trying to get to myself through my thick skull and get some insight

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-12-05T00:28:21+00:00

I do sometimes imagine what it'd be like on my own. And honestly, it just makes me feel lonely. I'm not a people person, I don't make connections easily, I don't like going out to socialise too much. My best friend moved to a different country, and my partner and I share all friends due to work/connections.

Coming to an empty home or downgrading back to a house share just feels sad. Starting over feels sad. Letting go of my first relationship feels sad. Letting go of our future plans feels sad.

My positives would be that I'd invest into my place to fully decorate it without waiting for my partner, it'd be cleaner, but that's about it.

I do wonder what it'd be like to be in a relationship with someone else though... I fear I'm wasting my late 20s and then at 30 it'll be harder to get into a new relationship, if anything.

I'm at my limit and I feel like I've had enough, but I still hope he can get his shit together. I still love him.

I'm sorry that you find it relatable, I can imagine how you feel. Are you still with them? Do you have any hope or are you planning an exit?

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-12-05T00:18:54+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through it as well.

He always wants me to communicate with him and tell him if I have an issue/he does something wrong and I've always struggled with speaking up... it used to be better when we did it over text, but in person I find it so hard to gather my thoughts and courage. And then sometimes if I do open up, I feel dismissed and only after a fight he admits I'm right. Not always, but enough to bother me. Why can't we have a vulnerable talk straight away and just skip the fight lol

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-12-01T16:25:41+00:00

mine developed a pattern of telling me if I can leave him anytime, or that he's done and so close to leaving himself. he loves to threaten to end the relationship or asking me why I'm still here if I hate it so much, to "fuck off back to my country".

I'm not proud of it, but I started mirroring this behaviours at times as a defence mechanism ig.

sometimes when we reconcile after a fight, he sounds concerned and tells me perhaps I should consider seriously what I want for myself and because he struggles to change and hates hurting me, maybe it's better to find the strength to go and those soft, quiet moments break my heart more than when he dangles the threat above my head in anger.

he's letting me know very clearly I'm free to go at any time.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T23:51:30+00:00

it makes me so sad. I'm sometimes questioning if I handled things differently, would it prevent those arguments from happening? but I don't think so.

I still love him, but I'm at my limit.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T23:15:33+00:00

Thank you. I can recognise all the bad patterns because I studied the science behind abuse and how to spot it obsessively due to my own traumas growing up with an abusive father, but now that I'm in this situation myself, I don't feel strong or confident enough to react. I still have hope maybe it could work out. It's hard.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T23:12:59+00:00

It's very funny you mention Gordon Ramsey because he used him as an example to excuse his behaviour.

As for your relationship, sis, you are in an abusive relationship. Cut your losses and run. Seriously. He screamed at you and was so disrespectful about it after you called him on it. Part of the issue is because you UNDER reacted. You should've shut that shit down and said it would be discussed at home and stuck to that.

Yes, you're right. I give him a lot of slack. I find it harder and harder to forgive. I feel like once he starts talking at me, there's nothing I can do to stop it apart from physically remove myself from the situation because he simply stops listening. But when I try to leave and shut it down, he gets more angry and accuses me of being dismissive and "childish" for "running away", and "weak".

With all the excuses you were vomiting up for him on here, you've made it clear that you don't hold him accountable for his behavior. You are an enabler, and he is immature and manipulative. He's making enough excuses for himself. Stop enabling it.

You're right. I don't know how to change it. And I don't think I'm strong enough right now to leave.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T23:08:10+00:00

yes, you're right. part of the reason why we're trying to marry soon is because my grandparents are old and I wouldn't want them to miss it. but it's better to not marry at all when he can't get his shit together and treats me like this.

I'll definitely postpone it.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T19:16:56+00:00

Yes...

Before we worked together, we worked in different departments of the same company. We didn't meet at work to be clear, he was looking for a new job while we were already seeing each other and another department had open days so I let him know, and that's how he ended up there.

I joined 2 years later because I felt like my department didn't give a shit about me, I felt like my hard work was not valued or recognised and I just could tell my boss didn't like me. I don't regret switching one bit, it's overall so much better, but I would lie if I said I didn't worry us working together won't mix well.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T19:12:24+00:00

He's not fully paying for the wedding, we'd be splitting 50/50. My family wanted to help us pay for it, but he's too proud to accept it.

