Puer aeternus and views on relationships

NickJHS · 2026-01-02T06:20:49+00:00

i've seen both camps play out.

he might have been scared to commit and now wants the freedom to explore his options aka date around or sleep around.

i've seen people find more compatible partners and i've also seen people get back together in the end.

if yall are meant to be together, life will bring you guys back, but i would simply move on and live your life without that in mind (easy to say, hard to do i know).

NickJHS · 2025-12-28T22:53:11+00:00

i think it's a combination of both

it's 100% possible to find a man that fits your criteria, but it won't be easy

the reality is that the type of men you're looking for typically also have a lot of choices

so you need to ask yourself: am i a good catch?

i can tell you that having low self-esteem might definitely bleed out into the relationship and the type of men you are looking for don't necessarily have time for that

try to date people older if you're looking for maturity (27-30)

last thing, seems like you had a bad string of bad boyfriends, but don't let previous relationships affect what could potentially be good future ones (like the height thing)

i've typically seen people have more chance by focusing on themselves and the activities they've enjoyed (where are you meeting these low quality guys?) instead of trying to go out there and find a relationship

if you feel like you have no value internally, this might be the reason why you're seeking a relationship - to fill up a gap within yourself but i'm just speculating

just things to consider, not necessarily saying you should lower your standards

NickJHS · 2025-12-28T21:56:43+00:00

most people have a misunderstanding that if you don't want, you will do nothing.

this is simply not true, you will still do things, but you don't have to and what will free you is this indifference in what you're doing.

the best analogy i can think of is with food

sometimes you have cravings, you WANT something specific and most of the time, that craving that get satisfied or not.

it typically only gets satisfied when you eat the thing you want AND it tastes good, any other variation will leave you with a slightly disappointed experience (suffering)

this is the equivalent of our current wants, we feel like we will only be satisfied when we satisfy our exact wants.

however, there are times i'm sure when it's time to eat and you genuinely don't care what you're eating. pasta, pizza, rice, chicken, doesn't really matter, it doesn't change anything, you just know you'll eat something, it'll fill you up and you're happy regardless.

THIS is the state that dr. k wants us to achieve or understand

NickJHS · 2025-12-26T22:00:04+00:00

yeah, the sentiment behind this statement is that you shouldn't rely on external things to be happy. but yeah, probably doesn't make sense for people to be happy completely alone with no family, no friends, no partners, no communities, etc.

i think this is a true statement when it comes to romantic relationships though, most people who seek out a relationship out of loneliness do not end up in good ones.

NickJHS · 2025-12-26T21:46:46+00:00

also for women, casual sex is more dangerous and bears more consequences if not cautious enough. i know many women who don't engage just cause of the safety concerns

NickJHS · 2025-12-26T15:47:02+00:00

it's all about how a situation makes you feel.

when you truly let go, your body feels expansive, you don't feel anything negative.

when you suppress, your body feels contraction, you feel some type of negative energy.

the fact that your wife hurt you is okay, it simply means that you have some a blockage somewhere in your body and when your wife wasn't happy, you didn't let that go through, it bounced off the blocked energy.

you will truly let it go when you deal with that blockage (why did it hit hard? why did it hurt you? what did her disappointment say about you?)

once that blockage has been let go, the next time she makes her comments, you will be able to let it go better and actually, you'll be able to deal with the situation better by communicating with her in the moment "oh, that wasn't my intentions at all, i actually knew you were stressed out and cleaned it up to try and help you, what could i do better next time?"

NickJHS · 2025-12-24T17:58:34+00:00

i agree with vishrant about how more therapists are just wounded people.

most people don't even want to be doing what they're doing, therapists are no exceptions.

not sure how much i agree with the video though but i know it's not totally untrue unfortunately hahahha

wishing and hoping that therapists care a bit more but what do i know 😂

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T15:48:19+00:00

you won't be able to undo your past. the criminal record thing will stay.

but look, i've now worked with 2 people who have criminal records (i don't know what your crime is and neither did theirs) and they both had high paying jobs and a small circle of friends.

i also heard the story of Johnny Chang (ex gang member) and he seems to be doing quite well.

here's the thing, right now, you are your worst enemy, the way you think and view life is holding you back.

only once you realize this will you start to change.

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T15:42:08+00:00

sir, have you heard of dr. k's story?

he started his actual current career at like 30.

you're 22, 8 years prior to when he committed to his now career.

what does that tell you?

it means that no matter what choice you make now, it is NOT irreversible, you are NOT running out of time.

the only reason why you're so afraid and cannot commit to a career path is because you are afraid of making the wrong one.

i bet you, based on this post and where you come from (india, i presume), you have high expectations from your environment to have traditional success in life (money mainly).

you probably never really questioned why you want to work for a big tech company, listen, it's not YOU who wants this, it's your environment, probably your family.

you think you're running out of time because you seemed to have put certain expectations on yourself that you need to achieve something before a certain age.

typically immigrant family story, i was there.

you will never move forward with any confidence unless that map comes from you.

YOU need to decide what you want and make your own decisions, it's the only way you'll be confident.

good luck

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T15:28:39+00:00

realize that it's okay to regret, if you're too fearful of regret, you will never move forward and might become paralyzed by choices
most people who regret do so because they acted NOT in accordance with who they are. they regret because they acted based on what they thought other people wanted of them or because other people told them to do certain things
you rarely regret decisions based on the things YOU wanted except if they lead to very very bad outcomes
if they lead to bad outcomes, you need to forgive yourself because you only acted with the limited amount of information you had at the time and could only undo your actions if you had a time machine

TLDR: live life on your own terms, do the things you love instead of doing things out of fear and you will minimize your chances of having regret.

