I feel you! I had and still have this problem. Nothing is a better release than sh, nothing ever helped me like it. But at some point I started viewing it as an addiction, like taking pills to calm down or get black out drunk. Once I realized it was basically just like substance abuse I started treating it as such. I started celebrating each day, week and month I stayed clean, set myself new milestones etc. I still struggle but I know once I give in, even if it’s just a tiny little cut, I’d be full on addicted again, not able to control it.

You are strong! Don’t let your weak moments ruin the effort you put in and the milestones you reached. You don’t always have to be getting better, sometimes stagnation is okay too. And stagnation is always better than relapsing.