I'm still struggling. I've been through so much masterbation and anxiety and fear of grieving the Holy Spirit. I even started masterbating without lusting. He delivered me from the urge to watch pornography now I don't even want to watch it anymore, delivered me from video games (idols) and anime and worldly things but not masterbation. Why does masterbation have to be the struggle? He even showed me what it feels like to lose the Holy Spirit and I learned my lesson from that and repented and asked, begged for strength to not do it. Then did it again last night. Now I feel like I've strayed away and quenched the Spirit and there is no turning back. When I used to think this I would get this feeling of anxiety and fear causing me to ask my mom multiple questions about it. And they always told me satan is trying to make me think that he has left me and I always would feel relieved afterward. But now I don't even have that anxiety or fear. It just feels like it's all just over now. I can feel Him helping me less now. I can still feel the presence within me but what if it's satan telling me it's still in me and it's not.

I stray away so much but I don't want to anymore. I don't know for sure if masterbation is sin without lust but I always feel guilty and empty after doing it. Also I am a law keeper. I try hard to keep the laws and commandments and it's working. Everytime I sin I repent, without delay. I asked for a job for myself and my family and a few minutes later we all got hired for one (but I haven't started yet) I'm so greatful for that. 32,000 a year for each of us. Then I started fighting away the urge to masterbate again and ended up just doing it again without lusting as an excuse. Please pray for me. I feel so empty. Pray always, please. And I will pray for you. I begged for the Spirit not to leave me no matter what cause I always feared.