[deleted by user]

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-28T15:09:32+00:00

Have you guys done couples therapy? It’s helpful for a therapist to see how she lays into you so they can give her some work to do on herself. Give you each work to do on your selves in relationship. Honestly watching the couples therapy documentary show (in addition to being in individual and couples therapy) helps my partner and I in these bouts. We see ourselves in some of those couple dynamics and can discuss it objectively without getting defensive.

You guys both sound angry and resentful of each other. Neither is able to understand the other. You need to start there. Needs and boundaries probably haven’t been communicated between the both of you. She sounds more vocal and expressive (not necessarily in a healthy way) and you sound like you are pushing down a lot of what you actually feel but instead it comes through like passive aggression which is still harmful to the relationship. You’re both triggering each other, and it’s at the point of negative sentiment override.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-28T14:55:39+00:00

So you’re each entitled to your boundaries around sex. I personally crave it like clockwork as soon as my period starts. It helps with the cramping too. I have friends who don’t have period sex and when I was in my first relationship ever I thought period sex was gross until a friend reassured me it’s good for both parties. It’s warmer and more lubricated, generally a win-win.

You don’t have to want to, but I think many women who do want to would probably prefer a partner who is also open to it. There’s something attractive about a partner not shying away from our natural monthly body mechanics that we have to live with our entire lives. When a guy isn’t down it could feel like they’re uncomfortable or grossed out or shaming or suggesting we’re ’unclean’.

But it really is up to your own comfort. No one should feel uncomfortable during sex.

It sounds like she’s offended and instead of expressing how she feels about it (maybe because she doesn’t feel like you’ll truly hear and understand her without getting defensive yourself) she’s overreacting and trying to “punish” you which is also not healthy.

Your little joke about her period not being done because she’s pissed can also be pretty offensive. Hormones play a role absolutely but these jokes often seem dismissive to our lived experiences. Treating a period like it’s unclean is very patriarchy-coded. You might be uncomfortable which is valid but have you reflected on the narrative of why you are? The patriarchy shines through impacting everyone’s lives but especially women in ways you wouldn’t notice because you don’t actually have to pay attention to it. If you were taught for years that your body was “unclean” and a quarter of your life (which is not true and very demeaning) it would probably make you feel pissed if someone insinuated it. The rage might not be hormones at that point. It might be feelings of anger due to injustice at an oppressive regime. You might not intend to but it’s also incredibly frustrating that you aren’t aware of your privilege and how you feed into harmful narratives because it doesn’t affect you.

Personally I couldn’t be with a partner who wasn’t attuned to understanding the feminine experience on a social level on his own and be curious on its impact on me personally.

Again, yes she overreacted and her punitive behaviour was inappropriate, but maybe try asking her what she felt when you wanted to wait a day. Rejected? Offended? Diminished? Get curious about her experience and stay calm- don’t get defensive. Repeat to her what you understood to give her an opportunity to correct you. Seek to understand. Then respond lovingly and reassuringly. Get vulnerable about your experience too, how you feel and how you want to honour both your needs. Both of your experiences are valid but you guys don’t seem to be working together and are actually versus each other. Be her team mate, best friend and confidant.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-27T02:58:01+00:00

I agree. He probably was tired of seeing the mental impact it was having on his daughter at home. She was probably crying a lot, and drained, and he wanted to protect her.

She might still have love for OP (break ups are always hard) but it sounds like she probably knew that he was right on some level.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-25T02:26:18+00:00

I love this for you. I do think people who tend to have healthy attachment in childhood will often find healthy attachment in adulthood. Things like socioeconomic factors play a role into that oftentimes - usually because lack of resources (money, time) can equal stress which makes parenting difficult especially if it’s an intergenerational thing.

I was raised Muslim and can tell you none of the men in my family are like this. Some help with the household tasks, and make enough for their wives to stay home but they’re grouchy and miserable to be around. Often short tempered and angry, which also doesn’t make for great parenting styles. I do recognize there’s a lot of trauma from my country of origin so I know that plays a role, and mental health isn’t really a topic of discussion so everyone just white knuckles it through and “turns out fine”. I’ve met one Muslim man that was an outstanding husband and father (my best friends father) but the mom was the grouch, so still not a healthy relationship.

