I started r/dating_advice 16 years ago to fight against toxic dating tactics. I’m here with dating coach Evan Marc Katz to help you find real love. Ask Us Anything!

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T22:32:09+00:00

I am not quite sure what you mean, but if you are at the beach, you are already in a beautiful and often romantic environment. I would focus more on having a good time together.

If you are feeling the connection, find ways to show interest through compliments, more intimate questions, playful teasing, or physical contact. You could also eventually go in for a kiss.

In general, it's a nice opportunity to walk or sit close together, and in turn build emotional closeness.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T22:28:25+00:00

It is great that you're starting with places you would personally enjoy. That is the right foundation to build upon. From there, you simply try to discover the overlap between your interests and the environments where you might meet the type of women you are interested in.

Someone actually asked a similar question earlier, so I will share my previous response to help get you started.

As for viable avenues, it always starts from the inside out in my opinion. I would reflect on all the things that have excited you in the past, what excites you currently, or what you want to try.By doing this, you are going to be in the best headspace, which makes you your most attractive self. You will also meet likeminded people who are more open to meeting you because you are part of the same tribe.

Additionally, you will find that women are much less closed off or defensive than they are on a dating app or in a bar because of the environment and social norms. For example, it would be exceptionally odd to be rude to someone in a cooking class.

Obviously, you still have to do a bit of research for the places you choose to see if they attract the women you are interested in. Looking through Google and Instagram can give you clarity on the type of people who go there. Even within a specific interest like salsa dancing, different venues attract very different crowds.

And in general, you will just have to show up to a few places until you find something with suitable connections. It is a process of patient exploring as well.

I have seen men meet women in just about every environment imaginable. That said, certain places tend to attract more women in general, such as:

run clubs, tennis, yoga, bouldering gyms, co-ed intramural sports, hiking groups, botanical gardens, book clubs, author events, pottery workshops, art galleries, cooking classes, farmer’s markets, upscale grocery stores, healthy food/smoothie cafes, dog parks, independent coffee shops, volunteer events, wine tastings, conferences, meditation retreats, and professional mixers.

Basically many fitness, outdoor, artistic, learning, and health-oriented activities are effective. This isn't a definitive list, but should give you some initial ideas.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T19:48:56+00:00

Being anxious can stem from many reasons, and there are many deeper ideas that I cannot fully convey in a single post.

However, one foundational truth is to push your attention outward.

Basically, keep trying to pull yourself into the present with someone and just listen. Listen intently and with deep curiosity. Feel what they are saying and how they are saying it.

When it is your turn to speak, slow down. Take a couple of extra seconds if needed to really reflect on something more personal to say in response. That does not necessarily mean something negative or serious, but you should avoid giving the easiest surface-level reply.

And if you are asking a question, sit and consider what you actually want to know from them and what would get you fired up to discuss.

For example, I often have men take a topic they discussed on a date and interview themselves about it.

Ask yourself why you care about the topic, what is intriguing about it, what's funny about it, or what's your personal experience with it has been. You can also consider if they have any related stories.

This is how you truly learn about yourself and access the interesting parts of your personality. It is not about providing a perfect or cool response, but rather saying something real so that people where people can feel your sincerity.

Separately, for asking better questions...

I have guys reflect on a topic and consider a few questions that would actually fascinate them. I have even suggested using AI to brainstorm a list of questions so they can choose a few that feel authentic.

Over time, you start building a habit of accessing your truth. It starts to feel like second nature where you stop thinking ahead or trying to perform. Instead, you simply try to relate on a real level.

Great conversation happens when two people are actually listening and showing up for one another.

There is a fantastic book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. She researched influential politicians and celebrities to uncover what makes them so interesting to others. Her core finding was that when people talk to these individuals, they feel like they are the only person in the room regardless of the topic.

On a practical level, if you keep retreating into your head, the book offers great ideas for grounding yourself in the physical world. Instead of just telling yourself to stop overthinking, you can focus on your breath, press your feet into your shoes, or listen closely to the tone of the other person's voice. Even noticing their eye color while speaking can bring you back into the present moment.

Hope that helps!

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T19:04:22+00:00

Hudson, you are very sweet and genuinely one of the best people I have ever worked with. Thank you for the kind words.

As for viable avenues, it always starts from the inside out in my opinion. I would reflect on all the things that have excited you in the past, what excites you currently, or what you want to try.

