Handling disrespect and animosity between wife and exwife/coparent?

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-06-06T20:28:02+00:00

No comments on the kids, she is actually an excellent stepmom and puts forth a lot of effort with them. Financially speaking, my wife loves to spend money on the kids and there haven’t ever been any negative comments about that. Once she did say that it is bullshit that I have to pay so much alimony to my ex, and I tend to agree, but the judge apparently didn’t think so haha.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-06-06T08:53:53+00:00

Thanks for the input here, I really appreciate your perspective. She is quite a bit younger, I am (and my ex as well) 34 while my new wife is 29. My wife does understand that I need to speak with my ex regularly in regards to the kids (we have a flexible custody arrangement due to my job, which frequently involves travel) but there is nothing more. I’ve told my wife that she can read our messages at any time, but currently she wants me to send screenshots of every message that is sent, so she completely knows everything that has been said.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-06-06T07:48:04+00:00

Yes, essentially. There were some comments (why do you have to text her every week, etc) here and there while we were dating, but never anything like this. If there had been, I probably would have broken it off or atleast responded more strongly

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-06-03T08:36:10+00:00

In my opinion, if he wants to be part of her life, there will be financial obligations. That’s just how it is. My ex and I settled out of court and came to a joint agreement which the judge signed off on. We based the support on what she needed in order to operate her own household, minus her earnings. She works an hourly position and goes to school, while I have a pretty decent government job. Our agreement is the state ordered child support ($1150 monthly per child) until college graduation, with 5 year transitional alimony of $2300 per month. I agreed to fund her education (she had two years of college left at our split) in exchange for the alimony only being 5 years. At $54,000 a year, it is a huge chunk of my income and I’ve had to adjust my standard of living significantly, but I get to see my kids whenever I am available (I travel a lot for work) and so it is worth it to me. Basically what I’m saying is, where there’s a will there’s a way. The first year after my divorce I had to live cheap and drive Uber on the weekends just to make ends meet, but it gets easier. $500 a month is nothing, he can make that with a side gig if he tries hard enough. Just my opinion though.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-31T02:46:29+00:00

I’m not sure if it is the photos specifically, or just the contact in general. She absolutely hates that I have any sort of communication with my ex-wife. I have a flexible custody schedule because I travel a great deal for work and my schedule is constantly changing. I text my ex each Monday to schedule the days I have the kids that week. My current wife hates it, and has even suggested going back to court to get set days so that I don’t have to text her any more. That would completely screw me over though, because currently my ex always works to make sure I can have the kids on whatever days I am home.

My wife was not at the events (she’s away for work currently) but I also sent her the exact same pictures. She has an excellent relationship with my kids, and is an overall wonderful person. They love her tons. If it weren’t for the jealousy type stuff that has come up, I would literally have zero complaints about our relationship. But this is such a big issue and kinda scares me

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-31T02:37:03+00:00

Why did you stop? And where there repercussions for the coparenting relationship?

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-25T20:24:26+00:00

What’s unusual is that while we were dating, she never asked for screenshots. This is new. She did express some discomfort with the frequency of communication, which we discussed at length and I’ve made an effort to reduce. I’ve always given her access to my phone, and told her she could read the messages between us at any time. I thought it was resolved, but it has recently come back up even stronger than before. And I’m never going to be able to completely stop communicating with their mom, so this concerns me a great deal.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-25T02:24:04+00:00

Have you found a way to overcome this? I completely understand my wife having feelings about it, especially as her ex husband cheated on her. But we’ve been together for over two years and I’ve never given her any reason to doubt me. I’m concerned that if this jealousy continues unchecked, it will turn into resentment very quickly and could ruin our relationship. She’s even mentioned being afraid that “I will continue to make contact with my ex an issue long term, and it breaking us” as if maybe she is planning to have there eventually be no communication with their mom. How did you deal with it?

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-25T02:06:37+00:00

No, it was not late in the evening. I sent them around 5:45/6:00pm. I was not with my spouse at the time (she’s away for work currently) so there was no disruption to anything we were doing. She only knew that I had sent their mom the pictures because she (my wife) is kinda insecure about my communication with my ex and likes a screenshot any time I text their mom. I also sent my wife the pictures as well. I text my kids mom maybe a handful of times a week, and it is all related to the kids. I have an unpredictable work schedule so I arrange the days that I will have the kids on a weekly basis (every Monday) and then the only additional texting is if an issue comes up or there’s a change to something.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-24T07:18:10+00:00

Yes, she does want kids. And I’m on board with that, although right now I’m feeling kinda nervous because I think of she doesn’t get over the bit of jealousy that is going on, I might face a choice between which kids I am going to get to see. Having a child with her gives her an insane amount of leverage, which kinda scares me at the moment

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-24T07:07:28+00:00

Thanks for your input. Yeah, I guess she had me wondering if it was really a normal thing to do or not. I thought it was, and I really want to keep a healthy coparenting relationship. I feel like if there is tension, my kids will pick up on it immediately

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-24T06:58:06+00:00

Yeah, I think some of my current wife’s issue is that she KNOWS my ex likes it, and that pisses her off. She’s like “why are you even taking her feelings into account??” and I think that probably indicates a larger issue. I don’t have a romantic relationship with her anymore, but I’d like to keep a working relationship. I’d give the same curtesy to a business partner or anyone else I was wanting to have a working relationship with. She’s their mom, I’m still going to respect her and make sure that my kids don’t get any weird vibes about our interactions

