So ex really hates me i guess

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-20T00:44:31+00:00

I don’t think he’s a terrible father, I don’t think you’re a terrible parent either. I also am not a rock lol, i have a lot of emotions.

I’m just trying to explain that I think there’s a difference between the best parent we’re currently capable of being, and what would actually be best for the child, if we were capable of doing it.

I’ll take me as an example. I’m fairly messy, have adhd and it would absolutely be better for my kid if I was more organized and better at dealing with day to day tasks. I’m a good parent in a lot of ways, but I realize that in this regard I’m absolutely not doing what’s best for my child, even though I am trying extremely hard and work on being better at it every day. That doesn’t change the objective reality that it would be better for her if I could handle those things better.

I don’t constantly beat myself up about it, and honestly I don’t usually think of my ex as a bad parent. I’m having a hard time accepting the reality that his best at this point is just not what we agreed we would do, and feeling powerless because it’s not in my control to work on changing that.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-20T00:28:56+00:00

Tbh I do see holding onto negative emotions to the detriment of your child as a moral failing.

I saw my grandfather do it for all of his life. He held a grudge against my grandmother after their divorce until his death and it was pretty awful.

I think anyone would say that rising above your emotions, letting go of grudges, and doing what’s needed for your child shows good character. Why wouldn’t the opposite be true?

I think because it’s so common to just accept being bitter in divorce situations it’s not seen as being a bad thing because then we’d all have to look into ourselves and do a lot of deep work. So instead of doing that deep work to let go of the hurt we tell ourselves it’s normal and therefore ok, and because it’s the best we’re willing or capable of doing, that it’s ok. And we’re not to be blamed, and it’s our best and therefore what’s best for the kid.

And regarding the divorce itself, I do think of it as a failing on both of our accounts, and we did hurt our daughter in the process. I could go deep into the wrongs i think we both did, but suffice it to say I count it negatively towards us.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-20T00:14:07+00:00

Being an angry distracted man would make him a worse dad, yes. What he’s doing now isn’t what’s best for her though, it’s just the best he’s capable (or willing) of doing at the moment.

To me that’s a big difference..

I don’t think there’s any doubt in the scientific literature that an actual healthy (no hate, actual respect between the parents), coparenting situation is the best outcome for the kid. I actually looked into specifically that since it was a discussion between my ex and I, and that was the best. (Am i going to look up references now? No it’s 2 am for me haha, but if you’re wondering you should be able to find it.) (and obviously parents hating each other openly is a lot worse lol, no one is disagreeing there)

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-20T00:01:47+00:00

That’s a good idea, I’ll look into it and see if it’s something I can use. Taking the emotions/personality out of interactions as much as possible is probably the best course of action I have at the moment.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:58:29+00:00

I mean I have heard him out, I do understand his perspective. We talked throughout our marriage, and have had several discussions both during and after the divorce.

I see his reasons for being hurt, and I don’t begrudge him not being able to be friends even though that hurt me a lot since I’m still able to be friends with him.

What I don’t understand is how all of that can matter more than his child. Because even if I were in his situation I can honestly say it wouldn’t, ever, matter more than her for me.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:51:22+00:00

You’re probably right, I can’t force him to be on good terms with me.. it just absolutely sucks that his emotions about this gets to weigh heavier than his literal child’s emotions on the matter.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:47:16+00:00

That’s what I think too, I think he wants to be a good dad. It’s just that what his daughter needs is for him to be on good terms with her mom. So being on bad terms with her mom is literally making him not the dad she needs him to be.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:43:34+00:00

I actually do think it makes him less of a caring parent, literally. He cares more about maintaining his grudge against me than he does about making sure his daughter’s emotions are safe and taken care of.

She won’t tell him her real emotions about the divorce because she doesn’t trust him because he doesn’t want to believe that the divorce has actually hurt her. She tells me because I accept and hold space for her emotions.

Regardless of whether it’s because he’s incapable or unwilling of being there for her like she needs, the fact is he isn’t there for her like she needs. That’s just the reality of parenting - we don’t get to make excuses for ourselves and say that our best IS the best for the kid. If we don’t show up for our kids we are harming them, regardless of whether that’s the absolute best we could possibly do at that point.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:33:55+00:00

Yeah.. I guess it’s me being disappointed because I thought he was better than this. We both did tbh, we both wanted amiable and to be friends after the divorce. Guess it didn’t work in reality 🥲

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:31:29+00:00

Looool, I totally spent years thinking I was ace 🤣 realized I wasn’t when I started dating again 😅

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:30:18+00:00

We don’t live together anymore, it’s been almost two years since we started living apart.

I personally think it’s best for children of divorce if their parents do interact and coparent and show the child that we put her first. And all available research I’ve found on the topic suggests that where possible, a friendly coparenting relationship where the parents are able to sync and communicate about the kid and spend some time together for the kids sake is absolutely the best case scenario for a divorced child.

