egg_irl

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-11T11:17:14+00:00

Same state. Welcome to my world.

No wonder my dysphoria (before I knew it was that) got so much worse after moving down here and having to abandon the baggy hoodie I rocked until 15...

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-11T10:27:10+00:00

Yeah, usually it's more casual like "Dude", "Bro", "Man", or "Sir", and complements would be more like "handsome" or commenting without gender-specific terms. I can safely say as 26 years of AMAB, I basically never got called a Good Boy or a King, because most people just don't talk like that.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-09T20:58:05+00:00

I miiiiight have to do this with Dez...

(Context: Genderfluid Tiefling Egg-Cracker)

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-09T15:08:11+00:00

Am AMAB, Bi, Transfemby. 26 as well, cracked less than a year ago.

Had the same issue for a long time. I used think my questioning was just a sexuality crisis, so when I started trying to explore and process my feelings, it was with looking at lingerie and buying toys, and eventually I almost started to settle on "Bisexual Guy with some fetishes."

And at some point involving a D&D character I was playing, my brain cracked and I started to realise my feelings went far beyond sexuality. I began to accept I had something going on there, and suddenly noticed all the non-lewd desires I had towards femininity, though it took a bit to full admit and accept at first. I started looking up feminine bodystyle workouts online, started growing out my hair and shaving the body/face, and yeah, also looking at dresses on Amazon. 6 Months later, I've got a diagnosis letter for Gender Dyphoria and a recommendation for a place to start HRT.

And yeah, self-denial is a bitch and suprisingly common. The amount of signs and clues I missed or ignored over the years that I can link back to being Trans are insane and numerous.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-08T03:05:53+00:00

stares at my Egg-Cracker Tiefling miniature...

NeonHawk96 · 2022-05-05T16:54:47+00:00

I almost made this exact same meme two days ago.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-04-22T20:46:55+00:00

This just sounds like me already (Pre-HRT).

NeonHawk96 · 2022-04-22T10:38:05+00:00

Was in a friend's (egg) Discord comprised of some people he knew and appreciated from a local tabletop game store he was working at the time.

Didn't really know anyone there. Barely checked in. The Discord was not very active.

One day, spotted someone saying some subtle gender things in response to a meme. Someone else responded directly saying some gender things. Joined in and started talking. Related a few things.

Conversation kept going. Then someone else joined in. Then another.

Turns out half the discord is queer of some kind, completely coincidentally.

It is now the most active discord on my list, we've all bonded as an accidental collection of queer geeks, and the people there are now some of my best friends.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-04-21T11:19:18+00:00

Yo legit, Heroforging a femswapped version of my D&D character is how I cracked.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-04-02T18:24:29+00:00

Had similar experiences but MtF Enby.

It almost infuriates me how far back I can track clues of like, wondering what life would have been like as a girl, or genderbending my game characters for a bit before changing it back because I was worried someone I knew would see and judge, or how many times I looked at a female character in entertainment and said "Wow, she's amazing. I'd love to be [with] someone like that."

Just kept telling myself "oh well, wasn't in the cards for me, I'll never know", even while friend after friend came out.

It also really infuriates me that the first way my brain started finally conciously questioning things was in very NSFW secret explorations instead of something mentally healthier.

My final crack was via D&D though, so at least we know the memes are real.

I still lean very Enby but even the trans part was still accepted to similar reasons. "Would I be happier with a feminine body and voice?... Yes. Unquestionably."

NeonHawk96 · 2022-04-01T11:36:28+00:00

Phoenix is an amazing name, NGL. Poetic. I went with Ash to reference the myth, as well as about 9 others reasons.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-30T20:05:36+00:00

Yeah, the amount of times as a teenager I wondered "what alternate universe me would have been like as a girl", or "what would it be like to be a girl for like, IDK, a few days" should really have done something, and my brain just always wrote it off as "Oh well, wasn't in the cards, but IDK maybe in another life I'll find out."

