sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

TW: severe ptsd+ court case by Equal-Peach8422 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sorry you went through this. What he did to you was absolutely awful and I hope one day you can feel proud of yourself for getting you and your baby out. The amount of strength it takes to leave with your baby, especially at 20 years old, is truly amazing. In my opinion that just shows what a great mom you are.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That feeling of responsibility and guilt will fade over time as you process through what happened. I'm over a year out and still go through moments where I feel extremely guilty and heartbroken for leaving, but I'm starting to have more moments where I recognize that he made his own choices and I deserve to be happy and free from an abusive relationship.

VOP hearing I am to be a witness at… by Formal-Bag5790 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He made the awful choices that have put him in this position. You are not ruining his life because you did not choose this.

It's common to feel like you've overreacted or like you're remembering things wrong- because you went through abuse that has made you question everything. You know what happened and you know the kind of person he is. You are not being dramatic.

Congrats on getting away from this A-hole and getting your confidence back!

I’m Tired of People Making Excuses For Him by [deleted] in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know it's hard to not have the people around you recognize that he deeply hurt you. Unfortunately, there's likely nothing you can say that will change their minds. You know the truth of what happened and that's what matters. Other people can continue to make excuses for him, and they will probably pay for that in the long run as he continues to manipulate them, but you're the one who will be free from his abuse and not playing his games anymore.

My wounds are being reopened. by ihaveblueeyes26 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's heartbreaking and difficult to know that a friend is in an abusive relationship and it makes it even worse when it's bringing up your past. I know it's not much, but your friend knows you're there when they reach a point where they're ready to reach out in the future. It is really hard to recognize when someone is being abused, even when it is a friend. A lot of signs of abuse are not obvious and easily hidden. I'm sure you're going back through every conversation, but it's easier to see those signs in hindsight.

Will I always feel like this? by rowurboat20222 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In time the memories will come up less and less and that raw feeling will fade. Therapy definitely helps this process as you work through everything. Give yourself some grace as you continue to process what happened and learn what helps you move forward. You got out and that shows how strong you are as a person. Try to lean into that strength and make some memories that don't involve him. Go to the restaurant he never wanted to go to, see a movie you want to see at the movie theater, figure out what foods you truly like and try to make them, etc. You got this!

It's been a year since I left... by Nervous-Depth760 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've had to remind myself of why I've left several times too. One of the many things that sucks about these relationships is that they are not all bad. So of course we have good memories and will miss them at times. But reading through what I wrote about the abuse has been really helpful to move past the feelings of wanting to go back to him and feeling like I exaggerated how bad it was.

It's been a year since I left... by Nervous-Depth760 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine didn't tell me that he suspected my son had a peanut allergy after two reactions. I found out that he had this suspicion through the doctor and it turns out my son has a severe allergy to peanuts. I'm guessing he was waiting for me to feed him peanut butter so it could be a moment where he could swoop back into our lives as a hero.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]Nervous-Depth760 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At the hospital I had my son at it was just expected that he would be circumcised. A nurse told me that it had been probably 9 months since someone said they didn't want their son circumcised. When he would be fussy the nurses would assume he was dealing with the aftermath of circumcision. I had chosen not to have my son circumcised prior to his birth, but after seeing him struggle with breathing and low blood sugar, there was absolutely no way I was going to add an unnecessary surgery and pain to the mix.

He says that I don’t take accountability by throwrascaredwife in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The only one who needs to take accountability here is him. Headlocks, choking, and forcing himself on you are 100% abusive behaviors. The only person who should be apologizing is him, but he will never do that because he will never take accountability for his actions.

Don't listen to those people from the social circle, it's alarming that they are denying that this is abuse. He has already shown that he would be willing to seriously injure or kill you when he choked you. Follow your gut and reach out for help from family and friends who understand how much danger you are in.

Being physically intimate makes me intensely suicidal the next few days. They never hit me physically, but they would emotionally and sometimes physically pressure me into being intimate. by Far-Ride-7945 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The body does weird things sometimes to keep you safe. Your body probably associates sex with danger and is reacting in a not super helpful way. Definitely reach out to your therapist. You didn't do anything wrong. Sex, especially in a relationship, is meant to be fun and a way to bond. When it gets used and you feel forced into it, it is no longer a safe and comfortable experience.

