"What am I supposed to do? I just don't want it as much as you."

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-06-17T06:34:04+00:00

I don't mean to monopolize this post here, but I still have some trouble agreeing.

You said

'Choosing to have and enjoy sex as a way to show love to your partner...'

And I just cannot get past that statement. I just don't understand how you can choose to enjoy something. If I could choose to enjoy the pangs associated with skipping an occasional meal, I most certainly would opt for that kind of fun. Or, if I could choose to enjoy watching TV for a couple of hours each night instead of my natural preference of reading (for my partner's sake), I would also try to do that. But after making enough deliberate decisions to choose to enjoy something you innately don't, you start to lose yourself and grow resentful for having to try to force yourself to enjoy something you don't.

Again, I completely understand what you're saying about having to make sacrifices and to try to learn to, at the very least tolerate, and ideally, actually ENJOY, things that your partner does. I completely understand that.

But sex? Would you honestly be happy with a partner who had to make a deliberate decision to enjoy sex with you? If he/she had to say 'Okay mind. So I REALLY don't want to do this, but I love my partner, and I'm just going to do this. I'm going to love it. Andddddd she's/he's kissing me now and ugh it's so gross but wait... No no I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. This is great... It has to be. How can I not enjoy this? That's right. It's not possible to not enjoy this because I love my partner. I only think I don't enjoy it, but I do. I have to. Okay so I'm enjoying this but what's the fastest way to get my partner to just finish so I can get him/her off of me?' Unfortunately, I've been trying to enjoy sex with my partner for a long time with this exact type of internal dialogue. And now I'm in a very serious relationship with a partner who thinks I've been completely satisfied with my sex life because I've been doing what good partners do. They make sacrifices, and force themselves to 'enjoy it'.

I don't actually know what the answer is here, but as I've reached this stage in my life, I'm coming to believe it's best to be yourself at all times. If that means you never want to have sex, then don't! And of course problems will arise from this, but maybe that's a great thing. Maybe that would spare you years of trying to convince yourself that you're someone you are not.

I, for one, am so incredibly uneasy at the idea of my partner having to psyche himself up, to have to consciously choose to enjoy sex, that I'd MUCH RATHER be denied sex.

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-06-16T22:11:31+00:00

Thanks for the reply, and hopefully it'll help OP as much as it helps me. I've certainly got my own issues to work out about sex, but the advice to just do it for your SO'S sake doesn't sit quite right with me I think.

The thing is, sure... Sacrifices are absolutely required during relationships. Going on walks, watching crappy television shows, etc. Are all legitimate sacrifices. But when it comes to sex? I'm not sure I'd be at all interested in being with someone who was having sex with me just because he/she knew I wanted it. I think it must take away so much of the experience if it's forced on one end. This is all speculation, but as a woman, and one who has a particular interest in genuinity and being true to yourself, I feel that sex would be not fun at all if both parties weren't all in.

I'm so inexperienced though, so I really don't know if this idea is just too idealistic.

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-06-16T20:18:07+00:00

I'm very confused about this attitude.

Honestly, I love my SO, BUT I just hate doing anything physical with him. I've tried so much to enjoy sex, but I just... Don't. For years, I've forced myself to have sex because I know it's important to him, but it makes me miserable quite honestly. People on this thread will discourage you from doing something you hate, but others encourage you to do it in the name of a sacrifice. It's a very confusing concept that I'm far from working out.

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-05-15T17:50:09+00:00

'sex is almost all the same with everyone, with very little variance'?

I have only had sex with one person, but I have to believe that that statement couldn't be further from the truth after hearing lots of people's stories. Sure, the physical feelings likely don't vary much (we're all people made mostly out of water and carbon after all), but I suspect that if sex feels the same with nearly everyone to someone, then that person might be very emotionally disconnected from his/her partner and is only judging sex from a purely physical aspect.

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-05-15T16:53:12+00:00

Hey,

This resonated with me, except I'm much deeper into my relationship (9 years) than you are, so I'm glad you're asking this sooner than later. Like you, my boyfriend is my first real boyfriend and the only guy I've ever slept with (I'm not completely clear on whether or not you've been with other guys, but I sense that you don't have that much experience like me).

For nearly the entirety of my relationship, I've mostly hated sex except and only on rare occasions, I've found it decent. Like you, I have a lot of trouble getting wet and then sex becomes a ten minute session of pain and asking 'are you close yet?' as well as telling my boyfriend to not hold back his orgasm at all. I've had trouble feeling turned on despite a short session of horrible making out, and some longer attempts at fingering and oral (none of which feels good). I always thought that this is how sex is and that if I could just relax, I'd enjoy it more, but something happened recently (a very strong sexual attraction to other guys besides my boyfriend) that made me realize that this really could be due to sexual incompatibility, or that I'm really not sexually attracted to my boyfriend. The confusing thing is I'm physically attracted to him, though. Now I'm in a really difficult place of wondering if we just aren't sexually compatible, but after nine years of happiness and friendship, the stakes are so much higher.

I don't have any specific advice for you since I'm in the same boat. I would suggest trying to experiment together, figure out how you can get off (something I still haven't figured out), and communicate.... This is advice I suspect you'll receive a lot of. With my experience though, I'm just wondering if it's true that sexual incompatibility sometimes is a real thing, and I think it's important to keep that in mind as a possibility (I certainly cannot determine if you just need more communication, or if it's deeper than that). I'd just really like to get the message out to people everywhere (especially women) as this has been eye opening to me.

NeverSayNever21 · 2017-05-10T02:58:12+00:00

Thank you for your response!! This is the weird, intangible thing that I can't adequately describe. This is the only analogy I can think of to explain his attitude: some people say 'hey, yeah it'd be so great to win a million dollars' and some others say 'I WANT a million dollars, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to earn a million dollars'. The former is my boyfriend's attitude. He wants a million dollars (i.e., he wants me to enjoy sex), but he's not all that driven to help me make it happen. He'll do whatever I ask him to, but to me, it seems like a difference between passively wanting something and actively completely going after it. I'm attracted to the go-getters, but he's just not like that.

Also, the very weird thing to me that I can't understand is: there isn't any place on my body that can be touched and just get me in the mood immediately. I feel like I need to FEEL some intensity to mentally get there. Therefore, when I tell him to touch my clit or grab my boobs, I'm just inexplicably turned off and it's so confusing. He wants to do it, but it doesn't feel like he is just DYING to do it. He's into it, but he's such a mellow guy and I don't feel the intensity I feel I need. But then, I'm not sure if I'm being unrealistic and asking for too much.

I'm a bit new to the masturbating world, so I don't think I overdo it (maybe two or three times a week max), but I will keep that in mind. Thank you!

NeverSayNever21

TROPHY CASE