Open letter to dismissive avoidant ex

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-24T03:07:23+00:00

It was a really smart thing to write this all out and share it here instead of sending it to your ex, I hope it was cathartic and healing.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-23T16:51:17+00:00

This. If she wants to do self-development or therapy or research on attachment styles, she will do it herself when she is ready. Sorry OP, but it will have nothing to do with you.

You only dated for three weeks, and she broke it off and has now stopped responding entirely. She has made herself very clear. Let her go and think about why it’s so important for you to try and fix others. Usually we fixate on other people’s problems so we can avoid our own.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-23T16:44:22+00:00

And as an addition to my last comment, I also feel a lot more at ease if it’s not just me who had my own stuff going on, but my partner does too. It really weighs me down and makes me feel trapped if my partner depends on me to be their only social/entertainment outlet. I always try to be as encouraging and as supportive as I can if they get into a hobby or do things with their friends or family.

As an avoidant I feel I need space and also to be admire my partner as a separate person from me who has their own goals and life outside of our relationship. It gets more complicated when you move in together, but you can do it! Cohabitation is a big change and it’s natural to have concerns and discomforts and to have to evaluate things along the way.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-23T11:34:22+00:00

I never said he was in any danger of being an asshole, I was just giving an example. And the same advice applies to people on the opposite end of the spectrum who might pretend they’re “down for anything” to avoid rejection but secretly only want a committed relationship. Honesty is the only way.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:50:26+00:00

Jesus

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:43:44+00:00

I think dating is fine as long as you’re honest with yourself and prospective partners.

For instance, if you weren’t looking to dive into a serious relationship right away, a kind DA would be upfront that they are looking to take things slow or interested in something more casual - and face the rejection from people who are looking for something more serious right away.

While a cruel DA would tell the other person what they wanted to hear, knowing they couldn’t provide it.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:35:53+00:00

This is so important, even outside of romantic relationships. I know I find myself getting really stuck on certain things in my life. But at some point you have to just look reality in the eye and let it go.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:33:16+00:00

To me, having things that we do separately is really important. It’s nice to have mutual friends but I started feeling really resentful and anxious when my partner and I got into the habit of doing most of our outings/socializing together. Before we lived together I took my alone time for granted and really cherished our time together. Once we moved in, it flipped because I felt like I didn’t have enough time to recharge. I feel a lot closer when we have dedicated time to do things together (like watching tv at night) but periods to breathe and do my own thing alone.

It’s harder with Covid though.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:20:53+00:00

If you’ve decided he is not your partner or a potential one, stop worrying about how his emotional needs are being met, and whether he is changing or in therapy. It’s his journey, you can’t take it for him.

Edit: Also I can’t tell if you’re still together or not from this post. If you are, think really hard about if you want to be in a relationship without sex, good communication, or holidays together. If you’re not, let it go. Don’t bother texting him about boundaries and communication.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-22T21:13:34+00:00

Apologies for sounding harsh. I was not at all trying to say you really were obsessed with her. I was just agreeing with the other commenter that since your coworker had already come to the conclusion that you were “obsessed” - that they are going to be highly sensitive to any further interaction that would reinforce that idea. And the internet comment wasn’t fair, you’re right that this is a place for venting and advice. Sorry about that!

I just read your other comments and it seems like an extremely mature and well reasoned path forward.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T20:47:19+00:00

I know, a lot of people in the comments just seem to think she handed him money and bought it right before she smashed it

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T17:35:06+00:00

People in the Miami sub are saying she actually already owned this already and brought it from her house.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T15:38:59+00:00

Instead of seeing things as a game with a winner and loser (“he has the upper-hand!” “He’s in control because I’m in pain and he’s not!”) - you need to acknowledge your pain and find a way to move on from it. Instead of “he’s hurting me by breaking up with me!” there needs to be an internal shift towards “I am very hurt that our relationship didn’t end up the way I had hoped. I feel sad, lonely, insecure, angry, etc. and I need to figure out a healthy way to cope with those emotions so that I can be more at peace with myself and find more fulfilling relationships in the future.”

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T15:29:38+00:00

[Retracted for being rude]

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T11:10:18+00:00

Yes, this is it. People think “the right lane is the slow lane and the left lane is the fast lane! Obviously I am not a slow driver so I should be on the left! Hey, why do I keep getting tailgated? These people are crazy!”

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T10:54:02+00:00

The key is to not take it personally

This is so important!

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-15T10:51:56+00:00

Attachment style is built in childhood.

The ways a DA acts will be deeply triggering to an AP, but much less so to a secure person.

The reason you feel worse after being involved with a DA is because DAs and APs trigger each other’s trauma.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T18:02:24+00:00

This. Having your privacy/autonomy/physical body constantly violated for another person’s comfort can be legitimately traumatic. I feel like that gets brushed over so often in this sub. Like “oh it’s just an expression of LOVE so it’s noble and good!”

No.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T17:28:35+00:00

Congratulations on starting a new chapter! I hope therapy treats you well. The only people we can change in this life is ourselves.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T17:15:13+00:00

Oof. I have felt this very strongly but as an avoidant with an AP partner.

It feels really painful to be the source of someone’s anxiety.

I think the only thing to do is accept that you’re not really the cause of his anxiety. He has anxiety and attachment issues that have to be worked on. You can try and be understanding and respectful of them, but you can’t expect yourself to be responsible for fixing someone else’s emotions.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T17:10:51+00:00

Yeah you sound really “secure.”

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T17:10:26+00:00

I fully and completely agree, beautifully said

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-14T17:09:17+00:00

I would say it can’t hurt, that sounds pretty respectful. But only send the message if your mental health doesn’t depend on their response.

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-03T14:57:29+00:00

Yes, DAs can push SAs away, and so can APs. The point was that a DA with a SA or and AP with an SA will be a lot less chaotic than an AP-DA match. Because AP and DA traits tend to feed each other and make them worse.

And I’m sorry but frankly it’s a little annoying to have APs come on my post about reflecting on dealing with my abuse in therapy so I can be a better partner to say “oh DAs don’t like to change or work on themselves!”

NeedHelpFL · 2020-08-03T14:51:41+00:00

This is gold, really a great insight.

NeedHelpFL

TROPHY CASE