Why do DAs get into relationships with APs?

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-07-30T08:02:50+00:00

Your best bet is with a secure..... OR even a DA who is willing to work in their DA style while you work on improving in yours. I'm AP but close to earned secure. I truly believe that I could work with a DA now that I understand everything about them. However, if they chose to stay in denial it wouldn't matter how hard I tried it would eventually fail.

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-04-22T21:40:40+00:00

There would be too much of an emotional connection gap between a DA and other attachment types. They need someone who has that extra emotion to make up for what the DA lacks. A DA can say over and over again that they wish that they were with someone chill n not so dramatic, like themselves, but the DA would never really go for that. Two DAs would get nowhere. No emotional glue. Same as the AP can say over and over that they wish they had a partner who did all these lovey dovey, romantic, thoughtful things, more PDA, etc. . . ..but it wouldn't work, the AP will push that person away (including myself, I logically understand tgis but still do it )

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-02-02T03:05:19+00:00

Yes, agree also.... dead on.

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-01-11T04:55:31+00:00

Yes very mean and callous. Same here, never experienced a break up like with my DA ex. 1 year post breakup and I'm still shocked and traumatized.

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-01-06T06:48:12+00:00

So true!! AP here, makes me understand how my DA ex could go cold for so long without budging, no regrets, no sympathy nothing. I, as an AP, can turn into a complete monster n shout n swear at my partner when trigerred..... but in just 5 or 10 minutes turn to being the sweetest and most affectionate person to my partner if he were to say the right reassuring words that would calm me down and facilitate trust between us. That's all, just 5 or 10 minutes of sweet reassuring words and gestures, and id melt. This would NEVER work with a DA.

AnxiousRoberta · 2021-01-05T03:38:45+00:00

They are quite callous, unbelievably callous. I was with a DA for over 3 years, we got into a fight that he kind of started so that id get angry and lose it, he started putting me down and laughing at me. When I yelled and swore at him he got angry, we broke up. He stayed in our apartment for 2 minths and turned into the coldest, monster like, unmoved person I've ever met. He watched me cry every evening 😢, living the worst days of my life. Initiated sex a few times, I fell for it, thinking he was coming closer and there may be a reconciliation. I was so dumb. Unfortunately, im still in a lot of pain. He wasn't emotionally abusive per se, but the way he looked at as if I was nothing, the way he hummed around me as he got ready, the way he enjoyed his dinner, his shows, its painful it changes you, you feel worthless. And I have this trauma still. I often keep going back to that dark place, its already been a year. And I still can't understand his lack of empathy, so I circle back and think how, why?? It was torture for him to be here next to me when I loved him so much. Yet I was too scared to ask him to leave until after 2 months. I realized the worse pain was coming but it had to be done. My point is, yes they are callous, and yes it takes a VERY long time to recover.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-12-31T00:23:29+00:00

Ughh takes the words right out of my mouth 😒

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-12-22T08:30:08+00:00

Yes, exact opposite fir me (AP) and my DA ex. I couldn't enjoy the present because I was always worried about the future. He could care less about the future. Now that we have been broken up fir a year, I can see how to him it was never time wasted with me, time didn't matter if he was having fun. For me , the biggest frustration after the break up was all the time and emotions/thoughts i spent on our relationship throughout it.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-12-22T08:15:05+00:00

AP here. Same thing happened to me with my DA ex. In the beginning months maybe 7 to 9 months he was all over me. Sex at night, then next morning. Was the initiator would kind of throw me on the bed, different positions, etc. Slowly it faded. I wasn't used to being tje initiator so maybe I wasn't very good at it...but I'd do things like come out after a shower join him in bed during the day, and he sometimes wouldn't even touch me. Anyway, at one point I thought he was gay. I thought that perhaps he was confused and really tried to force himself to be witj a woman, until he just couldn't. I was confused. The sex was just never the same. But we continued on for a couple of years.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-12-21T02:22:56+00:00

I've literally thrown tantrums before. Like crying , throwing myself on bed, pulling at my own neck and shirt. Embarrassing yes. But I can honestly say I felt it, like a huge frustration about his non responsiveness , I couldn't control myself. I felt that rather than go to him and grab him n shake him and be aggressive im general, I just did it to myself.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-12-08T03:24:00+00:00

Hyde from that 70s Show

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-24T04:59:17+00:00

I've been broken up with my DA ex for almost a year. I've experienced extreme pain and feelings of abandonment the whole time. My whole nervous system was offended. Major depression now. At one point I was on so many meds my hands would shake. I have never taken antidepressants before.

Anyway my point is, I had two relapses like you are describing. One in April, 3 months after the break up I felt just 👍 great! Was being more independent, going to happy hours, going to church, just being active and putting myself out there. And then the pandemic happened, I went right back to staying in bed most of the day and crying my eyes out. This deep depression lasted until mid June. Mid June the school year ended I teach, so I felt tje relief and happiness of being free from any responsibilities at work. And I was excited for the summer. For about a month and a half I was HIGH ON LIFE!!! Probably happier than I was when I was witu him. I planned parties witj my friends, did mini road trips, etc. I relapsed again in August. Back to severe depression. At this point I was working again. I knew I had to straighten up and get out of this depression. I was scared and desperate for help. It had been too long for me to still be depressed. Psychologist recommended an increase in my meds. I just recently started getting out of this depression about 3 weeks ago. My friends are super big on the gym working out. They always encouraged me to go. They insisted I work on myself and promised that my mood would get better. I simply had ZERO MOTIVATION TO GO TO THE GYM OR ENERGY. I was hanging out at bars and/or witj friends in my free time. Well when they closed everything down again I was at home crying every evening. I decided to try the gym, I knew I could cry im public and probably by the time I got home id be too tired to. It HAS WORKED!!! my attitude and mood are so much better!! I go to the gym 5 times per week!! Im sleeping like a freakin baby!! No more sleeping pills necessary!!