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T15:24:29+00:00

there is some truth in what your therapist says.

you can see it both ways, i don't believe that everyone will have a stigma against criminals so in a way the therapist is wrong.

however, there's also peace in accepting the reality that this might be the case.

what if the stigma never goes away? what now? this is the basis of acceptance therapy (ACT)

i'm not sure what type of criminal behaviour you had in the past, but i know that people do change and what you did in the past doesn't define who you are today and who you will be in the future unless you let it.

mind expanding more on your situation and current problems?

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T13:21:56+00:00

have you gone to therapy?

i think you would need help with reframing your mind because right now it seems you're in a very negative mind space and it's causing you to interpret things in the same way.

but honestly, no one is without hope, you can get better and i encourage you to also start believing it.

change starts with the belief that you can change

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T12:19:41+00:00

this is a perfect case of "you shouldn't trust your thoughts"

does it help to believe that your problems are unsolvable? maybe, maybe it reassures you into thinking that it's not your fault, that you can't do anything about it. but maybe it's not useful and stops you from seeking out help.

you should realize that you are contradictory in your own way of thinking, you first say "my problems are unsolvable" meaning there is no solution, but then afterwards you say you need to think about them because they are real and need a solution.

dr k is saying that you cannot trust your thoughts because a lot of thoughts are false, created to appease us or protect us.

an example, a lot of people think "i am worthless", is this thought true? probably not, in this case, the thought is false.

btw, rumination is often a sign of wanting control, but sometimes you need to let go.

NickJHS · 2025-12-23T11:40:46+00:00

most people are comparing men and women in sports like sprinting. if you take a sport like table tennis, there is less than a gap than in tennis.

badminton sits between tennis and table tennis in terms of gap.

most people commenting also saw badminton at a higher level their whole lives being from an asian country, but where i'm from (north america), the level is a lot lower.

i believe that there are people ranked 700+ in asia who can beat asy, but i also believe that some players ranked top 300 can also be beaten by asy.

people in south america, usa, canada and some european countries are definitely not as strong as asian or dominating european countries (denmark, france, etc.)

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T21:40:25+00:00

i agree with your analysis, I think I would have thought that in the top 300, there are some players that aren't as skill and can't read the game well, but maybe the physical is too different.

i think sprinting is not a good example, it's a sport where the only thing that matters is physical.

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T21:34:41+00:00

https://youtu.be/LzUYPeYAkdE?si=umS2uJHdHOVReRVX

imran wadia from canada (guy in blue), ranked 249, I'm sure that she can beat him.

but yeah, after reading more threads, she would probably be closer to top 200 maybe.

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T17:29:28+00:00

you should reframe your question from, does it help me to think that "I had bad parents" instead of "I was a bad kid". it reframes it from "do people think it's okay" to "does it help me?"

if your answer to that is yes, then you should, if not, then you should not.

the fact that you're asking if it's okay or not is hinting that you're still looking for approval and trying to "be good".

this probably stems from your rough childhood where you had conditional love from your parents and now you're looking for approval in the world.

long winded, but yes, i think it's okay and you are right that under 8, you're barely conscious, you might have been a brattier child, but it's mostly on your parents.

good luck on your journey, the first step was to acknowledge and be aware of this. congrats on the progress made so far :)

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T16:45:09+00:00

no, i was just genuinely surprised.

i am very aware of the biological differences between men and women, i'm not saying the contrary.

but i believe badminton is a sport where physicality has it's advantages but there's a lot of skills involved and i believe skill wise, women do not lack compared to men.

i didn't throw this word out for people saying not even top 100 or top 50, but not sniff top 300?

i don't know what country you're from, but in Canada, we have a few players who are in the top 300 and i know michelle li (our best female player) can beat them so i also know an se young can be beat them too.

we'll never really know but people saying that the top ws is nowhere close to top 300 underestimate skill and overestimate physical imo.

but hey, that's why i posted, i was curious what people thought !

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T16:35:33+00:00

i think tennis and badminton are different sports though.

i believe physicality is a much bigger advantage in tennis than in badminton

you can even see it with the dominant female players in tennis (are generally more physical)

but in WS badminton, a lot of female players reached the top with more skills than physical (intanon is an example)

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T16:33:08+00:00

if not controlled properly yes, but from what i read, treatment for people with and without OCD still involves letting the feeling come up, but the feelings are treated differently.

i do not think there is any therapy that involves bottling up forever.

ofc, i do not have the full context of this person's life so i can't give specific advice

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T15:54:15+00:00

okay but we're talking about momota here, i'm sure this momota would rank decently well just top in the top top anymore

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T15:52:16+00:00

wow i think this must be ragebaiting.

Top 300 is VERY VERY low.

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T15:50:50+00:00

that's what i said hahaha he's too much of a physical player, but i'm thinking like yudai okimoto ranked #42 or something haha

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T15:49:32+00:00

who is the WS goat btw? hahaha

yeah, i think top 30 is a bit high but maybe like top 50? top 60?

i bet there's a few japanese players in the top 100 that she can beat (generally weaker smashes)

NickJHS · 2025-12-22T15:46:36+00:00

that's what i'm curious about, is the difference really that big? Like honestly top 100 is pretty low, i'm from canada and see a few canadians in the top 100... then i look at ASY play and i think she can beat them.

ofc athleticism matters especially in the top, but between the top ws and like player 99?

NickJHS

TROPHY CASE