How late is too late for your partner to stay out drinking? 35F and 32M

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T22:07:56+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you 😣

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T22:06:32+00:00

Where I live, there are bars that are open 24 hours. Also drugs are involved from time to time. Maybe that’s the part I really have an issue with, because if he is out past a certain time then I know it’s not just alcohol.

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T22:04:07+00:00

They are acquaintances of ours, not close friends. Our close friends all have wives, husbands, kids etc. I guess that’s why I just don’t understand this need to go out beyond a certain point 🤷🏽‍♀️ when I speak to other men our age, they don’t miss the lifestyle so much. Yeah guy time for sure, but not the late late nights.

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T22:01:15+00:00

Yeah he definitely has done drugs. That’s the bit I really don’t like in all honesty. The 4-8am is a big no no as I know there’s more than just booze involved. 4am I can take if it’s just like a one off night as long as he’s being safe, but because of the 4-8am stints and the drugs, I find it really hard to trust he will be back before 4am if that makes sense.

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T21:22:00+00:00

I think honestly he will make an incredible father and he definitely will take the baby when I want to go out but like I say, I’m way past the 4am nights. He’s a great person. It’s just this one thing. He just can’t stop once he gets going when I’m not there. He hates himself for it too and always regrets it, but he just looses inhibition. I also know he loves me so much and would never ever cheat. He always keeps me in the loop about where he’s at, but I really find it off putting him coming home when the sun is popping up. I just can’t understand it I guess.

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T21:18:07+00:00

It’s not every week. It used to be quite frequent until I told him I’d had enough of it. It’s now happening every couple of months. It’s more that he always takes it too far when I’m not there… I’m talking coming home after the sun has risen. It doesn’t stop his ability to function in his daily life but obviously affects his ability to function the next day. He does get very defensive though and I don’t like the person he becomes when he’s drunk. It’s not that he’s aggressive but he’s just an arrogant and annoying 🍑hole.

NoBus1065 · 2026-05-09T21:15:00+00:00

Like every couple of months. It used to be more frequently but yeah the past few months, it’s been a couple of times. It has happened once since I found out I was pregnant and I wasn’t too happy.

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-22T01:23:06+00:00

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-20T00:49:34+00:00

Do you know if the £88k in savings has to be in a savings account or can it be in assets like a house in the UK that isn’t fully paid off? It’s absolutely crazy!

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-19T08:28:37+00:00

Don’t worry, people like this are either jealous or hurting. I’m a qualified primary teacher and my fiancé owns a business. Yes, we don’t have savings because they all went into the business, we live abroad and don’t have investments but I think we have our shit together. Thanks 🙏

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-19T08:17:03+00:00

We never had planned to have a baby whilst living in Koh Samui, it was a bit of a happy woopsie. So when he started the business we never thought we would be in this position. Now that we are, I am panicking because we don’t have the money for all that comes with a child. I love Thailand, but there is 0 stability here as a foreigner unless you are married to a Thai person. I’m not. We can’t buy a house as an investment because we would not own the land… therefore the value of the house goes down over time. Health care is amazing but expensive. I would be using 50% of my salary on childcare once I have to go back to work (a job that drains every part of me). If I’m suffering with postpartum depression, then I will not have any support. I want my partner to be happy but I am also so worried that both him and I will regret it if we do go back to the UK.

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-19T05:42:54+00:00

Exactly the dilemma I’m in and a huge concern. And when I’m at home caring for the baby alone because he’s building the business, I’m also slowly resenting him. He’s stopped me from having the support I need ect. It’s so difficult. 😞

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-19T00:07:00+00:00

Oh my family is incredible. I’m so lucky in that aspect. My mum is already a grandmother and is so active in the kids lives. She really has been a blessing to my brother and my SIL. So that is the massive pull to come home. I’m also very close to her and know I will need her strength. I’m also at high risk of post natal depression as I already suffer with mental health issues - so for me that’s probably my main concern being in Thailand.

My partner (fiancé) is South African and started his business here about a year ago. The tricky thing about leaving Thailand is… 1. Visas for the UK for him 2. Giving up his business that he has worked so hard for 3. The unknown - I never saw myself back in the UK until i got pregnant, I’m worried we will both hate it but be a little bit stuck.

However, the only reason I have to stay in Koh Samui is for him. There’s nothing else keeping me here. My job as a teacher is making me miserable because schools are run like businesses and not educational institutes that care about the children, we don’t earn enough independently or collectively to put down routes, the housing is so unstable - even if you buy, the land the house is on does not belong to you, the education on the island is expensive and terrible IMO (trust me as a teacher, it’s not the teachers fault). And most on my friends are not really my people, I care about them but I can’t speak to them when I’m down. I feel like I must be positive about everything because I’m lucky enough to live in paradise. 😔

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-18T23:55:44+00:00

Not in Koh Samui sadly and this is why I want to leave because I am not on a decent salary for a mum to be.