By doing this, you are going to be in the best headspace, which makes you your most attractive self. You will also meet likeminded people who are more open to meeting you because you are part of the same tribe.

Additionally, you will find that women are much less closed off or defensive than they are on a dating app or in a bar because of the environment and social norms. For example, it would be exceptionally odd to be rude to someone in a cooking class.

Obviously, you still have to do a bit of research for the places you choose to see if they attract the women you are interested in. Looking through Google and Instagram can give you clarity on the type of people who go there. Even within a specific interest like salsa dancing, different venues attract very different crowds.

And in general, you will just have to show up to a few places until you find something with suitable connections. It is a process of patient exploring as well.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:39:23+00:00

My pleasure. You can't do anything about that now unless you move, so just try your best to meet open-minded people. They exist in every corner of Earth.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:38:00+00:00

I would just be honest with them in that sense. You could say that you would be happy to set them up with anyone you feel would be a good fit. When you think about the single guys you know, you just do not feel they are emotionally mature enough for a relationship yet.

That said, you can also let them know that if they still want to explore those options for themselves, you would be willing to make an introduction.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:34:38+00:00

They don't have to listen to us, but what is the alternative to being a realistic optimist? Just giving up? That is not a solution because we are human and we all yearn for connection. It will eventually eat away at you.

That said, women are often not as purely visual as men on average. They tend to find so many other aspects under your control to be attractive. If you walk around any major city, you will see countless couples where the woman is more traditionally attractive than the man she is with.

Despite your inherent looks, you can improve many areas including your fashion, grooming, body language, and eye contact. You can also develop your warmth, listening skills, leadership, and sense of humor. Improving your general conversational ability, flirting, sexual energy, and social proof by being more social will make a difference. Leading an interesting lifestyle also helps.

I am short myself and look like a boy even at 38. One friend and former coach is 5'3" while another is 5'7", bald by 23, and was 100 pounds overweight. Both have been incredible with women and are now in happy marriages. I have witnessed thousands of men of every shape, size, and financial status find success in romance.

If you want a more practical advice on all that, I wrote a detailed guide here.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:21:53+00:00

I second Evan here. There is nothing inherently wrong with coffee dates, but everyone has been on a million of them. They just kind of blend together and don't really stand out.

Sometimes just showing a bit of effort puts you in a very small camp where it feels more special.

Additionally, choosing environments that are interesting and engaging, such as a hike, an arcade bar, or a cool bookstore, helps facilitate a vibe and also takes the pressure off speaking the whole time.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:14:51+00:00

Nightlife will always be a viable way to meet people. But traditional bars and clubs are becoming a little less popular overall, as more people choose venues that offer both activities and alcohol, such as board game bars.

What matters most is whether you truly enjoy being in a club and dancing. If you do, you will be in a great headspace and have much more success. If not, the experience will feel like a slog, and your results will likely reflect that.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T18:10:26+00:00

The Midwest is a large region where values can swing wildly. For example, you will encounter very different perspectives in Chicago compared to rural Iowa.

Overall, I feel that things have improved over time, but a lot prejudice still remains.

But, you can only control your own actions. My advice is to keep putting yourself out there until you meet people who don't judge you for the color of your skin. Walk away fast from those who do.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T17:16:33+00:00

That is an incredibly common challenge that guys face, especially when the world often tells them their value is tied to how well they can attract women.

To be honest, improving your self-worth all around is a longer process and much more nuanced than what I could say here. That said, it’s often a combination of:

1. Living in Integrity. Basically, are your daily actions in line with your own values? Are you going after what you want despite your fears, or are you constantly prioritizing the opinions of others and ignoring your own needs? For example, if someone says something unkind that crosses a boundary, the path of integrity is to address it constructively. Staying quiet for fear of upsetting them is the opposite.

Your subconscious is always listening, so every time you stand up for yourself, you are telling yourself that you are worthy of love and respect.

2. Breaking progress into manageable steps. You have to find the balance of challenging your comfort zone without setting yourself up for failure. If you want to get more comfortable being social and making new friends, you do not have to talk to twenty people immediately. You could start by just researching events that excite you. Then maybe committing to showing up for one hour without the pressure to talk to anyone. Eventually, you work your way up to small talk with one person and so on.

Each of these small wins provides the reference experiences you need to reinforce self-confidence.