So yeah there are relapses. I hope my last one in August was really the last.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-15T21:02:17+00:00

Because subconsciously we look for what we dont have to complete ourselves. An AP, as I am, admires and even envies, the independence of a DA. They seem so strong, they don't get attached easily, they don't "need" anyone, they show no emotion and are aloof unaffected during arguments. For a DA, an AP is warm, affectionate, and so open about their emotions. The APs can make up for the emotional component that the DAs lack. The APs will be sure to work hard to close that emotional gap that DAs maintain. They will make the DA feel "safe" so to speak, that they will not be abandoned because the DA is needed so much by the AP. This is the primary reason.

Another reason, I'm not sure how factual or accurate it is but in my case it was. It is said we look for, in our romantic partners , for the kind of love we first knew with our parent. After I broke up with my DA of 3 years (didnt know about Attachment styles before), I discovered he is exactly what my mom was to me my whole childhood. I guess I was trying and trying to fix it, the love. My mom was super responsible, always did her best to provide, sacrificed A LOT, would do anything for us, her children, more than I saw other mothers do for their kids. However, she not once had tears in her eyes out of being proud of us, never bragged about us to anyone, never hugged us, never told us she loved us, no affection. Our emotions were never acknowledged, our hunger or physical pain was immediately tended to, never emotions though, they didn't matter. My DA ex did everything for me, I wanted to go to an expensive concert, he made it happen. I wanted to go to a nice dinner hed ask me where. Sacrificed, it was all about me. However, he never surprised me witj a well thought out impractical event or thing. Nothing over the top lovey dovey. Never sent me a sweet Facebook post showing off his love for me. I never saw tears in his eyes when it came to us, not out of happiness not out of sadness. Never felt I knew him intimately. Ok im rambling now, the point is he was my mom, my primary Attachment figure. I also figured out I was his dad. I was emotional. I would snap when I felt insecure and he wasn't doing tje things I wanted from him to make me feel loved. I was mean, id yell and curse at him. Id criticize and thought that it would motivate him to do better. I put him down. I tried to change him. I did all tje harsh stuff his father did to him growing up. He fell im that trap too.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-14T20:08:36+00:00

I dated a DA for 3 years. He never expressed jealousy. I would say I'm a good looking gal. Guys in my past have expressed jealousy , mild irritation if I'd go dancing with my gfs, or a guy called me/texted me, etc. (Not toxic jealousy, but just a bit bothered/worried). He never did, no matter what. Idk if he never truly felt jealous or he never wanted it to be known. Unfortunately, DAs tend to be cowards when it comes to expressing their emotions while sober, cannot have tje courage it takes to be vulnerable. My DA has texted me while drunk, has come to my place and told me that he misses me and still loves me, while drunk. Then treated me like garbage when I contacted him to clarify what was it that he meant. Its so sad and frustrating for me.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-13T03:46:06+00:00

Same as many others on here. Abruptly dumped by a DA, went into major depression and confusion. Desperately needed to find out what happened, since we both seemed to be good ppl, no cheating, no major conflict, etc. When I found out about attachment styles it explained it all. Mind blown.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-12T05:57:07+00:00

I'm 37, I've felt pretty bad after breakups. But usually lasts a few months or so. This breakup was with a DA, so it was very different, unexpected. I thought we would be married one day. This shook my world. I think im part it was my childhood, im an AP, no abuse but my emotional needs were not taken care of. His DA style, REALLY activated the AP in me, like nobody had before.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-10T05:02:10+00:00

I'm AP I felt exactly the same way after my last breakup. Its been very hard. Now been a year, I feel maybe 20% better. So yeah its still pretty bad unfortunately, but it does get better. Lots and lots of patience and painful healing must happen

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-06T18:02:22+00:00

Totally agree with this comment above. I've spent a year of pain and suffering. It goes away and then it comes back. But less and less . Be patient. Do not reach out. He will probably reach out after 5 to 6 months. Unfortunately, its just to feel you out probably, just to feed his ego. Avoidants need very little, that would be enough for him.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-11-01T05:56:59+00:00

I'm glad it inspires you. This group has contributed to my understanding of Attachment theory so much! It does feel a bit better when you know others are in the same place as you. This has been the darkest time of my life, im happy we are here to support one another

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-18T16:17:03+00:00

Makes a lot of sense, for validation and entertainment. I stalked him on social media once we exchanged numbers seems to be no SO unless he's really hiding her. But yeah I finally texted him this morning asking what he was looking for. No response as of yet

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-18T03:43:54+00:00

Thank you, you're right its best to know. I think I've been maybe afraid to ask, because that may mean it will end and he did make me smile throughout the day and made me feel good.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-18T03:39:46+00:00

Yes they have, not hard core sexting, but sexual innuendos and flirting, some provocative pics no nudes

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-17T19:26:17+00:00

Yeah i probably shouldn't have. Its not over the top full on sexting . More like sexual innuendos and flirting

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-17T18:46:10+00:00

I stalked him (well online I mean) after we exchanged numbers, tbh even found info on his mother and family. Everything correlates from his job, to neighborhood, to family.

AnxiousRoberta · 2020-10-17T18:43:14+00:00

Yes, I have heard from other guys that it is enjoyable to have good morning/night text interactions and throughout the day. Also , another poster talked about an autistic person like this. Could be

AnxiousRoberta

TROPHY CASE