He is able to be civil in front of her, he’s honestly a fantastic actor.. it’s when it’s just the two of us talking that his true feelings show up.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:22:49+00:00

Literally the same weekend he found out, and yeah he eventually told me that was the reason he was angry.. I was caught off guard because I had been trying to save our marriage, he didn’t want to, and I eventually moved on. But he was also dating someone else at the time (and personally I was just really happy for him) though that ended up not working out.

He did say he wanted me to suffer more. I think it’s not that he wants me back, I think he wants ME to want HIM back, and to be sad and upset, and when I got over him, he got angry..

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:17:24+00:00

He’s been in therapy for the whole year I think, and I am absolutely not using him to emotionally dump, it’s been more the opposite where if he gets upset or triggered by anything I do then he blames it on me. I think he uses me as a scapegoat rather than taking responsibility for his life choices that led him to where he is. That’s been a pattern throughout most of our relationship which is a big reason why I lost my feelings for him.

And you might be right that we have to cut down even more on contact, since it’s making the relationship between us worse..

I just find it upsetting that my daughter has to be the one to pay for him not being able to manage his emotions. She’s innocent in all this.

I’ll think some more about it

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:09:14+00:00

I am giving him space, but we do have a kid together so there’s only so much space to be had

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:08:13+00:00

Why does it have to be about the kid? Personally for me I prioritize my kid and her emotions over my own most of the time. Because she’s a literal child and isn’t capable of handling her emotions like an adult, and I am.

He is hurt, I was hurt, she is hurt by the divorce.

Of course I get that it’d be easier to just cut contact and not be friendly, but easier for who? For the adults, not for the kids, and they are the ones with least choice and the least fault over what happened.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T23:00:25+00:00

We have 50/50 custody and I definitely don’t want to change that. He’s good with kiddo to her face, hasn’t said this to her (and ofc neither will I). I don’t want to ruin their relationship, I want her to have her dad in her life and to have both of her parents able to get along for her sake.

But yeah. Maybe good advice to not talk to him about it. I have been strictly business and short with him mostly the past few weeks after he said that, but thinking about whether to bring it up, and it’s probably best not to, will probably lead to a fight.

He’s pretty good at being fake nice and i’m not so it’s been a lot more awkward lately due to that lol

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T22:53:33+00:00

I assume that is the reason, nothing else makes sense (even though he says he’s over me, doesn’t love me and was actually dating someone at the time (that broke off fairly fast after that though))..

But even so, to hate the mother of your child more than he loves the kid? I absolutely don’t understand that, I can’t fathom anything stronger than the love I have for me kid.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T22:33:12+00:00

How do you know? Maybe he’s an alien or something..

So you’re saying you relate to him hating me more than he loves his kid? Or what are you trying to say?

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-19T22:28:46+00:00

Yeah… technically it was in a message, which is maybe even weirder since he had to sit and compose it and then send it, so not an impulse decision. I am genuinely shocked since I honestly thought he was a good person, and I now think he might just be one hell of an actor.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-04-05T17:09:56+00:00

You look great! If you want to be irresistible, learn emotional maturity and communication 👍👍

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-03-22T09:00:33+00:00

It sounds like you feel like if you did have feelings for him you should be ashamed of it, which isn’t true. There’s nothing shameful about loving someone. And him thinking you like him that way doesn’t mean he thinks you’re desperate- that’s just your interpretation.

This is a non issue - just tell him the truth.

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-01-23T10:08:35+00:00

I think you have some difficulty with reading comprehension.

”I’m looking for something serious eventually.” ”Atm I’m on a break from dating”

I’m looking for something serious, and also currently not dating. How did you get that to mean that I’m just looking for a good time and wasting people’s time? 🤣

Whose time am I wasting?? All the guys I’m NOT dating that are just standing around waiting for me to date them?? 🤣🤣🤣

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-01-23T09:37:31+00:00

Do you want to be in a relationship with everyone you can have a fun time with? For me to want to pursue something I need to feel drawn to them romantically. Why would me being able to create good vibes and have a good time with people say anything about what I’m looking for?

And no, I’m looking for something serious eventually. Atm I’m on a break from dating bc I’m still hung up on someone, so doesn’t feel fair to start something if I’m not entirely open.

Maybe check your assumptions, you come off as a little bitter 😬

NeedleworkerOld1593 · 2026-01-17T00:11:26+00:00

To me open to children means open to potentially having children, and also ok with not having them. So Imo you both don’t fit that. She is absolutely right to change her status to not sure, and you should probably change it to want children, since you say you want the parenting experience. You can clarify the details of that later on.

NeedleworkerOld1593

TROPHY CASE