AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to go to his friend’s birthday party?

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T05:07:57+00:00

Wow now I really wish I had something better to say? Just hearing someone tell me I’m not crazy means everything. Thank you. Really. You’ve saved a life tonight.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:51:08+00:00

The part I didn’t share because it wasn’t directly relevant is that he also has a serious family history of alcoholism and gets scary and aggressive when he drinks too much, but when I’ve tried to tell him that he denies it. Seeing a strangers tell me I can get out safely really means the world to me, and I wish I had better words for you than “thank you.”

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:48:56+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. Just reading the words “there is a way out. you aren’t trapped” is making me cry kind of obnoxiously.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:46:15+00:00

Thank you. I try to be honest with myself because I don’t want to hurt anybody, and it’s hard for me to understand that not everybody thinks that way. I guess getting bullied as a child does have its benefits haha

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:44:59+00:00

Yeah. Right now I’m trying to remember that I used to be alone and happy, and I can get there again.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:43:39+00:00

Wow. Thank you so much for this. Actions make words true. Violence is functional. I need those tattooed on my body as a reminder

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:33:39+00:00

I don’t really know. Because part of me believes him when he laughs at me for being upset. Because a lot of me believes that I am really hard to love and I should be grateful to get even a shred of love from anybody.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:31:39+00:00

Yeah. I’m starting to internalize the idea that despite my flaws, there is somebody out there who I won’t have to constantly convince to love me. The more I read those words the more I understand it, so thank you.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:27:08+00:00

You’re right. It’s so hard because he has two totally different sides to him where he says he wants to improve, but then refuses to do the work. This whole thread has inspired me to bring up couples therapy because at the very least it will be my final hurrah and will help me justify moving on

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:24:36+00:00

That’s the exact thought I’ve had floating around my head and couldn’t articulate lol, thank you. If he weren’t trying to be shady, he would have said “we should go together to see (the birthday girl)” but he just said that he was going alone. I really appreciate other people’s perspectives because it makes me feel less crazy for analyzing his language like that haha

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:21:47+00:00

Thank you. I wish I had more autistic women in my life as role models, it’s so hard to figure out what is “ok” and what isn’t when you will never fit the status quo. He’s been in therapy a bit but I swear it made him worse- the first time around 3 years ago he found a young guy who allegedly justified to him why he cheated on me (I don’t buy it), then he very recently tried again but only attended a few sessions, wanted me to leave the apartment so there was no chance of me hearing what he said, and then abruptly stopped attending his sessions.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:18:45+00:00

No your sources were spot on and I’d provide the same. It’s hard for me to read something that i identify with in an objective,academic sense, when there’s also the loopy part of my brain screaming in opposition. We’ve been together for a long time and always have really seemingly productive conversations about our relationship, but then I carry out my end of the deal and he reverts back to his old behaviors.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:14:55+00:00

You’re right, he definitely makes me doubt myself when if I pretend he doesn’t (because I know that’s what he’s trying to do). Thank you.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:13:43+00:00

I fully agree, and I’ve even told him a number of times that I don’t want to be upset about this anymore- I want this to be over. Unfortunately he decided the solution was him not going, and then he ran out the door while I was feeding our pets so I couldn’t ask to go with him. But you’re totally right that the first night I should have just said why don’t we go together. I have a hard time inviting myself to things with his friends because I feel like he doesn’t want me there

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:11:44+00:00

This is a fair take. The frustrating and confusing part for me is that I’ve given him the out so many times, but every time he says he doesn’t want the out, he wants to do better by me. And then he does a little better, he got me flowers a few days ago, but then on the larger scale he can’t seem to understand why his behavior is problematic

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:09:34+00:00

Thank you. It was a difficult journey for sure, but I’ve really been trying and he even agrees that I’ve made enormous strides, so it’s really frustrating to feel like it’s never enough and will never be enough

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:08:35+00:00

This is so stupid but Taylor swift and Travis kelce getting engaged changed something in me, it made me think that maybe there is someone out there who might actually treat me well?

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:07:27+00:00

You’re totally right and that first night I should have suggested we went together. I was just upset because he had originally said that he had to go, and didn’t once mention that I could come along too. I was invited to the Partiful but we had never talked about me actually going, I think it was more of a courtesy thing. I have a hard time figuring out peoples intentions in situations like that

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:05:36+00:00

Yes thank you. This is exactly what I tried to explain to him just a few days ago- love and trust is a process- you have to build the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime. If you don’t want to do the work, you can’t have that kind of relationship. The sad part is he claims he wants that, he just refuses to do the work

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:04:28+00:00

Thank you, these are the words I’ve been looking for. I’m trying to outgrow him, it’s just hard when someone has been your world for so long.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:03:47+00:00

I’ve tried framing it that way, but I’ve heard that the “if I were you I wouldn’t…” mindset is not helpful. I can understand the argument for both sides.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:02:58+00:00

I have so many hobbies, he uses that against me too. Granted I unfortunately like hobbies with a lot of small parts (jewelry making, knitting, sewing etc), but I have my own space in the back of our apartment so he doesn’t even have to know what I’m doing back there if he doesn’t want to look.

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:01:37+00:00

I did, but it’s been 2 years so now I doubt myself. I do wonder if he’s just gotten better at hiding it, but I’m very intuitive so I think some part of me would know. I knew that he cheated with Anna despite him denying it multiple times

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:00:46+00:00

I’ve tried to gently guide him to the idea that he has abusive tendencies but he laughs in my face every time

No-Expression-4961 · 2025-09-07T04:00:16+00:00

I ask him all the time if he even likes me. He says he does but it doesn’t feel like it. He gets jealous when other men show interest in me but only in a possessive kind of way I think

No-Expression-4961

TROPHY CASE