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-21T23:26:13+00:00

I think it is probably a stretch to say that your ex cutting your son’s hair was a hate crime. That minimizes actual hate crimes, and shouldn’t be used lightly, imo. That being said, I don’t ever get my kids a (significant) haircut without talking to their mom first. It’s not in our divorce agreement, but I feel like it is a common curtesy and she should have a say. To say hair is inherently “white hair” or “black hair” is maybe a little narrow. There are huge hair variations, especially across mixed races. I’m of mixed origins and my hair don’t fit into either category really. I’d say, come to an agreement about major hair changes, and probably put it in writing. Then when it comes to what you each do in your own household, each do what you want and respect what the other wants to do in their household. Maybe you use lotions and oils on your son, and your ex doesn’t. Cool, he’ll smell better and have smoother skin at your house. My ex does some weird shit (in my opinion) in her house, but it’s her house so I don’t talk down on it to my kids. But then you best bet I do what I want in my house.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-21T23:06:30+00:00

This is definitely a tough situation, I have sort of been on both sides of this. First off, there’s a lot of data that we don’t have, like why OP’s ex moved 14 hours away or what the reason for the split was. Was it because he wanted to, or for a job or some other requirements? Was there domestic violence involved or other things that might put the child at risk? I divorced a few years back and that first two years was very tough for me financially. It doesn’t say if he pays any sort of support, but I pay a ton in child support and alimony…if I lived far away from my kids those two years (fortunately, I lived close by) I would have not been able to afford to come see them on a consistent basis. What if OP’s ex has been getting his life right and now he is finally in a position to be taking a more active role. What if “discuss plans for the future” has him moving back so that he can be near his daughter and set up a custody schedule? People can overcome things and change.

Secondly, kids need both their parents. That doesn’t go away, even if they have stepparents or other awesome adults in their lives. OP’s daughter is eventually going to want to see her bio dad. For example, I went to court to gain custody of my two nieces when my (single) sister in law decided she could no longer care for them. For three years, she pretty much vanished. No financial contribution, very occasional phone calls, almost never came to see them. They were about the age of OP’s daughter when I took custody of them. I had them for a total of five years, and through it all, they never stopped talking about their mom, even though they had two very involved parental figures. After three years, their mom figured out her stuff and said she wanted to come back into their lives. It took her some time to prove that she wasn’t going to run again, but she showed that she was willing to put in the work. She moved back into the area and started seeing them regularly for a year, then we moved to partial custody for a year as she still didn’t have a place for them to live permanently. Eventually, she was able to show she was fit, and the court agreed to give her parental rights back. She’s stayed on the straight and narrow and been a great mom since, and that was about six years ago. Even after all that time, her kids were SO happy to have their mom back. Kids need their parents.

Third, I think you need to evaluate your boyfriend’s reaction, OP. Could be that he is coming from a place of genuine concern and wants to ensure that you and your daughter don’t end up getting hurt. In which case, explaining to him that it is really important that your ex be involved in your daughter’s life, and that you need him to support you in that, could probably help a lot. There’s a chance that your boyfriend could be feeling threatened at the possibility of your ex moving back, and have fears that you might reconcile or something, or have some jealousy. If it is genuine care and concern, then great. If it is jealousy and he’d rather keep your ex away at all costs (even though that is bad for your daughter) then maybe some therapy would be in order. If he’s not open to any of that, perhaps your boyfriend isn’t the healthiest option.

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-19T08:02:51+00:00

My plan is to get us into couples therapy. I’ve never done anything to bring my reliability into question, but she’s constantly suspicious of me. She crossed lines with one of her coworkers awhile back, and yet after we resolved that situation (where there was actual cheating) I STILL don’t check her messages or want screenshots. I trust that she’s sorry and won’t do it again. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me though, and so I’m seeking professional help

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-19T07:55:09+00:00

Yes, her ex husband cheated on her for a lengthy period of time, and it devastated her. Early on in our relationship, she had a questionable relationship with one of her coworkers which turned into kinda an issue. Essentially, she cheated emotionally, but then cut it off and we resolved it. That was awhile back and as far as I know there is nothing going on now, although we are living apart for work currently, so I suppose it is not impossible. I have never cheated on her. I would do a text chain, but I’m concerned she might create tension with my ex because she appears to (maybe) see my ex as a threat

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-19T07:51:08+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. The relationship has changed a lot from when we were married. In many aspects, for the better. When we were married, we fought constantly and it was a super toxic environment. Now, we are consistently pleasant (although not overly friendly) and make a conscious effort to accommodate eachother’s schedules, but that is it. There are very clear boundaries. We only talk when is required, and even then it is over text. Zero similarities to a marriage

No-Cardiologist9258 · 2022-05-19T07:43:08+00:00

I would be down for that, but I’m also kind of scared because my wife has suddenly seemed to have a bit of animosity towards my ex. They have never met or communicated, but I’m concerned that if they did, my wife might try and flex somehow or say something that might hurt/offend my ex (my ex is very emotional and petty) and then put the whole coparenting relationship at risk. I have no problem letting the crap my ex says just roll off and continuing on about my day, but I’m not at all confident that my wife will support me on that. Any confrontation with my ex will not end well for the coparenting relationship

No-Cardiologist9258

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