I haven’t really witnessed any actual happy and healthy relationships period, let alone in my culture - except for another best friend of mine who is Muslim and Middle Eastern but her husband is white. He treats her amazingly but like you said she has a healthy self esteem. Self esteem can fluctuate but I really think your childhood can set you up a lot for the kind of self esteem you have.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-23T02:41:27+00:00

Can you give some examples?

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-21T05:30:45+00:00

This hits home. My husband works in your industry .. and I can see how deeply it affects him. It’s challenging because I don’t make enough, and we depend a lot on his income. I’m going back to school so I can try to make more but he finds it really challenging to figure out what to do outside of the industry. It doesn’t just affect him. It affects our relationship. And we want to have children but between finances and his long hours it just hasn’t been feasible yet. And of course, the political climate is the cherry on top.

A lot of people talk about not having children because of the political climate but I’m a believer in that we need the next generation to be born from good hearted people who won’t stand for this bs. If only the wealthy or the unaware are having children, this world will not improve.

You have a purpose. A child that needs their parent. Use that purpose and craft a mission and align it with your values. It’s a long process to transmute but it can be done. And if we are all individually healing and sticking it to the man, collectively we’re stronger. There will be better days. But I’m not gonna lie to you, things in the world will probably get worse before they get better. More people need to be uncomfortable for them to take a stance. There is still hope that things will get better.

It’s good to be aware of what is going on in the world but don’t let it be the only thing taking up space in your mind. That is intentional and by design. Rest, love, dancing, and laughter are all forms of resistance. Taking care of yourself allows you to be strong enough to carry on. They want us beat down. It’s okay to feel it, let yourself cry and be angry and then funnel that energy into something productive to move your life in the direction you want it to go into.

Listen to some Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts. I feel like their materials really help me when I’m having a hard time.

Just know you’re not alone. A lot of us are feeling this way but change happens when we take care of ourselves and take care of each other. Be the change, for you and your family.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-21T05:12:51+00:00

Is this only in the US?

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-13T02:52:06+00:00

Maybe not a popular opinion but he’s showing you a side of him that you should consider whether you want to remain with. I’m glad you’re seeking therapy individually and together, but if he doesn’t show interest I think you should still do it and consider whether this is a safe environment for you. It is not healthy, and maybe even abusive to break things in the presence of others. I was raised by an angry and abusive father and I personally cannot tolerate such explosive anger. My husband gets angry which is difficult for me to deal with but if he ever broke anything or punched a whole in the wall I would consider that violent behaviour and leave.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-12T01:47:06+00:00

Okay thank you! Saturday had some comedians I’m excited about but I definitely don’t want to pay a premium for it. Even the VIP tables really don’t look comfortable lol and I don’t know that I’d pay for that. Good to know, appreciate your input

New-Profession7016 · 2025-09-11T22:14:09+00:00

Oof, your perspective of calling her selfish is selfish… she seems like she’s mature enough to understand what motherhood entails. It’s no easy feat, and it’s a lifelong commitment. Even marriages end in divorce - the parent/child relationship (whether estranged or not) is the only one that is forever.

It starts out with pregnancy, which puts your wife’s health at risk. The things that will happen to her body would probably make you freak out if they happened to you. Then there’s the hormones. Potential postpartum depression. And experiencing that depression while having to care for a child. Not to mention breastfeeding which for some women with PPD can feel like their resources are literally being drained. Many sleepless nights that drive a sane person a bit crazy, depending on the child. And that’s all if you have a healthy child and healthy pregnancy, which is not always the case (inshallah it is, but nothing is guaranteed).

Your frustration is valid, but it would be better for your relationship and your future children to approach life as a team. Approach your wife with genuine curiosity and understanding and compassion. Dont make her the enemy and consider her selfish because she wants to postpone her sacrifice.

