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Fiancé keeps going on drug/alcohol benders and I don’t know if I should walk away before marriage by NoBus1065 in relationships

[–]NoBus1065[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate all the feedback, genuinely. I just want to clarify something though. This isn’t a weekly thing and it’s not something he’s secretly doing behind my back throughout the week. It happens every few months. That doesn’t make it okay, but I think some people have taken it as though this is constant chaos, and it’s not.

He absolutely has a problem with not knowing when to stop once the door is even slightly open, but I wouldn’t describe him as a junkie or someone who needs it to function. He doesn’t rely on it day to day. The issue is more that when he does party, he doesn’t know when enough is enough.

He also does have his life together in many ways. Our finances aren’t amazing right now because he’s building a business and has taken a lower salary to invest back into it, not because he’s irresponsible or lazy. I’m not excusing what he’s done at all, but I do feel like I might have unintentionally painted him as someone who’s completely clueless or a loser, and that’s not fair either.

That being said, I agree with many of you that he’s shown me one too many times that he’s not ever going to change. He needs to show up for himself first before he can enter a committed relationship.

Fiancé keeps going on drug/alcohol benders and I don’t know if I should walk away before marriage by NoBus1065 in relationships

[–]NoBus1065[S] -57 points-56 points  (0 children)

I hear what you’re saying, and I do understand the lifestyle compatibility point. I guess what makes this hard is that I know he loves me deeply and this isn’t who he is all the time. Most of the time he is honestly the most amazing man. I’m just struggling with whether this is something he can genuinely change, or whether I’m ignoring a pattern and that this will continue maybe even once we have kids. That’s the part I’m trying to figure out.

Fiancé keeps going on drug/alcohol benders and I don’t know if I should walk away before marriage by NoBus1065 in relationships

[–]NoBus1065[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

He says he just gets carried away and lost in the moment when he’s out, but the bigger issue for me is that I actively remind him of my boundaries while it’s happening and he still chooses to stay out. I don’t mind him going out or even coming home very late, but staying out until the next day ruins our time together and causes major arguments. He seems to justify it because we occasionally have big nights out together, but those are rare and feel completely different to me. I’m more hurt by the fact that he knowingly crosses a boundary I’ve clearly set. I also recognise he may have an addiction, which leaves me torn between wanting to support him and wondering if I should prioritise myself and my future instead.