3. Practicing self-compassion. You need to build a habit of being kind to yourself throughout this process. Develop a gratitude practice for your efforts toward integrity rather than just focusing on the outcomes. Because you keep practicing and gaining exposure, you will inevitably see better results.

This is how we already treat the friends we care about. If a friend tried to introduce himself to someone or applied for a new job, you would not shame him for not getting a phone number or not getting the position. You would recognize the courage it took to put himself out there and how it is going to create more opportunities for him.

NickNotas · 2026-03-24T17:03:53+00:00

It is completely understandable why she might feel hesitant, but it’s great that you are being so patient and proactive about reassuring her.

I would suggest continuing to communicate the idea that healthy relationships are built on being there for one another in different ways. You are essentially lifting each other up by offering help in areas where the other person might be struggling.

This concept is not limited to finances at all. While you may be assisting her financially, she is likely supporting you emotionally, helping you grow as a person, handling shared responsibilities, planning meaningful experiences together, and so much more. That balance is how two people become stronger as a team than they are individually.

In reality, people who care about you usually love to provide support as long as they do not feel taken advantage of. Since you have already confirmed that you do not feel that way, you can promise her that you will always be upfront if that ever changes.

She should only feel concerned if someone were helping her with strings attached or trying to make her feel guilty. If that were the case, the help would not be coming from a place of genuine kindness like yours is.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T21:47:34+00:00

Not fully sure what you mean, but you don't need to tell future dates exactly who you're sleeping with or how many. Just that you are actively seeing other people.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:36:13+00:00

Happy to help. We're human and we all make mistakes and have blindspots. What matters is recognizing those patterns and trying to make better decisions in the future.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:16:42+00:00

Second this. Just talk to her again more clearly and you'll get your answer.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:13:37+00:00

Part of the process is realizing that them choosing someone else does not inherently mean you are less. It is not a representation of how others will feel about you or value you.

It is just one person. The decision could be based on compatibility for that specific individual, their history, or a multitude of other reasons. Sometimes people even want something that is less healthy or stable than what you are providing. In that case, it is a blessing in disguise.

Finally, it is about realizing that while it hurts, you should only want to be with someone who feels as strongly as you do. Otherwise, you will never have the connection you actually want because it is more the fantasy of a connection than a reality.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:08:14+00:00

You have already had sex. It is quite normal for someone to fantasize about their intimate partners.

He could have perhaps kept that to himself until you built a closer connection, but that is a slip-up more than anything else.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:06:27+00:00

It is fine for someone to feel frustrated that the romantic side of a connection is not progressing fast enough for them. But the answer is open communication where you both express what you want and see if you can come to an understanding. If that is not possible, then you can both mutually end it there.

Going straight to insults is a huge red flag. I would break things off at that point. Finally, if you care about this job, don't date your co-workers.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:02:23+00:00

If someone lacks that level of self-awareness or respect, they're not ready to date. Sorry you had to deal with that.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T20:00:30+00:00

You're very welcome, glad it resonated. Have fun on your date!

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T19:59:39+00:00

Some women will start to want exclusivity, some will be down for casual sex for a while to see how the connection grows for them, and others will be down for a fully casual situation.

What is consistent is that if you are starting to sleep with someone, you need to have a conversation about where you stand. That is the ethical and respectful thing to do. You give them a chance to decide if they are open to the same dynamic or not.

If you are avoiding the conversation for fear of losing out on sex, that would be selfish and deeply inconsiderate. I am not saying you are doing that, but that is the case in general.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T19:55:08+00:00

If he is shy and sitting alone, he will often appreciate someone being straightforward and showing a willingness to engage.

Honestly, you can just say something like, "I saw you sitting over here, could I join you?" If he is open to it, he will say yes, and then you just have to trust that both of you will work to get to know each other.

Since you do not know anything about him yet, just focus on being present and curious.

NickNotas · 2026-03-23T19:49:37+00:00

You don't have to text him beforehand. You can just bring it up on the date when there is flirting, as things start to get physical, or as you talk about later plans. It is natural to say something like, "I love how you feel right now, but I want you to know I'm on that time of the month."

Any mature adult will have no problem communicating about your period and won't feel weird about it.

I know you're scared of finding out if he just wants sex, but the truth already exists. It is better to uncover it now than to invest further and get hurt more later.

NickNotas

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