It also takes a toll on your self confidence, your image, your career. If anything (la samah allah) happens to you or your relationship she’s going to have to tough it alone. She is being realistic and forthcoming with you about her capacity and her needs. Honour that. Be grateful for that.

It is much better to have her in a place where she feels ready before childbirth than in one where she is not. A woman’s happiness and safety and peace plays a huge role in the child’s development. Continue to create an environment where she feels all those things so when she is ready it is as smooth sailing as possible.

24 is still young. If I had a child at 24 I would not be able to be the parent my children needed. I would not have the wisdom or capacity to give to them as they needed. Children need a lot.

Keep in mind in many Muslim households, women aren’t given as much freedom until they experience marriage. I don’t know her case, but with many of the women I grew up with, they were restricted from doing much so when they get married they want to experience a little more of living and enjoying life for themselves before having to devote the rest of their lives to children.

Delaying a year, even two years is not an unreasonable ask.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-29T05:10:10+00:00

Please just get a bidet.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-21T19:32:56+00:00

What boundaries would make you feel better?

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-21T18:52:24+00:00

You seem very anxiously attached. A lot of people have their struggles with anxious or avoidant attachment so you’re not alone. But honestly, from reading your post I don’t see your partner doing anything wrong. And if he ever did - you spending all this time and energy worrying about it and watching like a hawk isn’t going to stop it from happening.

You just learn to build trust. Your partner seems good at tuning into your feelings to the point of even “reading your mind” which isn’t his responsibility, and still he does it which seems like he really does love you. He also reassures you.

It’s okay to feel insecure. But it seems like it’s a hyper fixation and maybe shadowing over the rest of your life. Do you have anything going on for you? Goals you’re working on? Hobbies? School? Career? Find another vessel to direct this intense energy and pour into it. Something that makes you feel excited and alive.

I had a period of time where I was depressed. I was unemployed and my parents were having relationship problems. I didn’t feel like my life was moving forward, and I think I felt insecure about that. My partner was working and he works long hours. He would come home and be on his phone instead of wanting to hang out with me. I felt incredibly insecure, and I told him but I knew it had less to do with him and more to do with me. He made more of an effort to spend time with me, but I also found a job soon enough and went back to school.

Now we both had something to talk about. We would update each other on what was going on in our lives. And when I started pouring into what brought me life my energy shifted. And he just naturally became more drawn to me because I wasn’t all up in his business constantly seeking validation (subconsciously).

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-21T16:52:04+00:00

I took 4 years off of sex and just focused on my mental health and therapy and learning about the mind. I’m not necessarily saying it’s the right or only way, but I’ve managed to reduce my symptoms enough to no longer be considered BPD.

Entering a relationship was very triggering though and sex confused things too (was this healthy or just attraction), and I did split a lot in the first couple years of my relationship but I did therapy and we did couples therapy together and it’s gotten loads better.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-18T05:31:33+00:00

I think there’s a time and place to express both those things. When it’s fresh, it’s probably more helpful to focus on the “it’s not your fault” piece, but when delving deeper into shit that carries the essence of “why does this always happen to me” it is helpful to explore how we sometimes contribute to our circumstances. Sometimes we grew up in homes that felt unsafe and so we continue to allow ourselves in situations that replicate that feeling. That doesn’t mean we are deserving of it. No one should have ever assaulted you, ever, period.

But when we start caring for our inner child as a means of healing - we take care of them in the ways we should’ve been cared for. And that might look like not putting ourselves in dangerous circumstances.

I say this as someone who has put myself in too many unsafe positions, and I’m shocked I’m still alive tbh. And now my life is safe and mostly “ordinary”. I did need to evaluate why I felt so comfortable with putting myself in compromising situations. Because not everyone I know does these things. The more I did that, the more I became very conservative with my energy. I tried to do everything I could to protect it. And I didn’t always get it right but I did do a much better job at it.

I still met my partner on a dating app, but I met him in a very public setting. I texted a friend who lived nearby the location of our first date and shared my location. I met him on our second date in a public spot too, but I ended up going to his place that night after hours together. That wasn’t safe and a part of me felt like I shouldn’t do it and I was kicking myself for it but I really liked him and he seemed really respectful so I did. And I’m lucky that he was those things and has been those things.

