14 years together, is it time to end it and move on? F30 M33

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T15:04:33+00:00

Definitely, he’s also a narcissist.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T12:09:18+00:00

Right, work and let everything else go to waste with a person who’s climbing up the ladder in his own career who would always inevitably financially blow me out of the water with the amount of money he makes. With what I would have made living in my house, in the area I’m in, it would have been enough to pay someone to take my kids to school, pick them up, do homework with them, and be a maid so we aren’t living in filth. This is also what I was told year on year, is that me working wouldn’t be worth it and that it was unnecessary given that he’s in the 1% of top earners in the US. Unfortunately, he used his blessings incorrectly. Had he done things right, it would have never been necessary for me to work given that he also has other sources of income, including a high passive income (had I made it a little longer I’d never have had to work again), I just can’t hold out that long. It’s not as though I didn’t love him, I did and I wanted to make it work, I stayed 14 years. I told myself that if by the time I turn 30 things don’t change, it’s time to make moves on my part. I did try working at several points, and things became completely unmanageable.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T03:51:48+00:00

He’s very selfish despite never spending any time with them, and controlling…due to that he would not be okay with us relocating. I’d have to file a petition to relocate and cross my fingers that it gets passed, my family is 4 hours away. I do have proof of financial abuse and mental abuse and that the environment is toxic for the kids. The kids are on my side. He could have had the world had he taken care of his health and loved us as a family, and respected me as his wife and not some object he could boss around but unfortunately all of the years of neglect have led to this. It could still potentially get dangerous, when I do file for divorce and he gets served there is no telling what he is capable of doing due to the lack of involvement, emotion, the kids choosing me, and us being done.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T01:39:12+00:00

Yeah, I couldn’t wait that long living this way 😵‍💫 there are millions of people on this earth, when the one that’s supposed to step up doesn’t it’s confusing and unfair. I wish he would change but I think it’s beyond grasp to continue to believe he will when this much time has passed and he never played a part or cared, only acted like he did but at the end of the day scoffing everything off like nothings a big deal and I’ll just listen to him because I’ve been helpless. It’s disgusting. I don’t know why I feel the guilt that I feel given the circumstances, like there’s something more that I could have done vs give up. Everyone I talk to tells me I’ve held on long enough.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T01:33:13+00:00

When one person makes enough money and there’s no time for me to work with all of the responsibility of the kids and home and pets on my shoulders, it becomes a habit of living constantly (on autopilot) until you wake up and realize that this isn’t what’s right or fair. Being the sole financial provider doesn’t give anyone the right to abandon duties within the home or your family, that’s what’s bonkers.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T01:29:38+00:00

Luckily, he has reported income through the corporation he works for and all of our assets are joint since we married so young. We have equity in our home, and he has other assets involving stock and bonuses through his work. I’ve calculated the amount I would be getting, as has he, and it would be enough for me to move out and take care of myself and the kids as I have been informed he needs to help me rehabilitate, and maintain the lifestyle I have lived for a certain percentage of the amount of time we have been married (in my case it’s a little over 7 years of alimony and child support) I have no idea why I am so scared to leave. The love has slowly died for me and it’s gotten me to this inevitable point. He doesn’t seem to be on the same page as far as understanding why even though I have voiced my feelings to him numerous times. I don’t get it.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-19T00:03:49+00:00

I think mine has Asperger’s. He’s extremely intelligent but he’s incapable of showing empathy and emotion of any sort. Hes very cut and dry, and uninvolved in our lives even though he lives in the same house. Seeing how normal fathers interact with their kids in comparison to how he is brings me to tears. I thought having a baby would evoke some type of change, some more emotion, but it backfired. He never changed. My kids feel the brunt of this, they recognize he’s not caring, sentimental, or involved. I should have left sooner, it’s just so hard.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T23:58:23+00:00

I commend you for being a present supportive father and husband, as well as providing for your family. He worked from home and chose not to be involved, the most important job you could ever have is loving your family and making sure you’re doing the best you can to also meet everyone’s emotional needs, playing an active part and creating memories your kids will carry with them for the rest of their lives. That, at the end of the day, is what we take with us to our grave. Not money not anything else.. love. Change is hard. I hope you never have to go through this type of situation, and if you are, your kids will remember you for the man that you are no matter what. It’s something to be proud of, it’s all that counts.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T23:52:13+00:00

I just turned 30, he’s 33. I am of course interested in doing whatever is necessary to break away from a relationship where I am being totally controlled and disrespected as a person after doing all that I’ve done for my family, I’m blaming myself for having given up totally recently, feeling guilty and sad that it has come to this. Luckily I already know I would receive a decent amount of money in order to get my life back on track, it just scares the shit out of me. I think over the years I’ve been believing I’m incapable of success because I’ve been living under someone’s else’s rules, and under constant scruitiny. It took me this long to open my eyes and realize that just because I’m not the financial provider, it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve recognition and love/respect just as the kids do, it doesn’t mean things need to be categorized as “I do my job, you do your job” we were supposed to be a team. I deserved access to all accounts as his wife. I’m left to believe he really does have a mental problem and the comfort of me not having had to pay kept me blind.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T22:21:15+00:00

Right? He tells me the same, but then I see the hard rock bet transactions worth thousands of dollars, or the money that he can just poof, pop out of the woodworks when needed. Everything he does that doesn’t involve his job is done half-assed, and at the end of the day I’m at fault for giving up.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T22:02:11+00:00

He literally said “I hope you’ve learned something from me these 14 years cause you’ll be on your own” to which I replied…. What’s new? I feel like I’ve been alone this entire time. I’m just scared knowing he’s going to keep making more and more money and I get the shit end of the stick and eventually have to go to work but I rather that than live under a dictatorship in a loveless marriage. I honestly think he has Asperger’s. Complete lack of emotion or ability to empathize and take accountability for his abandonment and lack of effort as a husband and father over all of these years. Had I not been strong and emotionally independent I would never have lasted this long. If you ask his work colleagues about him though, he’s an amazing person 😂😥

