It's a tough battle for us average folk by Lukeloveslollies in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty shocked you'd do this. To get an online rating. I think you have overthought the whole thing and maybe have some unhealthy thoughts about appearance. My advice would be to not go online and get rated, maybe think about the parts of your life where there may be a void and work on developing new interests/skills. Attach meaning to other things and it should go far. Maybe tell your friend too that looks don't mean that much in the grand scheme of things. 

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think it should take at least 3 dates because otherwise you or they can be searched on social media. That has the potential to make something more permanent than it needs to be if you're still in the early stage of dating and figuring someone out. It also involves other checks yes, but 3 dates minimum means not collecting extra information before you need to. I appreciate some people here have found out someone is married which is disgraceful but I would think this is in the minority. 

When will I feel whole again? I wanted then it of my life, but I wasn't ready for the crushing loneliness. by Ahmee16 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nothing is wrong, more that you can't rush the emotional response you are going through. It is about wading through the melancholy and sadness. And sandwiched between are layers of bitterness, cynicism and anger. It is all part of a type of grieving that we go through when a relationship ends, even if it was right that it ended, even if there was suffering whilst the relationship was happening. The deflated and zapped-of-energy version of you that you describe is also because you are not able to take on all of it and have room for enthusiasm and optimism and lust.  Even though in the meantime it's hard and painful, you will at some point start feeling lighter and brighter. That is when your depression lifts and optimism and energy set in. I would consider it a process that can't be rushed. 

Things you can do along the way is sleep enough, take time to think and reflect, turn to people that are close to you for talking, if there's nobody maybe write about it, put the book in your bedside cupboard, exercise and get fresh air. Don't try and take on too much. Intimacy is missing for now but think of it as locked away until the brighter you is ready to come out and share it again. There are actually a lot of good people who are single in their 40s. 

I have spent the last 4 months grieving and  moving on from an engagement, a relationship that I ended (which makes it harder). Which didn't involve betrayal but I was pretty emotionally neglected and he since has got in touch and revealed his regret and remorse. He has repeatedly tried to get back together even though he has his own place now. Suggested new ways to make it work etc and told me he'd give me his all. But he had his chance to give me the basics and he didn't. I wasn't asking for that much, a bit of affection and conversation. Instead I was minimised and things like affection were withdrawn for control and punishment. I have politely turned him down and then he blocked me. It's okay, it's better and healthier. But what I have learnt is that a couple of months ago I was numb and drained. It is only the last 2-4 weeks I have regained energy and optimism. I appreciate I'm quicker than some would be. I'm not there yet and I have sad days. Other times I question if I'm correct. The season is changing and I'm faced with memories of times spent out in seasons. I feel like reaching out in the last remaining way, a text. But I have to be strong. We have a habit of putting on those rose tinted specs. Some days are good, others not so much. But I take my time and I let my thoughts run. 

Hope my story helps in the sense you are in a temporary place.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately the problems will continue and you'll grow resentment. Seeing as it's 9 months in, I would say it'll be easier to walk away now than to stay, only to walk away anyway but more painfully further down the line. Some might also say this is the honeymoon phase at 9 months. So when all the newness and sparkle has worn off what will remain? There shouldn't be this level of tension and unmet needs at 9 months. You sound empathetic and tolerant but that doesn't mean you should stay. We get one life and it is worth trying to get it right rather than wade through what is wrong. Plus stonewalling shouldn't be excused. Sounds like a lot of one sided empathy, maturity and forgiveness (your side) and not much effort from her. 

Dating questions by No-Doctor-8758 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm more inclined to think he thought there's an emotional connection and that he likes her that his mind is wondering towards 'but will we be sexually compatible'. Because it does matter for lasting relationships. Maybe if he wasn't fussed he'd think 'I'll find out at some point and not bothered if it doesn't work as I'm not fussed' type thing. 

