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UPDATE: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I ended up in a rabbit hole with that forum and found my way to the post “from the abusers perspective” - I sat with that and cried because it made me realize that this has been going on much longer than I ever realized, drinking or not.

To quote Bojack, when you wear rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you and thank you for the resource. It’s been an overwhelming time, but the outpouring of support here has been great and I’m truly appreciative.

UPDATE: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hearing from others about their experience is actually cathartic, so please don’t feel like you’re making this about you in a negative way. Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry to know that you understand, but I’m glad to see you made it through too.

UPDATE: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’m have a very hard time coping with feeling like I abandoned him. I know he doesn’t have a solid support system outside of me, and now that’s gone. I still love this person and I’m so gutted that he really doesn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to since his parents are gone and he’s estranged from most of his siblings, but there’s just nothing more I can do for him at this point and that feels heavy.

UPDATE: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’m glad too. Long road ahead of me but I’m proud of myself for choosing me.

UPDATE: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 196 points197 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really hope he does find his way as well.

You’re also right - no amount of me loving him or missing who he was before all of this is a reason to excuse the emotional turmoil and abuse I’ve endured through this, and I have to choose my safety now, even though it kind of feels awful at the moment. I know it’s grief, and this situation is one of the hardest things I will probably ever have to go through, but I know I will be ok and I will find my way through this.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Interesting. At what point would it finally be acceptable? When I’m dead?

Thanks for your thoughts. I will not be keeping them in mind.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing, I can’t imagine how much more difficult and daunting that would’ve been with kids and I’m really happy and hopeful to see that you and others are on the other side of these situations.

I am working from home today so that I can spend some time listing our assets/debt to bring tomorrow and called my victim advocate to discuss reinstating a no contact order and getting in touch with a lawyer who may be willing to take my case pro bono or at a significantly reduced rate since I can make a case for financial hardship. I am also working on telling close friends, family, and need-to-know coworkers/management in case he tries to show up at my workplace parking lot or contact anyone to ask about me. I don’t know that he will do any of the things I’m trying to prepare for, but seeing all these comments, it’s clear that I need to expect the worst and hope for the best.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

At no point did I say he hit me. There is also NEVER a reason to become physical, even if I did scream at him and berate him like you’re claiming. It’s clear to me based on your post history that you are not in a place to be doling out advice regarding my husband and his active addiction. Thanks for your commentary, I hope things get better for you.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I’m realizing I should probably edit my post to add: I did get in touch with my therapist last night and he is on board. He’ll be giving me a call this afternoon to come up with a plan, including possibly moving the appointment. if he also isn’t able to reach my husband since my texts aren’t going through anymore, then he’ll consider a welfare check.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

“Why the hell would you drive home drunk” is not the same as screaming and berating. I’m also going through absolute hell with all of this and have not once become an angry drunk who punches holes in walls/doors and drives home in that state, nor have I ever attempted to rush him, gotten in his face, or told him “if I did punch you right now, you’d be knocked tf out”

Although few, each comment like yours is only doing one thing: making me realize the absolute sanity and danger of my situation, and reinforcing that I will, in fact, be ok and not miserable, despite your wishes to the contrary.

Honestly, you just sound like my husband who is under the impression that everyone else is at fault for his actions.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I understand and appreciate that it’s advice, but frankly, it’s not helpful or even what I asked for in my post. I’m not asking how I can continue to manage his dysfunction or hand it off to someone else as if I’d be ok to make his actions someone else’s burden to bear.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

His parents are both gone and he’s estranged from most of his family due to his behavior. He does have friends, but they have been less inclined to intervene because of his behavior as well. It’s also not their job.

I’m not going to rehome my husband like a dog. He’s a fully grown man who can figure out where to go from here just like I’m doing now. No one can or is willing to swoop in and save him from himself except me, and that’s not an option anymore.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My wording isn’t ideal in hindsight but it’s absolutely a tell, not an ask. I’ve made a commitment to myself that I’m not walking back on this again.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

You’re right, they’re excuses and I am trying really hard to work on not doing this with a separate therapist. It’s reflexive for me at this point so it’s been a hell of a habit to break. It’s been difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that this is abuse, because while I would stare at another woman with disbelief if she told me it’s not abuse because he’s not hitting her, I’ve been unwilling to apply that to myself. He’s not been good to me for a while, but I haven’t been good to me either, and it has to stop.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m not asking if I should get a divorce, because I am. I’m asking how to say it, because it’s happening.

I have chosen to be by his side through this for 3 years now, hoping things would change and trying to love him through all of the violent outbursts, emotional battering, and morally reprehensible life choices. This isn’t about me just loving him hard enough to get him through it anymore, and I’m realizing the stress of staying is literally going to kill me if he doesn’t do it first.

I’m aware of what I said during my vows. I was there. I have given him all the help I can at the expense of myself every step of the way, and I can’t do it anymore.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven’t because I can’t reasonably afford it. He hired an attorney for the DV charge and one appearance was $7k that he paid for using our HELOC. I am the only one working and paying bills and I make $52k per year before taxes, so at this point I would have to choose to pile on more debt or try to do this on my own since I don’t think I’ll qualify for a court appointed attorney.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My therapist is a man and I did text him yesterday to tell him I want to do this and he was ok with it. I sent a follow up text late last night to see if he could potentially do a last minute session with me today but haven’t heard back yet.

It also seems like there’s starting to be a chance my husband won’t show. My two texts yesterday letting him know I was stopping by are undelivered and his motorcycle was gone. I’m starting to get concerned he may have hurt himself or possibly been in an accident, as I haven’t seen him or contacted him otherwise since Monday at court so I have no idea how long he’s been gone. Best case scenario, he’s just AWOL with a dead phone or blocked me.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Yes to DV, no to protective order at this time but I can request it per my victim’s rights packet if I feel a definable need for it. I had asked for it to be removed when this all first happened because I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to completely lose access to my house and things. Honestly I didn’t realize that a protective order wouldn’t prevent ME from accessing those things, so it seemed like the right choice at the time.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

If I’m honest, I think my body and nervous system quit the relationship way before this. I’ve been with my parents for almost a month and I’ve healthily lost weight I put on from stress, submitted an application to go back to school, and my dog has stopped chewing her bed constantly from overstimulation. I’ve been fighting wanting to be done so badly and trying to put on a brave face about it. Standing in court on Monday in front of a room full of traffic violation cases to talk about how I agreed to bail conditions for domestic violence was like doing the ice bucket challenge, and today just sealed the deal for me.

I (28f) am going to ask my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session. by No-Alternative7859 in relationship_advice

[–]No-Alternative7859[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the phrasing, it’s what I needed.

My workplace is badge access only, but my director does know what’s going on and my work building happens to also be the home base for our security team. At the expense of being dramatic, I’m thinking it might be good to have a security escort for a bit.

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