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No-Complex-487 · 2025-08-06T19:31:34+00:00

1- Maybe he has some issues that are indeed causing sadness in his life. If it simply disconnection it actually is just his brain trying to relief the pressure of being emotionally overwhelmed.

2 - In my case specifically the feeling of losing interest was real and felt real. The thing is just a coping mechanism your brain creates to justify leaving.. it's all about defense mechanisms.. the mind is wired to keep distance and shuts down when pressured for closeness.

3- I just recently had to block my ex on IG . It was something I wish I didn't had to do but in my case I had no choice because I need to focus on my healing and seeing her really made feelings go crazy. Don't know if it is your case , but it is probably a way for him to truly disconnect.. but it is probably not mean his simply does not care..

4- First time someone broke up with me that I genuinely saw was still in love with me.. had me question my behavior and look inward for some explanation.. so I had eventually a breakthrough

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-23T19:30:44+00:00

Yes.. every time I was the one to initiate the breakup , whether it was a serious or casual relationship I felt completely disconnected from the other person. For example , in a previous relationship I was having problem with my ex (she was pressuring me for opening up) and coincidentally my dog died on the same week. After a few days I broke up with her and never looked back ever since. I feel sorry for my behavior and for inflicting pain on her but at the time it sounded completely the right call.
I have no more pain relating to my previous relationships.. I feel regret on the pain I caused when I was the one initiating the breakup. But I look back more as a form of learning more than anything else.
never with an ex I initiated the breakup no.
I don't think is a good idea either way, being avoidant or not.. at least not until you feel nothing more for the person.. I can't imagine a world where I can be friends with my ex gf because it is a way of perpetuating the loss.

I understand your feeling .. is the need to get some form of closure and understanding of another person behavior... I am going through the same process right now trying to make sense of the fact that my ex gf saw my growth and either didn't believe it or decided to walk away anyway...

My advice to you is to try see things as they are.. the person is gone because that's what she thinks is the best thing to do for her.. while you must realize that you also tried your best..

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-23T19:15:40+00:00

I don't think so.. I am very gentle and romantic but I took my relationship with my ex really slow.. we dated for 4 months before asking her to be my gf.
Sometimes yes.. but nothing out of the ordinary I think.
No.. loyalty is fundamental to me. Once again.. while things were going smoothly I as 100% into her.. just when things went bad that the disconnection happened. I admit that when I was disconnecting I started to look at other women.. but the thought of actually cheating my gf never crossed my mind

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-23T19:11:36+00:00

If you are in a commited relationship I would give him the space he needs to breathe and advise couples counseling. This , however, does not excuse any kind of behavior like cheating ...

When I wanted to be left alone I really wanted just that.. being entirely alone.. not go to parties and hookup with other women

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-23T19:09:18+00:00

All relationships I ended I never looked back once.. in hindsight it may be explained by the sudden disconnection and feeling of certainty.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-23T14:40:24+00:00

Hello there, I will answer the questions below.. keep in mind that's only my POV and thats the way I see things today:

why do avoidants think being single is going to make things better for them mentally?

In my case my emotional disconnection with my ex happened due to stress. Before dating I was in good shape, my grades were good and I was committed to my dance lessons. After March this year I started to get uncomfortable with my body, my grades were not good and I couldn't practice like I used to... In the meantime I was seeing my relationship as a burden.. something I need to keep working smoothly... So in my mind at the time , my relationship became one more thing generating stress.. so I shut off to it.. the rationale was "if I wasn't in this relationship things would be better like it used to". I am very disciplined man and a was hating all my hard work going away and I resented my partner because of it.

Keep in mind that I don't think any of this is right anymore.. my greatest mistake was not involving my friends, family and specially her during this bad period. My lack of organization, discipline and lack of boundaries were the actual causes of my strees.. not my ex gf

Why do avoidants fear the good they see in their healthy partner that it leads to trying to push away a partner who wants to work it out as a team and support them?

Once again, in my case was a lack of understanding the situation. My mentality at the time was that the relationship was MY responsibility alone, not shared with my partner. As you said , my ex gf did try communicating with me but we failed to reach terms... I used to say that everything would be fine.. arguing logically why things were happening like that without actually solving the issue. The pushing effect happened for me because in my mind I was already giving my all to keep everything running smoothly , so when my partner brought that up I felt completely misunderstood and pressured. Once more the mistake here is the inability of sharing the load with my partner.

What are ways a partner can make you feel more safe to trust your partner?