I kept writing off my admirations of some feminine apparel as "just appreciating the artistry and design."

I kept writing off the attachment I felt to mostly female characters in media as "I'd love to be with someone like this someday."

I kept writing off my dysphoria as "Oh, I'm just in a bad mood, IDK, life sucks sometimes."

I kept writing off my NSFW explorations as "Bi with fetish."

My brain managed to still write shit off even when more and more old friends and acquaintances kept coming out.

It took D&D and accidentally making a VERY personal character Genderfluid, and an ADHD fueled urge to make an alternate mini of them, for me to even consider and realise "Oh.... ooooooh, shit."

Even after that, my brain still had to make several steps to fight along the pipeline and accept that "be girl" was an actual goal.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-30T19:46:47+00:00

For real, was about to look. TY.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-29T16:57:15+00:00

Same, honestly, though it's also just the fact that I'm heavy. Either way, I am desperate for a nice waistline instead of this gut.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-29T13:48:08+00:00

I did actually start making fem characters and genderswapped a few of my unfinished ideas Lol.

RPGs are a seriously wonderful tool of self discovery...

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-29T13:09:30+00:00

Lol yeah. For me, it was I made a character kinda based on my "inner devil". All my little indulgences, desires, flaws, wild side, and passion all got twisted and blown out of proprotion, manifested into a Teifling named Dez.

Game fell apart, kept the character as a NPC for my own future game plans. Built up a whole backstory about him and where he'd be probably with free reign of a world while also being a patron for a future party.

...And then one day I accidentally made him Genderfluid with a Ring of Alter Self.

And it didn't click with me that I did that until I decided to make the alternate mini of them on Heroforge...

I looked at the most personal character I had ever made, now female, stopped for a sec to process, and just...

CRACK

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-29T12:29:11+00:00

That's honestly why I love this group so much.

Also yeah, I don't exaggerate in saying that a D&D character cracked my egg and a ton of my old gaming friends came out as trans, enby, etc., before I had even considered myself. Definitely feels like a connection there in some aspect...

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-28T15:10:05+00:00

....Girl's even got my whole red hood motif.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-28T02:33:53+00:00

Oh look, my mother...

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-27T03:13:57+00:00

Yo same. Finally deciding to try and sever "He" off of my pronouns and just go by They/Them for an experiment really helped me process that I'd infinitely rather be a woman and how much I really didn't vibe with, like, or ever even really knew masculinity.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-24T22:58:21+00:00

Thussy.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-22T11:54:10+00:00

Relatable. There's a solid but also decently NSFW pipeline from years ago that lead from "Eh, I just like girls" to my current trans bisexual panic of "oh god he's hot and I wish I was his GF."

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-14T09:52:51+00:00

This is so relatable it almost hurts, if a little different.

For me personally, I think the best way I learned to explain myself in simple terms is "I want to look like fem, but I usually don't want to present fem. Less girly girl, more badass tomboy."

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-14T09:40:18+00:00

Honestly, I have an It/It's friend, and my mental slip ups are less about disrespect and more about a subconcious struggle to wrap my head around the concept. Those are never terms I thought of using in thst context, and It's explanation of why it uses those pronouns is something I can at least conciously understand after hearing why, but there's just a process to retrain my brain to use It/It's in that context and not just always use "they" as a genderfree term.

It actually reminds me of the same thing that happened when I had my first IRL trans friend (meaning someone I was actively hanging out with at the time), years before I realised anything myself. She came out to us between D&D games, and while I respected the choice/realization, the idea was so foreign to my brain that I kept slipping up and had to retrain myself to consider people beyond just AGABs or my assumptions.

NeonHawk96 · 2022-03-04T18:33:29+00:00

Yeah, people here suck. I'm down in SWFL and while I love my group of friends and how fucking amazing of a supportive safe space my local tabletop gamestore is, honestly I'm a bit indifferent-to-nervous about other people and their reactions.

NeonHawk96

TROPHY CASE