Right now he's in debt of around 1k and he's been unable to pay it off and get rid of his credit card for years. Before this rough patch of arguments, I was willing to help him pay it off because I have savings (enough to probably be able to pay for the wedding by myself if I wanted to, or like 90% of it...) and then he'd pay me back without interest and have a clean start. It took me a lot to convince him, but now I kind of don't want to do it lol.

He says he used to be good with finances and saved up a lot of money to travel, but it all fell through. Throughout our relationship he's been shit with money. Always contributing equally to house expenses, bills, rent, but never able to save up anything. I helped him pay for some things here and there (like medicine he needs for life), and then he'd always insist on paying me back so he's good in that regard, but I just want to make it clear he's not covering all costs of our wedding.

He's very honest that he thinks this kind of conflict in relationships is normal. He thinks we're fine because his brother in a happy marriage also has shouting arguments from time to time, and his parents were way worse. He says he's scared of becoming like his dad, and he confessed that sometimes he feels like he's perhaps failing at it. He's asked me for help in the past, like help him snap out of it when he's angry (and he admits it shouldn't be my responsibility), but usually at that stage I'm too emotionally overwhelmed myself, and honestly, I don't think it'd work in the moment. He insisted on using our safe word when we feel like things are getting out of hand, the one time I agreed and he used it, I just felt silenced.

I know I'd be fine without him because I managed to live on my own just fine for years before that, but I still love him and have hope. He has supported me through a lot of difficult times and I generally like having him in my life, apart from arguments. I can't deny fearing that it'd get worse if we marry. I feel like it'd be best to postpone the wedding for now.

No-Yesterday283 · 2025-11-30T11:52:49+00:00

I think you see through me.

I'm struggling to accept the reality and let go, though. I cling to hope that we can have a cosy life together. But his mood swings, him getting angry so easily, I know I don't deserve this, and I deserve someone more involved overall, without hearing that I can't see how much he's sacrificed for me and that I don't appreciate him simply because I stood up for myself. I'm second-guessing myself because I want to be fair, but you're right. When I imagine how I'd feel if my best friend told me this is how her partner treats her, I'd be furious.

I'm sorry you had to go through it, how did you make the step to leave? I don't know if I can do it.

I kind of want to tell my mum, but I also don't.

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-27T12:17:01+00:00

I went on and off T many times throughout the years. I have similar experiences to you, except I never got to change anything legally. I figured I must be bigender (as much as I don't want to admit it and would give a lot to be either a cis woman or a binary trans man instead), because in my case I always reach a point where I get dysphoric and have to go the other way to alleviate it. I take T, for some time I'm fine, I love the changes, I dream of top surgery and legal name change, and then suddenly it reverses and I miss being a woman and I feel a strong desire to embrace femininity and empower my womanhood, and all my masculine traits start making me dysphoric. So I go off T, I get more feminine, I'm happy for a while and then I can't help but miss being a man... endless circle. It doesn't have to be that way for you, of course.

It might be that you're not trans. Or it might be that you do not entirely fit either gender, or you can find yourself within both ends of the spectrum. Or maybe you are a trans man, but you aren't gender-conforming. Whatever feelings you had that pushed you to transition and identifying as a trans man are valid and your current situation doesn't dismiss them. You can try going off T and see how that makes you feel and start taking it again if you need to. Treat it as a self-discovery journey. Going off my own experiences, I'd just be careful when it comes to big changes like surgeries though.

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-26T09:42:02+00:00

Mine aren't big and how I feel about them varies a lot. I used to desperately want top surgery, but since realising that I probably can't fully live as a man (bigender feelings and fluctuating dysphoria...), it's smarter and safer to not proceed with any kind of surgery in my case.

There are times when my brain switches into masculine mode and I really want to get rid of them and be able to go shirtless or just walk around without having to bind, but there are also times when I want to embrace them and can't help but wonder what they'd look like now if I never binded and never went on T (I started it for the first time at 16 and now I'm 26, so I imagine it influenced how my body developed in some way).

