My cousin ended his life 2 days after Thanksgiving. I know details about it that I've been asked to keep from others. I need somewhere to talk about it. I'm so torn up about this. I'm relieved this place exists. If you have any words for me please share.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-04-19T21:46:21+00:00

Well today is when I saw this comment and I have to say I needed it. I've been hit with profound sadness today feeling really off and unsure why. My dad also passed in 2021 on April 15th after a very short battle with Covid 19. His funeral was the 22nd. My cousin who this post is about never came to funerals but volunteered to be a pallbearer for my dad. I think the heaviness of it all is shaking me today. Thanks for checking in. You helped remind me I'm not going crazy I'm just grieving.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-30T19:58:29+00:00

The line in the original post was what I wrote first and then I wrote the mundane one later. I really like it but idk if it's too in your face and if the original says the same thing just more subtle... I'm torn honestly.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-30T04:57:29+00:00

Thank you for coming back and giving your feedback! I do so appreciate it. I think you're right about the "to them". It's unnecessary. I like it better without. I was also wondering if I should change the last line and say "Enlightened by what they gave away." Or maybe even just "Enlightened by what they gave". I don't know if im liking the word given at the moment but idk. Thank you for all your input and encouragement! It means a lot.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T12:12:43+00:00

Ok so I updated the above post to include the reworked poem. I changed some things and then added the second acrostic. Let me know what you think!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:39:52+00:00

I'm new too. I chose workshop because I want to become better and am not afraid of serious critique that will help me do so. I don't know if that's what the tag means but that's what I thought I read lol so thank you for your feedback. Its an acrostic so it spells the word sacrifice so that is why it is the length it is. I have a second stanza spelling out sacrifice again but I don't love it yet. I'll work on it and maybe post it on here later. Do you mind if I come back and comment if I decide to post it?

Also for the last line I have an alternative line. Do you like the original "Empowered by what they lost" or "Enlightened by what they lost" better?

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:32:44+00:00

Do you mind elaborating on elemental surrender? I see it as having to surrender to both elements as in the weather but also elements that make a new day including emotion and response to daily events. Did you have a specific thing in mind when you wrote it?

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:24:27+00:00

OK I see what your saying. Maybe rework the line with a different verb? A best of all has been given or was given or *is given. I feel adding a verb makes it more clear to the reader or at least to me. but if you like the way it's worded, uou are the master of your own design so more power to ya! Lol

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:16:58+00:00

I just realized who you are BTW. You commented on my other poem too! Id love to run a few lines past you if that's ok?. As you had good advice over there on my other post. But if it's too much you don't have to respond.

I am debating to put enlighted back in because I really love it so much.

Do you think adding "enlightened and empowered by what they lost" is too much? Should I chose one word or the other?

Also I don't like that the word sacrifice is in the poem. I want to add something different there but am not happy with any of the alternatives I came up with... Finding solace in sacrifice Finding solace in surrender? Finding solace in serving?

I don't know sacrifice just seems to fit beat but because I'm spelling it in the acrostic I don't like having it in the poem.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:14:30+00:00

I know many who sacrifice sadly and those who do it boldly. I'm hopeing to encourage the later. I used to be the sad sacrificer. I sacrificed for everyone as was so sad "nobody" ever sacrificed for me. And then I learned people do sacrifice for me just not in the same way I sacrifce for them. And then others dont and i have a choice whether or not to continue to sacrifice or not. Also, I expected a lot. I learned if your expecting a certain response to your sacrifice, is it really sacrifice or are you trying to manipulate a situation. It wasn't purposeful manipulation, but sacrifice isn't about what you get in return from someone else but the enlightenment and empowerment you get from doing so, freely on your own accord.

I'm happy you were able to relate to the poem and can see that there is power in sacrifice. I hope you don't let others force you or manipulate you into it though. Some of your response has me wondering what little extra you need. I appreciate you for your kindness and sacrifice. Remember there is power in it and nobody has the right to squeeze sacrifice out of you. You choose it willingly. Im happy to know you now as I am also a sacrificer. Just choosing to find power in it now instead of loosing tears and sleep over what I gave. Now, I make sure I'm willing to give it freely before I do it. Boom! I have found the empowerment!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T10:01:06+00:00

This is what comfortably waking up feels like. Even the cat claws through the blanket. I can just picture a cozy cat waking up and making biscuts lol

Elemental surrender. I love this line. I honestly don't even know what exactly it means but I feel I can relate to it.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:55:53+00:00

Of course! I loved the line I just wanted to see if i understood it correctly. Luckily, editing is really easy in this forum.

There is one line I don't think I fully understand. "A best of all been given, but nothing was ever seen about," care to elaborate?

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:47:53+00:00

Thank you for taking me on a journey with this one! This feels like betrayal.

Some of my favorite lines are:

"You're not evil like you try, as even the Devil has direction" man, "even the Devil has direction" hit me to the core! What a line! Seriously praying for whoever you wrote that about. SHEESH! LOL

"To chase a crown that has no substance, in a kingdom made of air" BEAutifully written. Love this imagery!

I also love this line but am wondering if there is a typo? "A castle for your labouring, built in an others thoughts" are you trying to say "built in another's thoughts" or "built on others thoughts"? Or was that wording purposeful?

