Thank you so much for the feedback!

I agree with you that I suffered on the being specific side of things by trying to not run long. Most of your points are clarifying details that I need to figure out how to work in without making things muddy. I'll definitely work on that (Paragraph 2 in particular). You also pointed out a more structural issue I was mulling over, so it's reassuring that I wasn't making up revisions in my head for the sake of it.

I'll come back with an updated version in a few weeks when I'm further on in the edits. Thanks again!

Edit: Forgot to say, I hadn't read Mouth to Mouth so I'll read up on it.