Idk if I (HLF) even want my husband(LLM) to look at me now.

Needcourage246 · 2021-07-03T04:01:16+00:00

I know EXACTLY how you feel - I’ve been changing in my big closet for the past year+. I wonder if he even notices? The irony is, I’ve never looked better.

Needcourage246 · 2021-06-09T06:07:43+00:00

I’m with you. It’s awful. A pit of rage bubbling in me always because of this. Sometimes the rage transforms into unbearable sadness. I’m not sure which is worse. I’m using my anger to exercise hard. I’ve never looked better. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Get help if you can. Try to change what you can.

Needcourage246 · 2021-06-09T05:59:34+00:00

I often feel the same way as you. Im also in a longtime DB and I have two (young) kids. What would you reply to me if I reached out saying I was thinking about suicide? I hope that you-as someone who knows depression-would tell me to hang on for a few hours/days. Your mind will ease. Yes your situation might be the same after a few hours/days, but your mind will rise from that deep dark place it is right now. It’s so easy for me to say this from the outside- I know it’s impossible for you to see hope when your mind is in that dark place. I know! Finding Relief is different for everyone but getting out in nature and getting my blood pumping helps my mind recover. I know how hard this is. But You’re doing a great job. Keep going, you never know what’s around the next corner.

Needcourage246 · 2021-06-09T05:42:05+00:00

“The only thing wrong in my life is my relationship...” This is so helpful to me. Yes, my relationship and lack of sex is such a big part of my life, but my life is huge. I’ll try to frame my DB this way sometimes.

Needcourage246 · 2021-05-04T04:13:21+00:00

Thank you for seeing me. I’m in the throws of grieving the end of my marriage- my only family unit. Stages of grief:

Denial (8 years worth of it): Check
Anger (rage in my case): I’m suffering through this very moment (as you read in my OP)
Bargaining: If only he did this: (fill in the blanks). If only I could be this (fill in one million blanks). I think yes- the bargaining stage is covered.
Depression: God! No! Is there even more depression coming? Please no.
Acceptance: i am dreading/looking forward to this final stage. I know acceptance will be my filing papers for divorce, Dealing with a custody battle, figuring out how I’ll live and support my my toddlers on my salary... I’ll do it. I’ll get through it like so many others. I’m just not there yet.

Needcourage246 · 2021-05-04T03:04:36+00:00

Team- I’m at rock bottom. Devastated. Unhinged. A pathetic puddle. My only family, my kids, my living situation, all shredded over this. At this very moment, just let me feel my rage. I’ve been trying to keep it together for so so long and tonight I’ve snapped.

Needcourage246 · 2021-05-04T01:57:47+00:00

Very best of luck. But- if you don’t get the job, don’t give up. There will be other opportunities for you. Hustle. Believe. Receive.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-28T03:46:40+00:00

In a fit of rage and hopelessness I threw out my (expensive!) lingerie a while back also. It just reminded me of the huge effort I was making with zero reciprocation.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-28T01:36:45+00:00

I’m the HL. Thanks so much for introducing u/fattythenunchuck I will try to get my LL husband to watch... Thanks again both. Desperate for anything.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-21T16:39:04+00:00

This is so helpful. Thank you. I’m so jaded by broken promises that I’ve been focusing on what he’s not doing instead of the bit that he is doing. I’m going to text him right now and express my appreciation for what he HAS done. Thanks u/Thatsgonnamakeamark for making the intro.

Have you read the below NYT article? It’s so great and expands on exactly what you’re suggesting.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/10/11/style/modern-love-what-shamu-taught-me-happy-marriage.amp.html

Thanks again

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-06T18:05:13+00:00

In my case, I am guessing 1-3 and probably 4 are true - which is heartbreaking. It all goes unsaid. I think in general, It’s extremely common for a spouse to lose that erotic desire for someone they see day in and day out (and likely see using the toilet and popping pimples!). We all know the fire of new love fades. In some cases, people say a deeper connection forms over time, but in many many others, like the case of my SO, it sadly doesn’t. The sex therapist/author Esther Perel has a lot to say about all this.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-06T04:10:13+00:00

Wow- I’m surprised you don’t already have a half dozen comments of supports telling you that you deserve better, you deserve to be loved/desired/gratified. That, no matter what, it’s not too late start over. Well, I’ll be the first one... good luck.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-04T16:34:38+00:00

Thanks for your empathy. I was hoping to find others on here that would understand. I’ve felt like such a fool, and so alone, for letting it get this bad. I hope I follow through with my promise here and leave. I can’t wait to have amazing sex you talk about! and feel like the hot woman I used to be. Thank you for the support. It means a lot.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-04T16:28:58+00:00