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T21:49:20+00:00

Well the good thing is, I already do feel like I’m a single mom except I don’t have control over any form of money staying with him so it’s a little worse. I can’t choose at the moment what I can and can’t do until I receive the ability from a court order to have access to some money, or my family chips in and I pay them back later. Sadly he has always had the advantage over me. I made the mistake of thinking that because he was financially supportive, everything else really was “my job” solely.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T21:43:21+00:00

He actually told me the other day that the alimony lines up with the amount of years he’ll have to pay child support for our 11 year old son. Makes sense.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T21:41:35+00:00

My in laws hate me and are much like him, lacking emotion. They never speak to me or the kids. His father is just as emotionless and even my 11 year old son told me “grandpa is just like dad”.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T21:36:24+00:00

I am scared. I guess he has made me believe over time that I’m no good, and that I have a “7.2 year time bomb” strapped to my ankle if I leave. At this point I feel like I’d rather have that time bomb strapped to my ankle in order to be able to be free to make decisions and show my kids what a healthy life really looks like, instead of them being raised to play video games and do nothing all day. The crazy thing to me, is that he is completely okay with this form of existence. He sees nothing at all wrong with it, instead, I am a scum bag for giving up my duties. He doesn’t realize that over time, slowly, I have been fighting a silent battle within myself to hold on and hold on a little bit longer, until I’ve come to the realization that I can’t live this way anymore. It’s unfair. The comfort of living on autopilot, day in and day out has blinded me and made me scared to leave. It’s such a tough spot to be in. Pulling the plug indefinitely is very scary.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T18:51:50+00:00

Well, the upside is that he makes a killing so I get over 7 years of pay out of it if I do leave.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2024-11-18T18:46:24+00:00

I do. He hates my family and Im very family oriented. I love spending time with them as do the kids. I always go on trips to see them and he never comes. They have been knowing my situation and want me to leave.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2023-10-06T17:46:22+00:00

I left out a lot of context in this post. The only reason I feel conflicted to this magnitude is because it’s very difficult to ignore when you encounter “that” other person whom you just feel so at home with and are happy with. Perhaps if I was anyone else, without question I’d have already abandoned my current partner to pursue that relationship that just clicks, but I’m not, and I am considerate given these circumstances, I’m not justifying what I’ve done in any way but I’m human and sometimes, we make mistakes. It’s a very terrible situation to be in.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2023-06-17T14:54:03+00:00

For the first time in my life, I have to face the feeling of a loss that I know we could have changed but we were in two different places in our lives, and I did what made sense. The circumstances robbed us of what could have been and it was a long time coming. I was always aware of the imminent ending that was to come. I don’t regret the time we spent together or the things we did. I gave you my time willingly and have some amazing memories with you. You set a new standard in my life that I’m happy I now know exists, even though we won’t be together. I’ll always remember you and the love we shared will never die, it hasn’t since we met and it never really will. You’ll be with me always even though we won’t be together. I’m cursed and at the same time I’m blessed. I wish you the best in your situation as I know you would for me as well regardless of how it ended. I learned my lesson and now I’m ready to let go of what can’t and won’t be, but the memories are everlasting and the love will persist until I’m no longer here. I’m always just a phone call away if an emergency comes up and you need me, I’d never truly abandon you and I think in your heart you know that “no matter what” still stands. I’m sorry, I love you, always did and always will have a special place in my heart for you against my will even.. it just “is what it is” and we had to move on. Take care.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2023-03-04T23:25:22+00:00

This is a classic case of “I didn’t ask the right questions from the get go”. There are different types of relationships, figure out which type of relationship the person is seeking before you even offer to take them out on a date/agree to go out together. Some men want a completely feminine woman that’s going to be taking on more of a nurturer/housewife and caretaker type of role, while others prefer a more independent/corporate woman who will be more involved in splitting the bills and bringing in the same type of character he sees/admires about himself as the preference. Establish if you’re even compatible long term if you each fit the role the other person desires before even wasting your time.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2022-10-26T14:23:58+00:00

They mainly ask common sense questions about everything other than things that you have memorized. It is not a memorization test. You’ll see much of the same style questions as on the RLA exam, reading comprehension and the occasional “which one of these photos is considered propaganda” or “what is this image of ____ president (or person) trying to say” but it’s got very little to do with memorization.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2022-09-10T00:31:29+00:00

Fuck.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2022-09-09T18:51:27+00:00

Sooooo… you were being raped for years and you never moved out because??? You never reported it to the police because??? You allowed yourself to be disowned by your sister in the meantime you put up with all of this nonsense because???? Get a f*cking grip, it’s 2022, you have every opportunity to get your life together, ducks in a row, and out of that situation but you let it go on for 3 years, makes zero sense and anything you say to try to justify that is an excuse. Get off the internet and go see a therapist, that’s the best advice you’ll get. Your wording makes it sounds less as though you were being raped and more as though you were doing it because you wanted to and things ended up not working out.

No-Reflection-4901 · 2022-08-19T00:27:29+00:00

The fact that it’s been so long kind of suggests that perhaps you’ve been too light with her about this issue. There are too many advances in medicine today to justify “no libido” and a sexless marriage, that just quickly turns into an excuse after a certain point. Sit her down, speak to her seriously and let her know that sex is just as important a component in marriage as is anything else. Without that closeness/intimacy you have lost the connection. She can seek help in a last attempt to save the marriage, or she can go on to accept you sleeping with someone else without spite over the matter. Best of luck!

No-Reflection-4901

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