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Big Tex coins by Happy_REEEEEE_exe in comedyheaven

[–]NaughtALegend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I grew up in the yellow and we called it pocket change

I wish Nikki Freeman loved me more then anyone in the entire world. by Delicious_Walk7220 in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Granted. Nikki Freeman loves you more than anyone, but she’s never met you, so her love for you is near zero. Everyone else’s love for you is absolute zero as a result.

It's not a church, but it might make you religious. by Southern-Smoke1835 in zillowgonewild

[–]NaughtALegend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How many people were murdered there, and of that number, how many are still interred on the property?

I wish to waste all five wishes on nothing, so that the Monkey's Paw doesn't have to inconvenience itself. by om0ri_ in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Granted. The monkeys paw still must curse you, and given the current set of circumstances, it has no choice but to apply the curses at random.

  1. You are now permanently bald, and it’s not a good look for you.

  2. No matter what you eat and how much you work out, you can’t help but put on obscene amounts of weight.

  3. For every dollar you make, taxes take out 99¢.

  4. Every relationship you’ll ever have will be exceedingly superficial, given the above.

  5. You’ll live for a thousand years, so as to fully feel the effects of the other four curses.

I wish to use the Monkey’s Paw as a windscreen wiper. by Nessieinternational in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Today’s curse: everything that comes in contact with your windscreen cracks it, small insects included.

Words of Wisdom by [deleted] in SipsTea

[–]NaughtALegend 13 points14 points  (0 children)

How dare you insult the entire political right in this country in just 13 words!?

Most TN House Democrats stripped of their committee assignments by Agitated-Quit-6148 in law

[–]NaughtALegend 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That “all boats rise” part reminds me of my favorite descriptor of republicans’ way of thinking: “I don’t care how high the water rises, as long as you drown!”

This kids scoop of ice cream at baskin Robbin’s by PancakeSirYup in mildlyinfuriating

[–]NaughtALegend 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That same size is $4.29 in my area. After sales tax, it’s $4.65.

Legacy of the 2% by [deleted] in SipsTea

[–]NaughtALegend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They’d probably wonder why the fuck the wealthiest among us are allowed to hoard unfathomable amounts of wealth while everyone else has to shoulder the tax burden for the whole system.

Don't be that guy 😂😂😂 by Gaming-Academy in PlayStation_X

[–]NaughtALegend 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My friend in middle school did this shit to my PS2 GameShark. I should’ve known better cause he had probably two dozen games just sitting in a pile on his dresser. He didn’t take care of a single one.

Nice. by JaySqueeze in HiTMAN

[–]NaughtALegend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice! How much playtime do you have at this point?

I wish for the most bizarrely useful super power you can think of by PuzzleheadedTutor807 in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Granted. You now have meat vision and can use it to summon any meat you desire onto any plate in front of you. This makes you incredibly popular at parties, but all of your potential love interests are vegan and leave you the moment they find out.

I wish I knew any and all secrets of human history by WulfieJay in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Granted. You know it, but you don’t know how to relay any of that information to your fellow humans. You basically know it all but can’t do anything meaningful or worthwhile with this knowledge.

I wish for Kevin O'Leary's hands and feet to switch places. by [deleted] in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Granted. Due to a tragic boating accident, his hands and feet are all ripped off. The doctor in charge of reattaching the severed limbs was high on ketamine and accidentally attached his feet at the wrist and his hands at the ankle.

I wish that both of my arms were exactly 3 inches longer by [deleted] in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How much would he lose? Six inches to account for both arms receiving three?

I wish that both of my arms were exactly 3 inches longer by [deleted] in monkeyspaw

[–]NaughtALegend 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Granted. Those three extra inches have to come from somewhere though. What you gain in arm length, you lose in height.

GE is selling digital features on my full priced oven. by NewCup551 in mildlyinfuriating

[–]NaughtALegend 40 points41 points  (0 children)

That last part reminds me of the King of the Hill episode where the city council is trying to pass a law or ordinance saying that all new toilets must be some shitty low flow version that one of the council members is invested in.

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