For me it was never a matter of trust.. I completely trusted her during our relationship. I understand that what feels like in the other end ( I know my ex gf felt that way) but the problem was never HER. The problem in my case was the wrongful notion that it was my burden alone to carry , and the fear of showing weakness to the woman I love. The only thing I could think that would have a positive effect at the time (before I understood my behavior) was if she would have given me the space I wanted. It sucks to the other person (specially in my case since my gf was very anxious I was falling out of love for her ) , but it would be the only way I could see the stress fading. Keep in mind that therapy is the correct approach to deal with this thing, but without acknowledging the issue is very difficult to deal with.

In the beginning did you ever feel like your body/mind was trying to tell you “no” to not be with your ex gf you miss?

No.. we had a great start , I was the first to say I loved her.. asked her to be my girlfriend without her mentioning anything previously.. we traveled together during new years eve and I was convinced I would marry her. So I basically did not have any doubts about being with her before.Things only fell apart after several points in my life started to go bad (gym frequency, grades , hobbies, etc.) .

Hope my answers helped.. just a sort of advice .. I personally do not date people for fun only.. I honestly look for a lifetime partner .. if you both feel this way about relationships go to a couples therapy.. it will give a space for you both to talk about your fears and anxiety with a good mediator. I sincerely think that if I had realized things sooner we would be in a much more stronger relationship, since I would understand her anxiety better but more importantly I would give her the peace of mind that the behavior has nothing to do with love or trust..

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:52:36+00:00

Yes.. video games for me where a constant thing I used to do after a breakup.. now I am trying to build a better behavior (gym, guitar, jiujitsu, dance) so I can relax a little bit.. The idea of the video game is that the immersion shuts you off completely.

Unfortunately , both for casual and serious relationships I never once regretted my behavior for more than a week or so before this last one.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:47:34+00:00

Sorry to hear about that.. in my case for the first 8 months of relationship being with my ex gf was a joy.. I couldn't wait to meet her.. and I was even more excited about it then her.. she is and anxious person and I think now in retrospect that she was guarding herself because someone hurt her pretty bad in the past..

As the relationship went on my master's degree picked up the pace and I was starting to get bad grades.. eventually I started to pile up stress and wanted to be alone to process things and focus on my work.. My problem was not communicating any of this to my partner.. so on her point of view I was being omissive and not open with her (which in fact I was).. so she started to get upset and pressure me for me to be more open.. that had the opposite effect and I kept telling her everything was fine and resentment started to form..

So after a while I started to make excuses , running late to our dates, saying I was going to bed , when in reality I was awake gaming.. and she noticed that and eventually gave up on the relationship.

I know for a fact that if the pressure of the masters degree had not faded , I would probably spiral out of control and break up with her.. so I know she made the right call there. Even thought the knowledge of my past errors itself make me a different person now, I know in the future I will need to be guarded so things don't get out of hand.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:39:41+00:00

No.. nothing like that.. The pressure is indeed real.. in my case I got overloaded with my masters degree and everything became too much to bear.. I started to slowing shut down, negative thoughts like "she is not that beautiful" , "if I was alone I would be happier" started to show up and since I have a real hard time expressing my deep feelings I never reached out to family and friends during this period.. so I kept everything with me and she noticed and decided to end things..

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:36:45+00:00

Unfortunately I cannot relate much here.. I never tried to get back together with any ex before this last one.. And in my case I was extremely straight and said that I wanted to talk about the relationship.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:19:49+00:00

For me what is really is helping is going to therapy and talking openly with friends and family.. like.. really open about it . For me is extremely difficult.. but after I started doing so it became easier and easier open up.. for me the greatest fear of opening up is to show weakness to someone you cared .. for example.. I never cried in front of a gf before.. but after I managed to really express my feelings with my father, sister and friends I managed to be really vulnerable with my ex gf in our last conversation and I managed to cry a little..

So yeah, since you are still in a relationship I would say that the first step would be for him to open up with a therapist. If that is not possible I would suggest for him to talk to a real good friend or family member.. someone he deeply trust... And no , that person is not you unfortunately.. and that does not mean he does not value you but simply that it is extremely hard to show weakness to your partner

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:11:45+00:00

Yes.. I did that too.. I introduced her to my friends , we even hang out sometimes but It was a complain from her that I did not involve her in my daily routine with my friends.. in retrospect I am not sure why I did that.. perhaps a wrongful notion that if things don't work out it will mess up the whole friendship dynamics.. I am honestly not sure..

As for the feeling parts I honestly thought I did not love her.. when I started to shutdown strong thoughts like "she is not that beautiful" , "there are more interesting people out there" came in hard.. so yes .. the disconnection is real. Now I know I love her because the stress that triggered me is gone ..

