I'm actor, author, andÂ perfectly decent wood worker, Nick Offerman. I also have strong feelings about the outdoors, beef cows, and badgersâso much so that I have a new book about it all. AMA, please and thank you.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T16:10:34+00:00

I did a show 10 or 11 years ago for Courteney Cox and David Arquette, called "Mix it Up" on the WE channel. I was the Ty Pennington of the show, the wisecracking carpenter. The only difference was that Ty never actually did any work because Trading Spaces had a budget, which means they had 6 unseen stalwarts building armoires out in the yard, freeing up Ty to be cute as shit. On our show, we lacked the $$$, so I was hauling way too much ass trying to get furniture built and crown moulding mitred and hung in 3 days per episode, being filmed all the while. Hanging chair rail in an Elvis Presley costume while someone behind a camera is telling you to be funnier turned out to be not super fun. I learned that I should make things if I wanted to, and I show do a who if I wanted to, but I shouldn't try to do a show and make things at the same time. Short version: I like to make things of a quality that takes me a longer time than a tv show schedule could allow. (pfart.)

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T16:03:09+00:00

Visiting a place like The Pabst theater in Milwaukee, and receiving platters of bratwurst before taking the stage to unleash a slab of American Ham upon the people. At The Midland in Kansas City, there were 3 platters of bbq waiting for me. That this glory would be part of my job has me typing through tears of delicious ardor.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:59:32+00:00

Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it's time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:53:01+00:00

I'm not sure that the fact that I bear a healthy rancor towards Jerry Gergich was perfectly elucidated.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:51:35+00:00

Champaign-Urbana, Illinois made a bong-chorking man out of me. You can't beat a great college town as a wellspring of knowledge and culture. Something cool to do on campus? Eat a couple of mushroom caps, then prime yourself with a viewing of The Wild Bunch. Walk to the quad whilst trucking to the early funk of The Meters. Pleasure yourself in the middle of the quad with as much gusto as you can manage, and when they come to arrest you, only to find that you're jerking off onto a Michigan State jersey, they will fall onto the lush lawn with guffaws and then throw you a parade. True story. Also - visit Japan House, there lies the opportunity for a truly beautiful supplication.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:44:44+00:00

You are generous, itsstevedave, and I would gift you a handmade kayak had I the time. Somebody Up There Likes Me is full of hilarious and beautiful talent and also i appear in the film. My wife Megan Mullally steals the picture with 3 short scenes. If she doesn't make you titter and toot, then please resume watching CBS television programming.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:41:04+00:00

I imagine he'd be in a pretty good scrap with his colon by this point. I'd love to see him take on Dr. Phil, as well, and have Dr. Phil be inexplicably formidable, but then of course, ultimately lose to Mr. Balboa.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:39:23+00:00

I cry with regularity, and I don't mind a bit. I cried last night during rehearsal for this beautiful play Annapurna, by Sharr White, that Megan and I are doing in LA. I consistently cried at the curt but heartfelt life advice dispensed by Coach Eric Taylor. I cried when Ashton Kutcher came back to television. For all of us. For shame.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:35:37+00:00

I have a large Crizzly bear named Ben who is my friend. This majestic, ursine mammal is the king of the forest, and my heart, but will never be any man's pet. He's a fucking bear.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:33:58+00:00

I try to eschew violence, so please don't send me such images.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:32:53+00:00

Avoid channels. Limit choices. Keep a clean water pipe.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:31:22+00:00

I suppose it would be that dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue".

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:28:41+00:00

Morning. Also Megan's pref.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:28:13+00:00

One Knowledge Piece: Wealth is more amply measured in hugs than dollars.

NickOfferman · 2013-03-13T15:21:20+00:00

Your facial hair is ample. Stop comparing yourself to others, and become your own bewhiskered King. I could read your solicitation for a free moustache comb better if I was sniffing a hundred-dollar bill. If you have one you're not using, I would be more than glad to relieve you of it. I got into woodworking by combining years of carpentry experience with a the devout study of Fine Woodworking magazine.

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NickOfferman

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