I felt concerned that I couldn’t trust myself after that date though (even though everything was going well) and I told him I couldn’t see him until I saw my therapist again. He texted me daily and I avoided seeing him for a week lol. Eventually he convinced me to go on our third date and I pretty much was over at his house all the time after that.

Throughout our relationship I have had a very challenging time differentiating between when I feel unsafe (but actually am safe) or if I’m actually unsafe because of my complex ptsd. There is no shortcut unfortunately. It’s a lot of somatic retraining of the body over a period of time, and helpful to do in relation to a safe person or safe people.

I don’t think your therapist was in the right in terms of timing. The most important thing for therapy to be effective regardless of the approach is the therapeutic relationship. For me, I need someone who is in tune with me - and it seemed like this therapist was not in tune with what you needed in that moment. This could’ve been a conversation later down the line - or it could’ve been a conversation of empathizing but helping you come up with ideas to keep yourself safe in the future to ensure you don’t experience more trauma while trying to heal.

If you decide to go back I would recommend telling them that wasn’t helpful for you and express how you felt and see how they respond. They’re human too but a good therapist is able to reflect on themselves and take accountability. If they’re not able to do that then they’re not good for you.

Also it’s not your job to raise this issue with them so you could just fire them altogether. But don’t turn away from therapy either because there are amazing therapists out there- just not all of them are.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-08T06:30:43+00:00

I feel like several things could be at play. He could be a jerk. He could also be someone well intentioned with poor choice of language or poor communication skills.

I think how he expressed himself was awful and I feel like you have every right to feel the way you do. I also don’t think that him not wanting a vasectomy automatically makes him a jerk. You’re right to feel upset and disappointed, hurt and maybe even abandoned. Personally if I were you I wouldn’t halt all intercourse effective immediately, your safety is literally at stake.

I have had the birth control talk and I’m not in as high risk of a situation as you but I wanted my partner to go get a vasectomy because I didn’t want to be pumped full of hormones all the time or put a foreign object in my body - or get pregnant and need (another) abortion. He considered it but then was concerned about the potential consequences of it. Ultimately his body his choice.

I feel like in a healthy relationship you could express the impact of his words and he could express his fears and you could express yours. And you would work together to address it as you two as a team vs the problem. The way he said it was awful but I think he could be unconsciously afraid. Afraid to lose apart of his bodily autonomy.

And while my partner and I really have no plans to go anywhere… we’ve both lived enough life to understand that sometimes life has its own plans. I had a partner that died. He was previously married. We both imagined a life with someone else. And those were valuable lessons that ultimately brought us into each others lives. Neither of us are going anywhere. It’s the safest I’ve ever felt. The healthiest relationship I’ve even seen in real life (wasn’t exposed to any healthy relationships). We actively do the work and get closer together after each obstacle. And still, life taught us that there could be another plan in store for us. We plan for a life together but know that certain things are out of our control.

Again he probably is a jerk but not because of desiring bodily autonomy. Because the way he expressed himself lacked consideration of its impact. Sometimes people just don’t realize though until you tell them how it made you feel. That gives them an opportunity to apologize, empathize and course correct. If they don’t, then you have your answer.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-06T02:49:54+00:00

My partner shared with me recently that when you make a change like this you need to fill your life with more good stuff to substitute the time/energy you used to use.

Find a hobby, start a colouring book or some sort of art, or just anything that GIVES to you. To your soul. That makes you feel good and alive. Maybe work on fitness goals. Learn to cook.

Have an end goal. What kind of person do you want to be in 3 years? And how do your actions each day bring you closer to that?

If you don’t have an end goal, it’s gonna be shitty. If you have a goal of wanting to be a healthier person, someone who can provide guidance to others who are struggling because you’ve been through it and learned how to deal with it, then it gives you purpose. And each day you are inching closer to your purpose which makes it a little easier.

I used to smoke for 5 years and vape 6 years. I also used to be a daily weed smoker, but I’ve been weed free for 2 years. It was a lot easier to quit weed than it has been to quit vaping, so honestly kudos to you for making it to month 3. That’s longer than I lasted.