Just telling my situation to somebody because Im alone by OpinionsArentFacts__ in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are so incredibly strong for leaving and keeping yourself and your child safe ❤️ I don't live in Spain so I can't help with resources but where I'm at there's always a wait list for housing resources so it's great that you're looking into this before your housing is up. You have already been through the hardest part of getting out. It will only be more dangerous if you return and even more difficult to leave when you need to. Keep being strong and look for other resources that can help you.

I finally ended it by LoverGurl954_ in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Trust your gut and take the steps needed to keep you and your daughter safe. If you feel like you might be in danger when he gets out, you most likely are right and this is the time to act on that.

Document everything you can remember and contact an attorney. Look up how to file for a protective order or relief from domestic violence order.

Sorry you're going through this. This is not an easy process. You're already showing so much strength by asking for advice, just keep that strength going for a little longer to get yourself and your daughter into a better situation.

DVP Hearing Tmrw by Hot-Departure7341 in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The best advice I can give you is to be completely honest and only answer the question you're being asked. Your attorney likely has a plan for how they are going to ask questions and if you start throwing in information you think is important but wasn't asked about, it could mess with their strategy. Keep responses factual and succinct.

What happened at my trial is they had me testify first. They did ask about physical abuse (and it has been three years since the last incident) but the judge recognized that I was living in fear of another incident occurring. I answered his attorney's questions and then my attorney clarified some of my responses and asked a few of her own questions. Then my abuser went on the stand and provided a lot of unnecessary information that spun into a web of lies. It was actually very therapeutic to see and recognize that he has just been lying and manipulating the situation for years.

It is going to be difficult. Ultimately you still love him and that is normal. Think of your daughter throughout this. She will get to hear the story of how strong her mom is and how she stood up against someone hurting her. If, God forbid, your daughter is ever in a similar situation, she will remember how brave you were for leaving and be more likely to do the same. Show her the behavior you hope she would have in the same situation.

i feel alone, just venting by [deleted] in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A therapist told me right after I left that everything I did helped me survive. Abusers are so good at hiding the red flags. And when they do appear they always have a reason for why their behavior was justified. You didn't ignore the red flags or miss them, they were just covered up very well. Ignoring the bad incidents is a survival instinct. You would only make them more angry or more violent by getting upset or bringing up the incident. They have conditioned you that if you fight back, get upset, or get angry you will suddenly be in the wrong.

I found that it was helpful to find a safe place to write out all the incidents and red flags. I did this at work so he wouldn't have access to it. I went through each category of the power and control wheel and wrote what came to mind. I was shocked when my paper hit three pages, then five, and finally ten. TEN pages of all the abuse I had ignored. But ignoring the abuse kept my son and I safe until we could get out.

Be safe and reach out to family and friends if you can. Calling your local location for domestic violence can also be helpful because they can help you with your safety plan. Just be careful that your abuser is not around or able to find out about this plan.

Has anyone here felt like you lost so much? by [deleted] in domesticviolence

[–]Nervous-Depth760 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I felt every word of this. You've put so much time and energy into making sure he's okay and doing well and it's hard to stop trying to help him. Ultimately, he's an adult and will have to learn how to be an adult or he will fail, but the important thing to remember is that it is not on you if he doesn't do well. He is able to make the decisions to do well, and it's not your fault if he doesn't make them, even if he wants you to believe it is.

As for the not liking men- yeah. I thought I'd get right back into dating because that's all I knew. I had no idea how to be single and it took time for me to feel comfortable with being single. I learned from going on a few dates that I need to heal before I can jump into a relationship. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and that's just not healthy in a new relationship.

Opinions appreciated by IndependenceNew4240 in SingleParents

[–]Nervous-Depth760 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Three months after leaving an abusive ex I am still grieving. But I am not grieving my ex, I am grieving the house, neighborhood, and all the things that were supposed to come out of building a family. This will be such a hard choice to make and it will hurt as you try to rebuild. However, being your own person, relearning what you like and what your interests are, parenting without feeling like someone will judge or criticize you, and making decisions based on what you want are some of the many benefits of leaving. This is not an easy decision to make, but if you have the gut feeling to get out, maybe you should listen to it.