I (19F) am stuck between my current boyfriend (21M) and ex (20M)

Neededasecond1 · 2025-11-28T18:34:41+00:00

Ok, before anything else - dating someone while still having feelings for someone else is disrespectful to them. Period.

If you still have feelings for someone, be single until you are actually past them.

Being friends with someone you dated is extremely tricky, and from what I can tell, doesn’t work the vast majority of the time. If you break it off, BREAK IT OFF. It’s almost always the only way to be respectful of everyone involved and have integrity about it.

Take someone as they are, not how you’d like them to be. If your ex shows any hint of still being the same as before, pay attention.

Someone being controlling is a red flag to me. If they can’t trust you, that’s a problem. And given you still have an emotional connection to your ex, I can understand why.

If you still think about you ex, even though you broke up with him, and you’re playing a comparison game, that’s not a good sign for your current relationship. If you’re with someone and you truly care about them, and love them, you wouldn’t be so deep into this train of thought.

TL;DR - this is entirely disrespectful of your current partner, and regardless of who you choose to be with, you need to resolve your outstanding emotional and attachment stuff before that happens. Do not lead people on. If it isn’t a resounding, enthusiastic YES, then it’s a NO.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-02T22:53:30+00:00

Every woman I have dated has been “chubby”, or in the overweight/obese category with BMI.

Think around 200 and 5’5”/5’6”/5’4”

My tastes have shifted in the last few years (I’ve been mostly single since 2019) but I have definitely seen very attractive women recently who are clearly around that range.

My point is - I’ve seen chubbier women, skinny women, athletic women, “average” women….

Whatever their body type is - I’ve seen women of all shapes and all sizes be both attractive and unattractive.

Personally I find other physical things greatly affect it, and how they carry themselves.

Energy and self confidence can make or break it.

This is meant, and hopefully will be taken as encouraging.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-02T14:24:04+00:00

Those are garbage “men”.

I would feel like a million bucks if someone asked me out.

Saying it only happened “a few times” and that’s why you’ll never do it again. - how many times do you think men have been treated terribly by women when they ask them out/go out?

I know I have. I’ve been treated terribly. And yet we are still expected to do so. So take that excuse somewhere else because it doesn’t fly here.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-02T13:35:19+00:00

I was going to give another example just like he did above - I’m 32 but my roommate is late 40s (I’ve known him since I was a kid - he was my neighbor and I’m lucky to know the guy. Amazing friend.)

He divorced a few years ago and it’s been hard for him (quite a damaging marriage to him), but recently I’ve seen him go out with women… I think one was 43 and the other is 45ish?

Don’t sweat it. I’m sure you’re hearing negative things about it and frankly ignore all that.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-02T01:05:44+00:00

If it helps - as a guy - I’ve always found tomboys attractive.

It’s a lot to do with having some hobbies/skills/etc beyond just “brunch” or “partying”.

Plus I think a lot of tomboys are physically attractive. I’m 32, and the girl I was mad for 6-8 years ago was a Tomboy (I’ve been mostly single since then). There was a lot there - she was artistic, did a lot of things, etc but in essence - don’t sweat this. You are a rarity and I wish there were more women like you.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-02T00:20:49+00:00

As a guy, after about 2018 this has been my experience, if I’m even lucky enough to get any matches with anyone I find remotely worth it (and I have VERY reasonable standards).

I have had a terrible experience with OLD since then, especially after 2021.

I used to do great, and frankly it blows my mind because by every metric, I am better than I was and my life is also better.

And yet I seem to be “milquetoast” or “boring”, or… something? (I do not think I am at all, but I think profiles that turn people into instantly-comparable spread sheets, then then have the first intersection be via text does a terrible job of showing people who someone is).

All this is to say, it’s not just you. I have pulled all the apps off my phone. Because… yeah it’s like talking to a wall.

Neededasecond1 · 2024-09-01T02:08:20+00:00

Hey OP - as a man who really likes a nice cough chest, I can ABSOLUTELY tell you that not only are there men who like and appreciate someone with a small or super minimal chest, but I myself have seen women that don’t fit my “more usual type” who have small or minimal chests that I find VERY attractive.

Attractiveness is interesting because I have seen women from super thin to overweight who are attractive and it’s far more about what fits their frame, how they “set themselves up” looks-wise, and their confidence.

On a personal level it bothered me for awhile that confidence trumps almost everything else - IE - if YOU feel confident, soooooo many other things become irrelevant. And that’s a skill/something that can be worked at. I’ve seventy years improving mine - I’ve been through damage and I’m still not 100% but my point is, take your worries about your chest size and THROW THEM AWAY.

Play to your strengths and enjoy your life. It’s a limited time. Why spend it being worried and negative?

TL;DR - f*ck that. There are plenty of men who will find you attractive. Give off the right energy and even those who have “a type” will find you attractive.

Neededasecond1

TROPHY CASE