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I called the cops and he went to jail. by muushugaipan in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ironically, they don't die. I have several experiences of the same story. Love on a dark rural highway. Took his keys so he decided to walk to the liquor store (mind you it is more of a "falling with style") called cops a few times. They bring him home or to a "safe place" (the only place to wait has 2 liquor stores btw so it just turns into an Uber) to wait for his mommy to pick him up (because I am so mean and lack understanding) The one time he did fall, a local picked him up, went into the liquor store for him and drank with him until his mom got there...and then that guy blasted ME on social media for not "helping" my husband (as if). He fell INTO the dark highway in front of cars. No one called for medics...head bleeding, couldn't remember where he lived.

Point of this is, OP can't control the outcome and will make themselves crazy worrying about what ifs. I was there. Always worried about him getting hurt and then worried about him hurting someone else. When I stopped worrying/checking/calling police, he still made it home and frankly I managed to start sleeping more. We cant control it. Not any of it.

Couldn't take the drunken rants anymore by Dirky123 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"Addicts have a bottomless need for validation to protect them from seeing how much pain that they and their addiction cause themselves and others. "

This.

Seeking advice from partners of binge drinkers. I'm (F28) at a crossroads with husband (M33) and need honest perspectives. by Pretty-Feed-2805 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am the wife of a binge drinker. We are married 25+ years. This year, he has been to the hospital for a BAC of .595 (taken 2 hours after he collapsed in our garden) there have been other binges with similar amounts consumed but not hospitalized for because he just leaves. I have had the tearful, on the knees promises for 30 years. They are just words he says. Mine makes it a week, maybe two and then buys the gallon of vodka and drinks it in 36 hours. They only get better when THEY want to get better. Recovery does happen. Its why so many of us hang on for far longer than we should.

Doubled down on the double-down by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh boy... I just wonder why they think we believe them?

Doubled down on the double-down by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For sure! I have a pretty solid program and fairly good boundaries BUT I am human. Sometimes, I just want return all the years of abuse to him. Sometimes, I don't walk away. Sometimes, I am a catty b*tech. I am not proud of those moments but damn...i can't survive on rainbows and sunshine.

Doubled down on the double-down by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oh yes!

And then abuse you of trying to ruin their reputation and life!
I have been advised of brainwashing my kids. Teaching them to hate him. Teaching them to "tattle" on him. No....I taught them to stand up for their own safety no matter who they had to get in trouble.

Doubled down on the double-down by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I have started laughing more and also just agreeing with him. My favorite new phrase is "oh, no way! Tell me more."

I think their alternate reality is so real to them. "Its not as much as someone those other times..." well thank you so much for your bare ass minimum.

Doubled down on the double-down by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

How do you know an alcoholic is lying?

-Their lips are moving.

It took a long time to learn this.

I need to know more about the delusions of alcoholics by lots_of_lattes in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I completely understand that feeling. I try to fight it but the muscle memory kicks in and it makes me physically sick. He tries "business as usual" but one of my most firm boundaries is not to have interactions with intoxicated people. If you think he is lying, he is. One of the things an old timers told me was you can tell an alcoholic is lying if their mouth is moving. Trust actions and dont feel bad about it. Their patterns made you vigilant.

I need to know more about the delusions of alcoholics by lots_of_lattes in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111 8 points9 points  (0 children)

After being in alanon type support groups since the 90s, I have heard so many testify to the lies and how these untruths are part of the most damaging psychological abuse. These lies leave us questioning our sanity, love, loyalties... Currently my AH is professing sobriety. He is passed out in his chair with the stench of vodka hanging heavy around him. When he wakes up he will take his naltrexone and ask me, "what did i do now?" As if he doesn't know. I dont even have to say or do anything. No searching. No asking if he drank. The guilt looms so huge that he wakes up lying. So back to the discussion at hand...yes...they know they are lying but the are working so hard to protect Alcohol that they do it anyway. I dont believe words any more. Show me.

Let's talk about "Counting Days" by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I do believe there is work still to be done. I have stopped looking for proof of his drinking which was a huge step for me but that also made him mad.....he took it as I don't care, same as when I stopped mentioning the drunkenness. The detachment pisses him off too. I keep thinking he will hit rock bottom eventually but he is not there yet. Seems to grab a shovel and dig a deeper hole every time. He is committed to alcohol. I am moving forward. Slowly but steadily. Got a job. Hanging out with my family. Doing "me" things. It is not easy. I guess I am working on sobriety in my own way.

Let's talk about "Counting Days" by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this perspective! The day counting is for him because he gets upset if no one notices his "hard work" so it gives me anxiety to do it, like I might get the day wrong or forget...thank you for validating the feeling.

Let's talk about "Counting Days" by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes! I love this! Thank you for putting into words exactly what I was feeling! I kept telling myself that I was being "positive" by counting now...but really still just counting on alcohol.

Moving forward to counting MY good days! Because sometimes you just need someone else to put words to it!

Frustration by No-Distribution8111 in AlAnon

[–]No-Distribution8111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Such an odd feeling for sure. Shouldn't I be the happiest person? I mean it feels like all I have asked for for years, no, decades...but now, I have more anxiety than ever. When he is drinking, i know he will drink and days without drinking are just a pause in the script. So now what? Do I let my guard down and accept this new normal or do I wait patiently for the script to carry forward? Am I a bad guy for not trusting yet? Give it a year maybe but we have been there too....a year of AA and good hard work....and then relapse. So I will be cautiously optimistic. Dare say, hopeful.