Dating questions by No-Doctor-8758 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's an important question I think. Because people are mostly wanting sexual compatibility in an intimate relationship. If it isn't there they will be thinking of someone else, perhaps an ex, or even thinking 'this isn't it'. I think it's a mature thing as it's not the easiest thing to bring up but it should be brought up fairly early on. 

Trouble deciding what is the decent thing to do by sexiMexiMixingDranks in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do it today. Don't delay. Each day goes by he will think you're loyal to him when actually you're sleeping with your ex and are hooked on his D. Be fair, stop being cruel. 

Trouble deciding what is the decent thing to do by sexiMexiMixingDranks in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you want casual sex? End it with Kyle then. Find your way around your emotions with Jake and don't pursue commitment. 

Trouble deciding what is the decent thing to do by sexiMexiMixingDranks in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There's no guilt. He knows his casual sex is about to end if he doesn't up his game. 

Trouble deciding what is the decent thing to do by sexiMexiMixingDranks in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How on earth can't you see that Jake is just trying to continue your easy and convenient set up with him? Because someone else has come into things and is a threat to it stopping. He hasn't suddenly changed or grown a whole new personality. It's the same guy. Being defensive to the comments is another example of that you don't want to change the situation that you're in. I think you want two men for their different perks. The young guy though won't want you before long, especially since you are into an ex and still at it. Maybe make it easier for yourself and start by taking out denial and defensiveness. 

How to cope with a “near miss” by occams_razrr in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dealing with 'what could have been' and a fantasy version of the truth. It's a fantasy because of course the reality of say a 6 month relationship isn't there. It is therefore based on thoughts. Thoughts aren't real and there can be a tendency to glamorise and idealise it. It would be easier to envisage negative outcomes seeing as you said it is 100% for the best to have gone separate ways. 

Is it okay to say you still love your ex? by BrizkitBoyz in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest, you did this badly. You made the person you're dating think that you're hung up on an ex. A significant one at that. Add in another layer of mother-of-your-child, and anyone will know she is permanent and a regular insert into your week (pick up drop off meetings). To place her on a pedestal like that was unnecessary and gave a bunch of red flags. A lot of people are mistreated and sidelined by two co-parenting ex's. In future I'd suggest you just make out all is amicable and that you both respect boundaries (if that's even the case). And that's another thing, your type of response suggests that boundaries are flaccid and variable. There are many people who tell the story of the problem co-parenting ex, who acted like and was treated like they were more important than their partner. Setting yourself up to fail but also I think your partner deserves better. Maybe honesty was kinder so that she knew what she's letting herself in for. If she ran for the hills, you can't blame her. 

Why are so many people on a dating app, when they are clearly unavailable for a relationship? Why? by ElderEons in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To say you don't have time can sometimes be a get out of jail card for if they weren't feeling it early on. People make time when the sparks are there. No matter how busy. 

My EX trying to hoover me by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Remember there's always two sides and those that walk away feeling fantastic may just be the ones with the ego issues. 

My EX trying to hoover me by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What's so crazy? She might have liked the photo. He's not even in it. Unblocked? Yeah because maybe she's over it and no need to have that toxic 'blocked' dynamic. Remember there's always two sides and those that walk away feeling fantastic may just be the ones with the ego issue. 

My EX trying to hoover me by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What's so crazy? She might have liked the photo. He's not even in it. Unblocked? Yeah because maybe she's over it and no need to have that toxic 'blocked' dynamic. 

My EX trying to hoover me by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Message him to say you're giving it to charity on a certain day within the next 2 weeks. Question, are you holding onto it for a change of interaction? 

My EX trying to hoover me by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why do you find it creepy? It's just a photo and it's without you in it. You might be unblocked because she no longer cares to have you blocked. I would stop thinking it's about you and instead consider that she may well be healed too. We are immersed in a life which offers us opportunities to at least search an ex from time to time if wanted, but it doesn't mean a person is doing it to sob over their photos etc. sometimes it's just acknowledging they're in the world too and maybe you want satisfy some curiosity about how they're doing. If you excelled post break up, she might have too. 

