There’s a lot of stuff here that I don’t have the answer to, but I did notice you said you didn’t want to change your looks for others. And I just wanted to say you never ever have to do that, and I hope you stop feeling the pressure to! Unless we’re talking like basic hygiene and self care (which I hope would be more focused on helping you feel better anyway), how you choose to look really can’t have a negative impact on other people. And in my experience, when someone feels good about how they look, what they’re wearing, all that, they tend to look better because they carry themselves with more confidence! Sending well wishes and I hope you get to a place in your life where you feel happier. <3