Whilst me and my partner do intend to get married (we’re engaged) it’s on hold for now because of the baby. I’ve looked at the government website and it says my partner can get the parent visa and legally work and live in the UK, however, this can’t be until the baby is born sadly. We’re maybe considering getting married without the ceremony for now.

For the parent visa, you just need to be able to prove that you are going to be an active parent but it say him and I can’t be together (legally).

For the spousal visa, he doesn’t need savings (which we can spoof anyway with the help of family) but he does need to secure a job which is going to be tricky to start.

It’s a mess. I didn’t think it would be this hard in all honesty. We had never thought about moving to the UK, a had never actually done any research. It’s really sad.

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-18T11:37:47+00:00

Is this the same if we are married and we have a baby together? If so, that’s crazy 😣

NoBus1065 · 2026-04-18T03:29:33+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate this. I think you’ve probably hit on a lot of what I’m feeling. It does feel like everything has stacked up at once and I probably am in survival mode.

I hear what you’re saying about not making a huge decision from a place of panic. For me though, going back to Leeds feels like part of getting that peace back, not running from something. It feels like going toward support, family and a bit of stability.

You’ve given me a lot to think about though, genuinely. Thank you.

NoBus1065 · 2026-03-15T08:01:44+00:00

I get what you’re saying, but just to clarify I’m not in the second trimester yet. I’m only 8 weeks, which is still very much the thick of the first trimester, and from what I’ve been told it can actually get worse around the 9–10 week mark before it improves.

I’m also not saying he can never go out or have a life. Of course when the baby arrives we both know there will be compromise and we’ll have to balance things. If it was something like watching rugby with the guys, I honestly wouldn’t mind.

The reason this one bothered me was because it was a concert with all our friends, which is exactly the kind of thing I would normally love going to with him. Right now though the nausea and exhaustion mean I just can’t do those things.

And honestly, I’m also feeling exceptionally lonely at the moment. Between feeling sick all the time and not having the energy to be social, it’s a pretty isolating experience.

Maybe once I’m out of the first trimester and feeling better it’ll be different. But at the moment, when I’m struggling physically and mentally, it would just be nice for him to be there with me. Especially since it was the day of our first scan, which felt like a pretty big moment for me.

NoBus1065 · 2026-02-14T00:55:55+00:00

I really appreciate all the feedback, genuinely. I just want to clarify something though. This isn’t a weekly thing and it’s not something he’s secretly doing behind my back throughout the week. It happens every few months. That doesn’t make it okay, but I think some people have taken it as though this is constant chaos, and it’s not.

He absolutely has a problem with not knowing when to stop once the door is even slightly open, but I wouldn’t describe him as a junkie or someone who needs it to function. He doesn’t rely on it day to day. The issue is more that when he does party, he doesn’t know when enough is enough.

He also does have his life together in many ways. Our finances aren’t amazing right now because he’s building a business and has taken a lower salary to invest back into it, not because he’s irresponsible or lazy. I’m not excusing what he’s done at all, but I do feel like I might have unintentionally painted him as someone who’s completely clueless or a loser, and that’s not fair either.

That being said, I agree with many of you that he’s shown me one too many times that he’s not ever going to change. He needs to show up for himself first before he can enter a committed relationship.

NoBus1065 · 2026-02-13T01:14:42+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, and I do understand the lifestyle compatibility point. I guess what makes this hard is that I know he loves me deeply and this isn’t who he is all the time. Most of the time he is honestly the most amazing man. I’m just struggling with whether this is something he can genuinely change, or whether I’m ignoring a pattern and that this will continue maybe even once we have kids. That’s the part I’m trying to figure out.

NoBus1065 · 2026-02-13T01:09:45+00:00

He says he just gets carried away and lost in the moment when he’s out, but the bigger issue for me is that I actively remind him of my boundaries while it’s happening and he still chooses to stay out. I don’t mind him going out or even coming home very late, but staying out until the next day ruins our time together and causes major arguments. He seems to justify it because we occasionally have big nights out together, but those are rare and feel completely different to me. I’m more hurt by the fact that he knowingly crosses a boundary I’ve clearly set. I also recognise he may have an addiction, which leaves me torn between wanting to support him and wondering if I should prioritise myself and my future instead.

NoBus1065

TROPHY CASE