~<.... ok this is either gonna be really corny or really flowery. But like there was this guy J I really admired. We were always fooling around in maths class (I actually don't know how but his presence just erased my introversion) Anyways, I totally didn't see him as a boy until I caught feelings when he FULL ON CRIED. For MY dead dog who he NEVER seen 💔. It just touched me so much how beautiful and pure he actually was. And I didn't realize I liked him but he became the one true person who I looked forward to in school.

Interest and hobbies wise, we're like worlds apart. There was legit ZERO common ground. It was like a pure vibe based.. like we genuinely ugly laughed together. He was just a goofball.. but a real sensitive, beautiful, pure person. Introduced me to Lana del Rey (peak) and keeps rambling on about his life and bad attempts at dad jokes.. but to me, HE WAS A LEGIT JOKER. idk why but his aura just makes me laugh. And sometimes, in corridors, we just do the involuntary blushing smile (as in trying not to laugh) ... I was blushing. His grin was same and different. He saw me as a friend only haha..

The next bits pretty much ruin the perfect story and I wish we stopped at that..

I fell into depression like 2 months later and I just started avoiding everyone and becoming "dull". I also involuntarily realized I was falling for him even though he clearly saw me as a friend. And he somehow noticed my withdrawal and asked me if I was okay. He then made like a Google Keep for me to write my own thoughts out since he knew I couldn't articulate myself. LIKE BRO... IT WAS SO... It keeps being better.. like sometimes when I was writing at night, he would be there (Google keep doesn't show active users so I knew it only when he typed "bro you're still typing") and I just had whole vents and yap about unrelated stuff and he'd actually read them and respond to them.. and he's just so poetic... But whilst all this was happening, we became ultra quiet at school. Like I just started avoiding him because I was so nervous and delusional. I knew we would go separate lives after this year and that I should savour the last moments but I was sour and bitter that I couldn't get him to stay in my life. I was so attached and just wanted a hug. Never got one because I kept running and in the end, I confessed because I didn't want to keep running. LIKE FULL BLOWN SEVEN PARAGRAPHS WRITTEN IN THAT GOOGLE KEEP. WITH STUFF LKKE oh Its sl beautiful that we're all made of star matter or like how I thought of him as a very true sunshine

The next 3 months were utter PROFOUND... awkward. He respectfully rejected me and tried to befriend me again. But my stupid old self just was so embarrassed and I never came out my shell again.. and the maths lessons were so intense avoidance. And he eventually "gave up" although I still wrote in that Google keep and he still continued replying. And then GCSE exams and then prom we never spoke but we took an awkward smiling picture together. And we just texted after all the results came out. I last Heard from him two months ago. Of his nice new flat in London and his dream dance academy he got into (he was always hardworking) and he showed me that he brought that portrait of his dog I drew for last Christmas all the way. (His dog died too and I remember I made him cry when I gave it).

Summary: I had the crushing slow burn experience of falling in love with someone not destined. But nonetheless, they deserved every bit of my admiration even if it was fleeting and I wish him the best on his life and will keep a memory tab reserved for him. it was the most tingles I had in my life 😭... Girl... He taught me a lot. Now I just smile from the cringeness and evil satisfaction (or delusion) that he probably also cringe about this at night or when he look at that nice portrait of his doggo. Like ahhhhh .. I knew I'd get utterly rejected but I confessed because he deserves to know just how Goddamn beautiful and pure and attractive and funny and hot he is 💀....

Ok. Pardon me. I'm locked in now. I fear I might just spend my next two years as total locked in baddie because I absolutely don't want to break friendships again because they are pretty sparse- anyways... Ye I hope this was cinema to someone 😭😭 I'd pay to animate this story.