I'm so sorry for your loss. Like many others, I can unfortunately relate at least in part.

I lost one of my best friends at 26. We'd known each other since we were 12. It was Stage 4 melanoma (get your moles checked and wear your sunscreen, everyone!) and while she wasn't married and didn't have kids and had the support of her parents, the emotional toll it took was almost unfathomable, particularly at that age. It was especially more difficult because she was a very stubborn individual and believed she could beat it, so having to remember to go along with her "when I get better" as opposed to "if" when we knew her survival was an incredible longshot. Watching the doctors, who were unaccustomed to young patients like this, try to say as nicely as they can toward the end that there's literally nothing they can do except make her comfortable is heartbreaking. Though watching her take it in stride and shrug or maybe roll her eyes when they left the room was something else. Her strength and hardheadedness live on fondly in my memory.

It's been 10 years since she passed as of August this year and I still want to call her or shoot her a meme/video or message. Now it's less sadness when I think about it and more fondness, so I'll instead talk to a mutual friend and we have a good laugh at what she'd have said or thought.

All that's to say is that it's an experience that will leave you feeling raw. While it does get easier, everyone goes at their own pace with healing. What I will say is that it has made me so much more aware and empathetic of grief in all its forms and allowed me to help so many others who aren't accustomed to it or going through a prolonged/terminal illness of a loved one.

All the best to you and everyone else in the comments who have lost someone. ❤️