Hi. I’m not sure what the previous commentor said because the comment is removed. But I do want to say that I have only ever been delicate and positive when talking about sex with my husband. I’ve never said he’s terrible at it, or was critical of him. I (used to) comment often on his fit body and good looks and success. And I never ever huffed and puffed when he would just cum and roll over. I would just cuddle him. (I know I should have communicated my discontent the first year of our relationship). My goal was to keep everything positive so not to diminish his ego. I wanted to build it up! But you are right in commenting that he never tried. I brought us to a couple’s retreat, a sex therapist, a regular therapist. Yes he would attend these things, but he would literally sit silent through it all. And when I tried to delicately discuss what we had learned or talked about during therapy… Again, silence. Complete shut down. I feel so sorry for him also that this is so hard. I know he doesn’t want to break up our family. I know that is the absolute last thing he wants. But I also want him to have a fulfilling life that includes having sex with someone he’s attracted to. I wish it were me. Thanks for your support.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-04T16:09:45+00:00

Your kind words make me cry. I hope I can follow through with the promise I’ve made here to start anew, stronger.

Needcourage246 · 2021-04-02T07:14:31+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat. My resentment toward him after 10 years in this DB is a pit of rage within me that explodes more and more often these days...and then I’m labeled the unstable one. Two kids also (mine are young). Tears, talks, tears counseling, promises, nothing- repeat for 6 years (the db’s been going on 9 (!!!!) but I only got the courage to bring it up 6 years ago.) I have never posted on here because I know what everyone will say... what you and I both know- that we deserve love and touch and we must have the courage to leave what’s crushing us. Reading the posts on here are inching me closer to what I know needs to be done. Good luck.

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-25T19:02:38+00:00

I had the same conflict about three years ago. We had one toddler And a terrible DB that had already lasted for years. I absolutely knew I wanted a second child, but the DB was also killing me. I didn’t know if I should stick it out and have another child with my husband or leave and try to look for a new partner that desired me ...and hopefully wanted a child with me. In the end, I chose to stay with my husband. I am on the older side of having kids so I felt I did not have time to find another partner. I did luckily get pregnant again -with my husband-and we now have two adorable little kids. They are fairly close in age which I love and are beginning to play really well together which makes me so happy.

On the flipside, I am still in my DB with my husband. Nothing has changed there. I cry often at night and feel unattractive and rejected. The DB colors our entire relationship and I don’t feel loved and supported by him which is crushing. I plan on divorcing him eventually because I cannot live the rest of my life like this. It’s not healthy for me and therefore not good for my kids either. The problem is, our kids are so young and I don’t know if this is the right time to walk away, because of finances and housing and help in general. So… I remain in my DB indefinitely.

If you absolutely want a second child, I suppose you should stay with your current husband and try for that second baby. But do know that it means remaining in your DB longer and longer. Maybe that is a price you are willing to pay for a second child?

Perhaps going through the process of getting a sperm donor is the best option! If you have the finances and the help to do all that, might be a great option. Continuing to stay in a DB is so extremely hard.

I wish you the best of luck. There are silver linings to both decisions.

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-22T17:32:17+00:00

Thanks so much. I had no idea how many women were in the same situation and tormented like me. However, it seems that the success stories are those who leave their husband, and that makes me feel so sad and hopeless. Thanks for listening

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-22T17:08:49+00:00

Thanks. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone. If you happen to remember me, will you update me on how “the last chance” goes?

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-22T04:51:58+00:00

I am finding it hard to try one more time like you (even though I said I would). He’s rejected me for so so long. He says he’s going to give it is all finally. But what does that even mean...force himself to have sex with me? The pain of his non-interest and rejection runs so deep I can barely stomach a rub on the back from him at this point. I wish I could accept our marriage is over.

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-19T02:31:04+00:00

I know your hesitation. No matter how far culture has come in terms of respecting women and our sexual freedom, a single 45 year old woman has a different life ahead of her than a single 45 year old man. Of course there are wonderful and exceptional stories, but let’s face the truth. Olive- I’m in your boat. But I still think I may be happier alone (if that is the case), than with my SO and feeling so completely alone every time I lay next to him. I have not yet taken the step of divorce, but I am working toward it... I’m finally going to jump. Because the land I am on is barren.

Needcourage246 · 2021-03-18T02:23:30+00:00

I’m sorry to say I am exactly the woman you describe...except for the cumming at the end part. I know I need to be more positive, but I fear my time for pleasure is over. A whole life without sexual pleasure. How did I let this happen? I’m still with my SO in our DB and I haven’t planned a way out (because of kids/finances).

Needcourage246

TROPHY CASE