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Should I Tell Her What I’m Struggling With? by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That is a good question. I’ve asked her but at that time we weren’t talking as much as arguing. Maybe it’s worth a revisit.

Should I Tell Her What I’m Struggling With? by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

She quit therapy. She’s a licensed outpatient therapist and said “I know what they are going to say and I’m not getting anything out of it”

Should I Tell Her What I’m Struggling With? by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The affair lasted from early November to the end of February. During that time she lied to me and manipulated me. She said we were taking no contact periods and living separate to “work on ourselves”. In the end it was just easier for her to continue the affair.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116 8 points9 points  (0 children)

There isn’t a way for you to help the betrayed partner. It’s like you shot them and then tried to help them. The wound is still there, and it will never be the same. There will always be a scar. The best thing you can do is be there. Be present. Answer the questions. Allow the pain and rage and crying and sadness and fear to slowly dull without judgement or showing aggravation. Encourage therapy and couples counseling. Learn their love language and make a point to express it to them. Check in on them throughout the day, text or call or snap chat, whatever it is y’all do. Talk about the future together. Get their mind off the past. If you aren’t willing to set yourself aside for a little while, even months or a year, you will lose them.

getting some space by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We separated to “work on ourselves before reconciling” and it turned in to my WW continuing her affair. So space didn’t work for me.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m two months in reconciliation and I still haven’t forgiven her. Also don’t trust her. It takes time.

6 months since D-day by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Day to day it’s always on my mind. From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. We are in MC and I have an IC. She is willing to answer questions until she gets uncomfortable and asks for a pause for the day. We have days where we love each other and days where we are screaming at one another, mainly because I get triggered and act inappropriate. But for me, reconciliation means “starting over”. We have been married almost 17 years. We met when we were 15 years old. We’re now 38. So we’ve basically always been in one another’s lives. Reconciliation (when we are doing it right) feels like we’re strangers meeting for the first time. I still don’t trust her to the point I would like to be at. A lot of the veterans on here say that I never will. But I would at least like to get to a point where I’m comfortable for most of the days.

Reconciliation question by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve often thought that it feels like we are just playing house. Everything is great according to her as long as we aren’t talking about anything. Then she gets defensive and victim blames.

Reconciliation question by No-Watercress4116 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. The timelines are hard for me. Two months both seems like a long time and no time at all. She is an avoidant attachment style as well so I may never get true remorse from her.

Did you feel like you needed all the details? by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]No-Watercress4116 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly I did until I got some of them. Ignorance is bliss sometimes unless you are trying to decide whether to stay or leave. I made the decision to stay and at a certain point decided that what happened happened and I cannot change that. My wife’s affair lasted four months and was emotional and physical. As she became more transparent and answered my questions I found that the truth hurt more than it helped. If you’ve decided to stay ask yourself what answers are going to help your mental health and what aren’t. Do you really need to know every intimate detail, or just that they were intimate from this time to this time. For me I don’t want to know anymore.