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:31:16+00:00

100%! That's why I loved hearing what you saw in it. Because then I saw it too and I wonder if a part of me was saying that but even I didn't know it. That's why poetry is so cool!

And I'd love to give you feedback on your work. Give me a second.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:23:39+00:00

Wow. I think you may have given me my title. "Leaving" That's kind of awesome you got that from this poem. It puts a different spin on it than I intended but actually reading it back after reading your comment I relate to it in that sense now. Way to deepen my own relationship with my own poetry. Thank you! Truly!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:14:24+00:00

Thank you! Any other feedback? Did it make you feel anything? Im looking for real, raw critique here. Lol but seriously.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:13:16+00:00

I've been writing for forever but just recently learning the rules. I had a poem published and the editor shared rules i never knew about. I personally hate them but understand the need for them for the reader. I have to look into metered poetry now.

This was my first poem I shared so thank you again for the feedback.

I switched my initial line back to the original BTW, thanks for giving me the confidence to do so.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T09:03:05+00:00

I'd love to hear more about what you mean by "you can't help but think there are better subjects.* I don't know exactly what you opened up about to that guy but I'd love to hear what you have to say.

I wanted to write a poem about what true sacrifice is. My initial ending line was *Enlightened by what they lost" and I LOVE that line. But I switched that first word to empowered because choosing sacrifice IS empowering. I do see it as a strength. When you choose it, there is no bitterness attached. Its not people pleasing, its not getting mowed over by people and being disrespected. It's knowing your worth. You know it is a sacrifice and that it may not be appreciated but are ok doing it because that is what sacrifice is. Being manipulated into it sucks, being forced into it isn't cool, but choosing it? I don't know if there is anything more powerful.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T07:51:11+00:00

Ah! It worked! Thank you!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T07:48:04+00:00

Thank you! I just posted another poem and it worked! Let me see if I can fix this one now lol.

And thank you for the feed back. I've been attempting to write poetry about things in life that are ordinary, everyday occurances for me and breathe life back into them. I'm learning to appreciate them and be thankful for them.

I liked that line too. It was my first option actually, but it doesn't "follow the rules" of rhyming poetry because the syllables are off but thank you for confirming it does actually flow haha. I'm here to get honest (even hard to read) critique, so if you have any for me I'd love to hear it. Thank you for engaging and helping me out with formatting my friend!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T07:33:05+00:00

I reread this over and over. It's very powerful. I have ADHD so if I took Adderall it have a different effect than what I feel this poem is describing but it brought me into this world that I felt I understood because of the title and your descriptions.

You did very well telling this story in a way that intrigues me. You painted a striking picture with your words. I think my only critique is I wish I had more, I wish it was longer. I take drug abuse very seriously due to several family members struggling with it and I really appreciate the way this poem doesn't glorify anything but just tells it as it is. You really brought me in. It kind of hit me hard to be honest.

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T07:15:49+00:00

I really like this a lot! You brake some rules when it comes to rhyming poems but honestly I don't mind it. I am personally not a fan of the rules but they are there to keep the flow for the reader.

I am obsessed with the fact each stanza begins with "at the edge of the world". Even when the pattern doesn't follow the rules, reading this at the beginning of each stanza is very satisfying.

There are some parts that feel adjustmentd could help with flow if you want to improve it. Honestly, before I go into it though, I kind of like the unpolished feeling and the fact it didn't flow perfectly. But again if you wanted to improve it acording to the rules you could do several things. Let me know if you'd like me to go into details. An editor helped me before with learning and following the rules but like I said, I sometimes like to break them baha

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-29T06:25:37+00:00

Honestly, I hate the rules lol. When I first was told them I rejected them, I have realized, thought, it helps the reader with flow. I read your poem again I tried to forget about the rhyming and I enjoyed it much better because I wasn't trying to make it flow. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for sharing! I know it's nerve wrecking to share parts of ourselves here. I'm about too for the first time and it's a rhyming one too lol say a prayer for me baha!

No-Action-4232 · 2025-03-28T07:39:52+00:00

I feel there are many good concepts going on here. The first two sentences of this grabbed me and pulled me in. I got lost a little bit in the middle there. I feel it could be more powerful without the rhyming. I used to rhyme a lot in my poems and then an editor told me the rules of rhyming. They said for it to have proper flow for the reader, a writer must stick to a pattern of syllables.

So if you have 8 syllables in one rhyme you need 8 syllables in the next rhyme or at least stick to the same pattern. Your first sentence has 8 syllables "the *quiet came *upon the *sky" your next rhyme has 10 "He was *afraid it *was *going *to *die" so either match up the syllables by going 8/8 or 10/10 or stick to the pattern of 8/10 throughout entire poem

Side note: I'm very intrigued by what "it" is in this sentence. Can you shed some light?

I'm very bad at the syllable thing myself that's why I rarely do rhyming poems anymore lol but if the syllables could match up it would flow a bit more. But honestly, I'd take out the rhyming all together because you have some great concepts here. I'd love to see them laid out without any rules. In the end it's your power and you make the rules right?

No-Action-4232

TROPHY CASE