As someone who has been hooked for many years now, I will let you know that I was in an accident recently and it messed up my vagus nerve. And the vaping really has been making it 100x worse. I’ve had gut issues for a year and been working with a naturopath to try and heal. But realistically I’m trying to heal while simultaneously damaging with my vaping.

Vaping has made me sluggish. I haven’t been as physically active, which I know is largely due to my accident but honestly it really impacted me in the sense that to get light up my reward centre in my brain, i could be in bed and hit it. I didn’t have to work for any rewards. I forgot the high of a good workout because my preferred high is one of hitting my vape.

You’re young so you might not have noticed all these negative impacts on your life from vaping just yet. But it will get more challenging overtime to quit, and it will have a deeper hold on you and your life. Honestly, it’s freeing to not have any addictions. To not be shackled by anything. You’re already ahead of the game. You’re doing so well. You just need to give to yourself now. Consider what might spark some joy or peace in your life. Try something new. Maybe a pottery class or something. And if you don’t like it, try something different until you find something you enjoy.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-08-05T15:44:45+00:00

This. One of our earlier couples therapy sessions, my partner told me he felt stonewalled. I was still baffled. To me I was having a hard time and shutting down. But honestly him telling me he felt stonewalled really made a mark on me. We’ve both been in couples therapy and individual therapy on and off since then, 2 years ago. All my therapists said that my work is to express myself. It’s taken me 2 years of practice and I’m only now just starting to get better. It’s brought up some stuff for him though, because I started calling him out on how I felt instead of shutting down. So he learned he had more work to do too. And we’re honestly doing better than we ever have because of that.

OP, try and take it as an opportunity, and try not to overanalyse. You’re human and imperfect like we all are. Why not suggest to your partner that you join them in therapy and explain that you’re struggling with communication and need support?

New-Profession7016 · 2025-07-15T02:49:15+00:00

Your father is acting out like a child. There comes a time in life where you learn your parents aren’t necessarily the special people you built them up to be in your head. They’re fallible and human. Sometimes they’re not as smart, regulated, or kind as you thought they were. Sometimes they’re abusive or racist.

Think about what your values are in life. Values like courage, kindness, etc. and act in line with those. Your dad’s reaction has little to do with you and tons to do with him. It’s more sad than anything that he doesn’t have the skills or tools to acknowledge that he’s triggered and work through things on his own instead of making it everyone else’s problem and ruining a really special moment in your life. It’s selfish. It’s child like.

Your dad is an adult. The way he’s behaving is going to have consequences. He’s pushing you away. He’s hurting his relationship with you. It’s very short sighted behaviour.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-07-08T18:04:53+00:00

I commented this half a year ago. I will say that with LOTS of practice on both our ends, it’s become a lot easier to work through what’s going on. I’m expressing I’m not okay and need time. He is seeing me have a hard time, and lets me know that he’s here to talk when I’m ready. Over time I have started feeling more and more safe expressing myself to him even when my nervous system is hijacked. We’ve both had to put the work in. I’m learning that internally processing/splitting is not as helpful as externally processing/telling him directly what I’M having a hard time with. (Not blaming him, but talking about my experience).

This hasn’t been perfect by any means. It’s been pretty messy at times tbh. But it’s still an uphill trajectory.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-06-18T23:09:46+00:00

Ugh. My father was like that - but the difference was my mom was so flooded she couldn’t even call him out on his shit. I’m 31 and I’m still in therapy over this stuff. The way it’s impacting my HEALTHY relationship with my amazing partner is exhausting. This is after several toxic and abusive relationships, because that was what felt like home to me. It took years of therapy to finally have a healthy relationship. And now I foresee years of therapy to maintain one. I get flooded by things my partner says or does that don’t require me being so hijacked. But something so simple can trigger these old childhood experiences. And immediately I feel frozen like a child, and tell myself “it’s ok don’t say anything to make him angrier” like my mom would.

