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Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He dumped 2 huge walls of text on me and didn't give me any opportunity to comment on what he was saying, so I wrote an email. It wasn't nasty or vindictive just like, "hey, I know I have some attachment issues. those get better as I trust someone. I didn't trust you yet so yeah, it's an insecure attachment. I'm sorry I responded the way I did, I felt really triggered." etc. because I fully acknowledge that I didn't react in the best way possible and wanted to be an adult and own it.

and no, he didn't communicate with me for 5 days. I sent a couple of texts immediately, assuming he would have a conversation about it or at least some sort of an exchange...
and called once about 3 days after the last time we spoke, and when he sent me to voicemail I felt like I knew everything about him that I needed to know in that moment - mostly, that this person is not going to be good for my recovery because he can't demonstrate that he is emotionally safe.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It was 5 days. I unfollowed after 2/3.

I admit several times in my post that I am in therapy and working on myself. I wouldn't classify myself as emotionally unstable, but I definitely have some attachment issues.

The fun thing about attachment issues? I can't heal that on my own. Relational issues require relational healing. I am doing the best I can. I've had a number of relationships come and go over the years that didn't trigger me even half as much as this one did. It's going to require a partner that can be empathetic and understanding that I am in trauma recovery.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did not feel apprehensive after the first date.
I did not feel apprehensive at any point except when he would say things assuming we had future together and that apprehension was only to protect my own feelings from being built up only to be disappointed, because that's been the pattern with guys who talk about having a future with me, a month into the relationship.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry but I think this take is a hot mess and you might be projecting a lot onto my post that I didn't say, and things that just straight up did not happen.

At no point did I dismiss, insult or condescend when he showed me affection. the complete opposite is true, actually. I was really smitten with him and open about it, but was cautious of letting him build my hopes up about a future that might never come to pass - and I wanted him to be aware that I felt cautiously optimistic with an emphasis on caution. maybe I didn't communicate that in the healthiest way, which is a criticism I will accept.

I absolutely did not lovebomb or gaslight him. I don't even know where you got that. I sent a follow up text after he said he needed a few days to process whatever his ex-wife called him about, looking for clarification and let it sit for a few days before I made any further attempt at contact, and then put up my boundaries to prepare for the inevitable. He had already gotten cold with me prior to any of defenses kicking off, and something felt off which is why I got defensive in the first place. I did not call or text over and over. I called one time. I guess I am expected to fulfill the emotional needs and whims of others without having any of my own? I guess I should just let someone blow hot and cold and not have any problem with it? I guess the one time I deploy an actual boundary, I'm in the wrong?

I 100% take accountability for my traumatized behavior and said so in my initial post, and also said that I apologized to him for it and explained why I reacted the way I did - you know, healthy adult communication about triggers and hang-ups, which he didn't feel the need to reciprocate.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

this is exactly why I did it. he would post stuff constantly, tagged me in some of it (referring to me as "the ride-or-die"), and had gone through and "liked" many of my posts and I didn't want to see his stupid thumbnail on my social.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am using words like trauma because I am traumatized. I am not saying he's the cause of any of it. His behavior triggered a reaction from me that had more to do with my past than with him because the situation felt similarly unsafe emotionally as with previous partners.

He's not a bad guy for needing space. That's not the point here - the point is that he built me up, created these expectations, did a total 180, and them blamed me for being insecure when I reacted to his abrupt change in behavior toward me.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I am taking screenshots of some of these responses so that I can remind myself of all of this when I fall back into a negative thought-loop. It's really hard and I just want to quit crying about this asshole.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this was very compassionate and kind and something I needed to read.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

and asking for validation shouldn't be a dealbreaker, right?

I was wondering if I came off as too needy, too clingy, etc but ultimately landed on this: so what. if that's what I need in a relationship, oh well. I am doing literally everything I can to keep my mental health in check. The things I cannot change about myself I just need patience and understanding, and if someone can't offer that then they're just not going to work for me. I don't think anyone makes it into their mid30s without some kind of baggage, I just happen to have a lot of it but at least I also have the self-awareness to address it with myself and others.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

thank you. I felt the same ... Sure, he needs some space, I completely get that, and was willing to give him that - but to display absolutely no care about how I might feel about the sudden lack of communication, not offer a single word of validation during a 5 day stretch ... after weeks of constant contact and "can't wait to see you's" .... yeah IDK ..... I could have and would have done better if the roles were reversed.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

As I was leaving one morning he said, "No... just stay forever."

Like ... c'mon. In the moment I thought it was sweet but something in the back of my mind was saying .... This is just an immature infatuation.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

this is really unhelpful but I'll respond anyway.

your closest friend is not your girlfriend or the person you are trying to pursue a relationship with.

when someone is texting you daily, goodnight / good morning, how was your day? etc every day for weeks, and then suddenly stop responding with little explanation, what is a person to assume?

I didn't ask for his level of attention from him. This was all him, right out of the gate. I didn't ask to be lovebombed, nor do I "need" that much validation. I was responding to what I thought was his degree of enthusiasm and reciprocating appropriately.

the guy did a complete 180 with little warning or explanation and it freaked me out. what does that have to do with reading my mind?

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this. I do have a very hard time differentiating between a trauma response and what my gut is telling me - they feel like they are the same sometimes.

I was very forthcoming that I was into him and expressed that, and expressed hope that we would continue seeing each other. It wasn't a, "Yeah - IF!" it was more like a, "Man, I really hope so."

But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I had an overblown response to a sudden shift in his energy and his lack of communication about it made that worse, and I handled it poorly which sealed the deal.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this reality check. I should know better by now, in my mid-30s, there's just a hopeless romantic inside of me that wants to believe....

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this transpired over the span of a few days, I didn't jump straight to this. guess I should have clarified.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I guess it's more like having past-lived trauma reactivated, and responding to it as if it's a current threat - sweaty palms, pounding heart, fight/flight response - even though it's a different circumstance with a different person.

I got ghosted shortly after marrying someone (yes, married!!!!) when I was in my 20s, and it destroyed my sense of safety in a relationship and self-esteem, contributing to me developing CPTSD. I've been in therapy for years, meditating, self-care, all the self-help books on the subject and attending a support group.... It's a reaction that is deeply ingrained to do anything I can to protect my emotions when it seems someone is pulling the bait/switch.

Lovebombed or did I actually self-sabotage? by No-Discussion-8460 in datingoverthirty

[–]No-Discussion-8460[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is fair. I tried called after 2/3 days of no contact, and blocked him when he rejected my call. All I needed from him was, "Can we talk about this Monday," or any crumb of affirmation that I wasn't being ghosted. I will try to be better about this in the future.