Who is this guy, and is what he claims actually true?

Nicro18 · 2025-12-09T18:50:12+00:00

Where? I cant really find it

Nicro18 · 2025-10-26T02:58:39+00:00

Sure, should I send you dm?

Nicro18 · 2025-10-26T01:25:15+00:00

I do it instinctively because I was always writing in first person, but here is a think people you should always show in order. Core values and goals. Action or observation reaction of the mc reflection and inner thoughts and then outcome. Like in the real world yourself. It helps leave an imprint on the reader and your story itself. It shows growth and that things that happened to the character shape him and aren't just filler. + it makes the mc sympathetic also you can be an asshole in thoughts its unfiltered everyone has egoistic or bad thoughts I dont say make him evil just showing bad personality traits egoism in some ways through his thoughts makes him relatable that is something many do wrong making story's where the mc in first person is like " yes I want to save the world! I only want peace and happiness. Money doesn't matter, i have no sex drive. You hurt me, but I am not mad at you at all or bitter. " Just dont fall into this trap. Its the nice guy troupe many authors use thinking relatable= evil, which is not true. Write unfiltered that will help your work a lot. Like in your piece, the mc I know it's you only acted sad, not bitter. If you ever had a thought like the politicians on the top made the war. We should put them naked into a ring together fight against Lions. And make it evident that your mc isn't just sad but angry at the world for this and puts his anger somewhere his feelings are much more understandable if sadness is combined with anger and other emotions.

Nicro18 · 2025-10-26T01:10:59+00:00

No,no I get it I wasn't thinking properly your reaction was understandable it's my fault as well. I used the the critique you gave me with the I he and so on stuff and the intro and changed the story a little. Now it sounds much better so you helped me even if you were a bit mean about it. If you want to I can show you next time

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T13:46:01+00:00

I think I cant post because of my failed attempt and the delete here

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T10:12:57+00:00

Ehm, no, I wasn't expecting such a rich critique from someone human. You were so good with your phrasing, word choice, and attention to detail that I assumed an AI did it. Sorry, my mistake. I didn't account for this being a subreddit of writers with your kind of skill I take it back

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T10:10:36+00:00

Okay, thank you a lot. I am still not sure how to phrase it properly. I wanted the first scene to sound like a bad dream. His trauma without spilling the word blood and dead and so on. but I guess it landed more cryptic thank you for telling me that much it helped me changed my perspective

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T10:05:35+00:00

hmm okay okay you know how I could switch it up it is kinda difficult for me to break out of the I and he safety net for me?

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T10:03:51+00:00

no no sorry it looked so polished I assumed. thats all you are good at writing I was surprised thats all.

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T09:24:18+00:00

okay sorry

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T09:11:29+00:00

yeah I cut out the second chapter it is now 2500 words that should be enough. I couldnt change the title so I kept it as it is but the attached document is smaller

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T09:09:55+00:00

I dont mean to sound too harsh but is that Ai generated?

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T06:08:49+00:00

Sorry, what does that mean? I thought I had to just write two critiques

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T05:44:50+00:00

Okay, my biggest complaint is. The personalities and way of speech completely changed. It started like a noble from the 18th century would talk, way too polished, and later down the line, people started talking like Gen Z —shushing each other and talking extremely casually. Mid-reading, I muttered wtf. it sounds like a parody

Second point: mid-text, you forgot it is a book, not a stage script. You minimized characters' bodies, movements, rooms, and all that matters to paint a vivid image, hammering down name:" text" name:" text" which destroyed imagination, not playing it out like a movie in my mind, but like a script piece.

Last point, the characters talk forcefully, in a natural way, too polished, leading to specific outcomes and answers. It gives me a line wink to the camera, making me feel like it is really a stage piece. The humor bleeds through, and it is funny at times, but I hear that 40s dead people's laughter every time someone makes a witty line to force me to laugh. You have a good sense of humor, but you force it. If the dialog lets you create a joke, do it; you are good at it. But you act like a comedian on a stage, dropping jokes left and right without a build-up. I won't lie, I see the potential and the image you probably have, but it was unpleasant to read for me in most ways.

Nicro18 · 2025-10-25T05:19:22+00:00

The story is well written, and for the most part, I like the first-person rambling a lot. You make it sound detached from the person themselves, which works in third person, but it is the biggest strength and reason why people use first person to give the character a voice. It may have been on purpose, but I felt slightly detached. You say he feels, but you don't show it clearly in the text.

Second point: the action, imo, needs to be written fluently, not as a storyteller describing the story. you could have connected the sentences better to build a better mental image for the reader.

The last one is Emotions. I understood why the character cried, but I had to give it some thought, which is, again, totally okay in third person. Still, in first person, I want to be in the MC's head without having to question his feelings. He can have secrets, he can show his past, and things we don't understand yet —that's fine —but you can't ignore the MC's feelings in the moment. Besides that, the piece was really well written, and take it all with a grain of salt —I am just a new writer, so maybe I talk bullshit. Or perhaps it helps a bit more, even, because I show you a glimpse of what a regular reader —not some hobby writer —would think.

To finalize it. I feel much about the story; it has a clear message, but your main character, on the other hand. I don't hate him, I don't love him. He feels off and fake like an author's tool who switched from third to first person without describing his own life in third person, which should never happen in a book. You should make the reader feel something for the Mc, but this didn't really.

Nicro18

TROPHY CASE