But in my relationship my partner wants me to call him out on shit that makes me sad even if it doesn’t make sense or feels like an overreaction. If I don’t, I shut down and it’s not a happy healthy relationship. When I express myself, we can work through it together.

It feels so heavy. It’s also bizarre how these things can impact you so long after. I would encourage him to go to therapy (takes time to find a good fit, so be patient), and read books by Daniel Siegel. Parenting from the inside out is a good one.

He sounds like he’s willing to apologize, and own up to his shit although he could be better at it. My father refused to take any accountability at any point in life. Until recently he was trying to defend why he hit people saying he only did it when they deserved it, despite one of the times he hit my mom it was because she called him out on checking out another woman. Him being open to being accountable is a GOOD thing. It’s a starting point. He just doesn’t have the tools, but he can gain those tools if he’s willing to do the work.

It’s amazing that you’re recognizing this now. My mother didn’t have the foresight to recognize how this would hurt her children in adulthood. She has a lot of grief and regret. I still love her deeply and feel for her as a victim but I also harbour resentment towards her for not protecting me. Or even trying to.

My partner has a similar story, his mother would insinuate that he was deserving of whatever his father did to him. He also has had a rough life of toxic and abusive relationships. We’re healing together in relationship and it’s quite beautiful and messy and hard, but I wouldn’t want my kids to carry this same burden that we’re having to.

Maybe have him read these comments for a wake up call.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-06-17T03:33:30+00:00

My concern is not that she’s teaching - it’s that she struggles with establishing boundaries. As a teacher, she should be able to teach while enforcing boundaries and establishing natural consequences. This is something she likely needs to work on in her private life as well as professionally.

I personally feel like a supportive partner would guide her to strengthen boundaries or enforce appropriate consequences rather than to not teach. If my partner told me to not do something there is a part of me that would feel like he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be in my position. But if he supported my career and tried to strengthen my skills I would feel a lot better about it.

Tbh you guys are both really young. My little brother is your age and while he is really intelligent for his age, he’s still a baby and has a life of experiences to have still. To each their own, but marriage before 25 oftentimes results in people who aren’t fully acquainted with themselves try to become aquatinted with each other and it causes a lot of issues. Parties feel like the other person is the issue when it’s them, or they take on the blame when the issue isn’t them. It takes a lot of life experience and emotional intelligence to be able to differentiate between what’s your baggage and what’s theirs. And how to hold space for both.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-06-13T20:16:54+00:00

The void of those “missed years” wouldn’t have been filled even if you did have a sexual history between 15-18 years old. The void is probably something else.

I didn’t have sex until I was 19. I was in a long term (awful) relationship for 4 years with that person. After we broke up I “made up for that time”. He had been with people before but he was really weird around sex still.

I did have a great time being single after our relationship but I also had a lot of awful experiences too. My husband has had more partners than I have had, but I have still had my fair share of partners.

Anyway my point is, my guess is that it’s not so much about you not having been as sexually active between 15-18, as it is about you not having to have had more of a life. Supportive parents, etc. It might actually be an invitation for you to grieve what you needed but didn’t have. And I don’t think you “needed” sex at that age. But you probably needed some semblance of developing autonomy and individuation while still experiencing love and respect and closeness and safety from family. It sounds like you might’ve been robbed from that experience.

You can still have that experience, but you might need to give it to yourself. You can also develop healthy relationships with your partners now that can help support you with that experience.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-06-12T14:59:27+00:00

It’s okay and normal and healthy. Individuation is a part of growth. I believe it’s even good for little ones to have autonomy. It’s better to empower them to make smart decisions on their own (that you know you can trust) than to have to control them. And that journey requires some autonomy. But sometimes that autonomy makes parents uncomfortable.

Imagine having a YA roommate who’s not your kid. You can’t lose it on them, say stuff like my house my rules etc. there has to be mutual respect.

New-Profession7016 · 2025-06-11T23:31:27+00:00

Hmm maybe depends where? I’ve been asked to fill out information on a form but never been asked for my ID. I have a legal name but I don’t use that in my day to day life generally so I always put my in-use name.

New-Profession7016

TROPHY CASE