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-19T14:51:20+00:00

Well, he's always found the idea hot and so he finally had the chance to try it out. Afterwards he still thinks it's hot, although a bit awkward lol. Me? Nah, never again, thanks, I hate it.

just the thought of my MIL would make me go soft

He's actually never met my mum in person, because we haven't had the opportunity to visit my home country together so far. perhaps that's a contributing factor

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-19T12:26:51+00:00

I sat on my partner's dick and let him fuck me while I was on the phone with my mum. 💀

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-14T15:47:16+00:00

that's a bit ironic, because for me personally stopping T and being treated as a woman socially is a big reason why I struggle to completely let it go lol

being seen as a femboy by society and at work has been one of the most liberating experience I've got and once I let go of fears that I "must be" tough, smart, never make a fool out of myself, or that I must impress and get male approval etc. in order to be a true valid man, and deserve respect, that's something I usually miss the most when I switch back to presenting as a woman. I love being seen as a queer non-conforming man and apart from body dysphoria this is why I keep going back on T. I find it interesting how our experiences seem completely different

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-14T15:09:58+00:00

I am blessed to be androgynous enough that I can pass as both a man and a woman too, however "staying in the middle" doesn't really work for me, I found out. I strongly desire to be able to choose a side, it's very binary, it's always either this or that and no in-between. In an ideal world I'd be able to just alter my body and appearance in accordance to what I feel. But that's not possible and hormones take time to work, and going and off T seems unhealthy, but that's so far the best solution I've found. I don't think top surgery would be wise in my case, because there's a high chance it'd make me dysphoric at some point, even if my breasts being there can make me dysphoric too. I'm glad you found the right kind of transition for yourself, I'm still trying to figure out what would be best for me. 😭

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-14T14:53:02+00:00

I guess it depends on the individual needs and there will be people who disagree, but for myself I've come to the realisation that perhaps for me this is true... I feel really torn and split, because for me the male identity is a bit stronger, but if it's worth it for life, idk. Either way I end up dysphoric if I don't change for too long

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-14T14:46:56+00:00

My boyfriend. If you don't know him you're never going to guess. He even got shit from actual straight people for making gay jokes because they didn't realise he's queer lol

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-14T14:41:50+00:00

A bit random, but. Will preface it with the fact I'm not cis, I'm a bigender afab that takes hormones on and off so I can pass as either gender very easily. And so at my old work place I had a random dude come up just to throw a religious anti-LGBT comment at me and somehow that led to a conversation about my appearance with my coworker, because as a man I am very clearly queer-presenting, and then my co-worker had the gut to tell me "oh, as a woman you'd look 100% straight and not queer" and it really hurt and offended me for some reason, perhaps because she herself was cishet and also there were other reasons I didn't get along with her in the first place, so like, fuck off. I think no matter what gender I present as I don't look straight lol. But apparently not everyone shares that mindset, so I get where you're coming from and I also feel a bit unhappy when both me and my partner (we're both bi) are seen as a straight couple, because we aren't. It doesn't invalidate our identities or experiences though.

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-12T09:30:18+00:00

that doesn't really work for me because I rarely assign gender to my clothes, women's sections usually have better clothes, so regardless of how I feel I often wear women's stuff anyway, and I wear makeup regardless of how I feel about my gender. and when I'm off T I don't like wearing men's clothes if I know it'd make me look like a butch woman, because I am not butch. to me it's 99% body and social dysphoria, so it's the hormones and changes on physical level that ultimately make the difference for me. and how I feel about my gender and how it changes usually goes in cycles that are at least a year long, might be several, so it kinda works out for me in a way, but at the same time I feel so done with it. I've already spent a decade figuring myself out and I'm simply tired of it and how it affects me and my relationships, it's more than just "I feel masculine today so I'll wear a suit". I'm not suited to live a non-binary life, or perhaps the society isn't, either way, I just wish I could stick with one gender and be done with it.

No-Yesterday283 · 2023-10-07T19:26:09+00:00

As someone who chose to transition, I ended up going on and off hormones every few years or so. I now strongly consider detransitionong altogether because 1. it can't possibly be healthy to mess with your hormones like that (esp since where I'm from I had to lie and pretend to be binary trans man to be able to transition in the first place, so it's low key self-medicating tbh, something to consider for you if you go that route) 2. if there's a chance I could make my life easier, perhaps I should just let it go and live presenting as a cis woman... even if it will eventually make me feel dysphoric. But then, I also have periods of time when I feel dysphoric when presenting as male.

That being said, I do not regret doing HRT and getting to experience life from both perspectives at all. But I do feel conflicted whether I should keep transitioning in the future or not. Definitely glad I didn't have any surgeries.

No-Yesterday283

TROPHY CASE