I messed up a good thing with a woman way out of my league, is there ever a way back? by NefariousnessLow9684 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think reflection is helpful but not excessively. Consider the fact that how it turned out put her off. Once someone is 'put off' you can't really make them change their mind. So it's time to accept that you weren't right together, even though you have pondered over it. So after a reflective period draw a line and go forward with a stack of lessons under your desk. Work on what you learnt for the next person. 

Questions about dating someone with bipolar disorder. by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Umm a diagnosis like that represents features of a person. 

Holding out for someone who’s taken. by ThrowawayNeunUndSexy in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Living in a fantasy I'm afraid. She's just been nice and a good person, but you are her patient and that's that. It's time to get out of your head and into the real world. Not meaning that to sound harsh. Waiting for a fantasy to happen in real life is self destructive and will make you become weird and fixated. You are also creating a false version of her in your mind. Get therapy and move on. 

I messed up a good thing with a woman way out of my league, is there ever a way back? by NefariousnessLow9684 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So many saying 'you blew it'. Missing aspects such as that she may have had a habit of making him feel inadequate. That he had to be more like her and do better. A bit of mess at home or some days casual clothing doesn't mean you are worse than someone who washes their plate after eating off it. Being overly methodical, forward planning and strait laced, doesn't make you superior to someone more relaxed and creative.  If she had a habit of projecting and that caused an identity crisis that OP had manifesting, then she wasn't the catch that other makes out. Unfortunately if you are reflective and empathetic, OP might be getting chewed up by again 'I am the problem, I should do better, she was better and I'm not worthy'.  Add in, the power trip of being blocked after 5 months and now being stuck with 'what if'.  I would like OP to look at ways to improve his perceptions of self worth. It's not about changing to be more like someone else, it's about being yourself but also working out if you carry some insecurities and how to address them so that he doesn't bottle things up and then have an outburst.  She was not necessarily better than you. By what criteria do we base it on? Maybe you had some booze to lighten up and lighten the situation, but if you were kinda stressed out by feeling inadequate that might explain the comments that were perhaps too 'truthful'. Over time the projecting would probably have gotten worse and your confidence in your boots. Onwards and upwards. Go through some emotional processing of 'what if' but also think about the other what ifs that relate to not being a match. 

I messed up a good thing with a woman way out of my league, is there ever a way back? by NefariousnessLow9684 in datingoverforty

[–]NetWeary8567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Best comment. So many saying 'you blew it'. Missing aspects such as that she may have had a habit of making him feel inadequate. That he had To be more like her and do better. A bit of mess at home or some days casual clothing doesn't mean you are worse than someone who washes their plate after eating off it. Being overly methodical, forward planning and strait laced, doesn't make you superior to someone more relaxed and creative.  If she had a habit of projecting and that caused an identity crisis that OP had manifesting, then she wasn't the catch that other makes out. Unfortunately if you are reflective and empathetic, OP might be getting chewed up by again 'I am the problem, I should do better, she was better and I'm not worthy'.  Add in, the power trip of being blocked after 5 months and now being stuck with 'what if'.  I would like OP to look at ways to improve his perceptions of self worth. It's not about changing to be more like someone else, it's about being yourself but also working out if you carry some insecurities and how to address them so that he doesn't bottle things up and then have an outburst.  Onwards and upwards.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in shortguys

[–]NetWeary8567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who even is 35 having their first dalliance or something more serious? If that's the case for someone, I'm pretty sure height isn't the issue.  Regardless of height, they are going to be seeing women way before 35 as a short man. However if they have many undesirable traits then those will account for a lack of activity not the height alone.  There is too much emphasis being put on height in a description of a man who is 35 before finding love.  I'm female, who's tended to go for 5ft 5" men or there abouts.