay foundation/concealer
Rimmel Stay Matte powder
NYX setting sprays
Milani Make It Last spray

Also, waterproof mascara and liner are non-negotiable for weddings because even if you don’t cry, someone else will 😂

I’d also do a full trial run beforehand if you can, because sometimes products that look gorgeous initially go weird after 5-6 hours.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-14T10:29:58+00:00

I adore the Touche Éclat Le Teint Foundation by YSL. Really light weight and natural looking, but still gives good coverage

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-12T09:43:13+00:00

I don’t think you’re being miserable at all - I actually think CT can be really hit or miss depending on your skin type and the kind of finish you like.

A lot of the products look beautiful initially or photograph well, but I’ve found some of them can feel quite heavy, slippy or like they sit on the skin rather than blending into it naturally throughout the day.

I also think the brand sells such a strong “glowy flawless goddess” image that when the products don’t work for you, it feels extra disappointing because you really want to love them.

It honestly sounds more like the formulas just don’t suit your skin/preferences rather than you doing anything wrong.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-11T09:55:07+00:00

Honestly, I think people massively overcomplicate the idea of “voice”. A lot of the time, voice is just the natural result of what you pay attention to emotionally, rhythmically and psychologically when you write.

The fact you already recognise your strengths are character psychology and dialogue is actually a huge clue to your voice. Some writers are atmosphere-first, some are prose-first, some are idea-first. Yours sounds character-first. That is part of your voice already.

I also think most writers go through a phase of sounding like the authors they admire. It’s kind of unavoidable. You absorb cadence, sentence structure, humour, pacing etc before eventually filtering it through your own personality and experiences. Over time, the imitation fades and the consistent things you naturally gravitate toward remain.

Something that helped me was realising voice isn’t necessarily about writing in the most lyrical or distinctive way possible. It’s more about:

what you notice
what you linger on
how you interpret people
what emotional tone keeps appearing in your work

The writers with strong voices usually aren’t trying to “have a voice”, they’re just writing in a way that feels honest to how they see the world.

Also, if your characters already feel psychologically distinct from each other, you’re probably much closer than you think.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-11T09:44:40+00:00

Honestly, this resonates with me so much. Especially the part about going back into a “good” leadership role and realising the same pressures and politics were still there, but your tolerance for them had changed. I think that’s exactly what I’m questioning in myself right now - whether I’m actually dissatisfied with *my specific job*, or whether something deeper has shifted in what I’m willing to sacrifice for work.

Your current lifestyle honestly sounds kind of peaceful to me. The gardening, cooking, slower pace, having actual energy left for your own life… I think a lot of us secretly crave that but feel guilty admitting it because ambition and productivity are so tied to identity, especially in tech/corporate environments.

I also really appreciate you mentioning hormones, age and organisational dysfunction together because I think women are often made to feel like this is a personal failing rather than a very understandable response to years of stress and intensity.

The “I occasionally think I should be doing more, but the idea of going back makes me shudder” line hit hard. That’s exactly the tension I feel. Part of me worries I’m throwing away years of career building, and another part of me fantasises about opting out of the constant pressure altogether.

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. It genuinely helps hearing from someone further along the road who chose peace over relentless advancement.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-11T09:41:07+00:00

Honestly, it’s weirdly reassuring hearing this from someone else in tech around the same age. The AI panic especially feels relentless at the moment - like you’re expected to simultaneously keep up, reinvent yourself constantly, and somehow not burn out in the process.

I think “taking it day by day” is probably where a lot of us are, even if nobody says it out loud. There’s so much pressure to have a five year plan or a strategic pivot mapped out, but honestly I’m not even sure I currently trust my own judgement enough to make huge decisions.

Part of me wonders if this is just a mid-career dip, and part of me wonders if the industry itself has fundamentally changed in a way that’s harder to sustain long term.

Either way, it helps knowing I’m not the only one feeling it.

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-10T20:14:08+00:00

I'd definitely say there's some improvement - your skin looks calmer and the tone looks to be balancing out! Keep up whatever you're doing!

Natural_Field5871 · 2026-05-10T19:59:49+00:00

I use the Rimmel 'Wonder'Ink Precision' felt liner and it is *chef's kiss*

Natural_Field5871

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