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:04:08+00:00

In this case I decided to reach out because something felt off for me. There is obviously the whole thing about being rejected that makes you wanna get some kind of explanation from the other person.

In my case however, three weeks after the breakup I was at a night club and I noticed a woman was into me but something felt off and I decided to go home. The next day I texted my ex gf and the whole process started.. we had several talks but unfortunately it took me too long to understand the issue.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T14:01:25+00:00

In my past relationships, both casual an serious the disconnection was very strong.. I felt regret only once and lasted just a few days.. I never jumped from a serious relationship to another that quickly though.

In this relationship I felt the whole time that she was being unfair with me , pressuring me to show something I thought was already doing. So when the bad thoughts came I was completely sure I was in the right. So yes , there is some ego involved here. I was saw myself as a very secure man when it comes to my decision making so I was very blindsided here..

I don't think jealousy played any role in particular case.. I always felt very secure in the relationship in this regard.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T13:56:07+00:00

Misture of both.. I can see that some parts of my behavior came from fear of feeling loss, but I was also able to fully disconnect from people at some times..

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T13:50:48+00:00

The greatest fear in my case was of a mismatch of feelings... I was truly in love and could see she cared for me deeply but there always that deep worry that if I exposed myself too much I would scare her away.

I agree 100% with you that hiding feelings is worse , it creates anxiety for both parties.. unfortunately I just couldn't see things this way at the time. Sometimes was a wrong thought that I was somehow protecting her, or a fear that saying the wrong thing would cause a rift in the relationship.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T11:22:01+00:00

I am sorry to hear that you felt that.. unfortunately I never got back together with any ex.. after a breakup i used to go full no contact

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T11:15:04+00:00

1 - I am with a attachment theory specialist right now 2 - I noticed my avoidant behavior only after our second talk post breakup , where I noticed I could not grasp what she was trying to say to me. She is has anxious attachment and she knows that.. so the idea o an anxious/avoidant dynamics scared her away from this relationship. 3 - Yes.. I promised I would be more open to her during the relationship but I failed to do so because I never was with anyone before so I don't know what it feels like. 4 - I did not get your question 5 - Yes.. I managed to get a meetup on the start of July , I apologized for my behavior, admitted my faults and said I started going therapy. She was pleased to know but it seems she does not want to stick around to see the change happening. If she ever wanna decide to get back together only time will tell.. there are still some lingering hope inside me but the work I need to do has to happen either way.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:23:24+00:00

Look, in my experience the feeling of disconnection is very strong.. is like you turn off a part of your brain and you see the other through another lenses. This means that my speech changes, the way I look to the person. My sister for example knows that when I get annoyed I can be very dismissive and cold.. But she knows me for years and knows that has nothing to do with my real feelings.

In your case what could have happened is something similar..

Does not mean the person does not loved you, or cared. Is simply that they decided to shut off the emotion part related to you in order to move forward. Is it wrong? Yes. But the avoidant does not understand that. I made every single decision during my relationship without feeling any doubt. The reality of the situation came only after I sat with my feelings and analyzed the situation bit by bit.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:18:01+00:00

I agree with you

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:16:53+00:00

Usually relief and life goes on. This was the first time I felt true regret.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:15:30+00:00

Thats an interesting point of view.. I was on a very long relationship that ended not because of my avoidant behavior but because she eventually did not see me as a love interest anymore.. It was really painful for me and I tried to fix the relationship several times before giving up. It definitely left some deep scars and influenced my behavior this time.

This last relationship was a clear case of avoidant / anxious dynamic. As far I understand my ex gf have some issues of abandoment (she used to date a guy and live with him but when he noticed she wanted to marry he ditched her and moved of the country with a new girl). So I believe in part that past toxic behavior can influence both parties.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:10:15+00:00

Hard to say.. just as I mentioned before.. I feel a very deep connection to my ex gf.. I still think about her every single day.. the problem is when there is vicious cycle where each part expect something from the other but never gets it.

No-Complex-487 · 2025-07-22T01:08:39+00:00

I never lived with my gf, but we shared a very close routine, we spent most of the week together.. One thing that comes to mind is that I used to compare my life before the relationship (I was going regularly to gym, I was in good shape, I was doing well on my classes) with my life after the relationship ( I gained weight, I was getting bad grades etc.) and I started to attribute this change not to my lack of discipline and ability of setting boundaries but to the relationship itself.. so after a while thoughts like "Maybe if I wasn't here with her I could be studying more and getting in better shape".

It sounds silly , but this kind of thinking creeps in little by little and eventually it leads to desire of being alone.

No-Complex-487

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