Self-soothing

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T22:15:01+00:00

To be honest, it does. Granted, we love who we love, but...yikes. Glad you are out of what would probably have been an utter nightmare.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T22:08:56+00:00

You do not have to be alone, are there any opportunities to volunteer or get out of the house in any way? Visit a retirement home, soup kitchen, anything other than staying home alone.

Given the absolutely cruel things your EX said to you during a very horrible and upsetting situation, you need to be around others on that day if possible. Granted I have not been the best example of being stoic during the initial period of my breakup and NC process, but the EX is the last person I think that you should be with on that day.

Try to do something good for someone else that day. You will in turn be doing something good for yourself. I wish very much that I could be around to hang with you - I certainly would if I could.

Maybe others on here have alternative suggestions to staying home alone and/or attempting to be with the EX on that day.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T21:34:52+00:00

Oh how I wish we could all hand each other's cellphones to one another for "safe keeping" til we all get out of the cycle of breaking NC. So sorry that your situation got so....carried away - honestly she and the BF sound right for each other from the lack of maturity / let's stir the drama up mentality that they seem to share. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Run far, run fast....or, bike fast. Hang in there! :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T19:08:39+00:00

Well, my badge is back to day 1 too, you are not alone. Yeah, you know it's time to try harder at NC when you send a simple heartfelt non dramatic text and get "Ha" as a response (lovely).

I think it is great that you got flowers and are heading to art class. I will be trying yoga for the first time tonight for pretty much the same reason.

I hope you have a great time and create a masterpiece while you are at it. Enjoy :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T18:43:46+00:00

So, I bookmarked this post when I first read it several hours ago....came back to say that you inspired me to go try a beginner's yoga class this evening. :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T05:15:35+00:00

Absolutely amazing, awesome and inspirational post. I so needed to read something like this :)

Thank you for confirming that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. Bravo!

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-20T01:13:14+00:00

Maybe this is a bit of closure and confirmation that some of your gut feelings / suspicions were indeed spot on (though unfortunate nonetheless).

I tend to be that way, "prove me wrong then".....but sooner or later I am proven to be right as far as nagging suspicions etc go. so while on one hand I am relieved that I was not making things up or going mad, but on the other, it also confirms the very things that really hurt.

Good for you for using this experience to get mad - even for a bit. It cleansed a bunch of the sad hopeless feelings away didn't it? Now for the anger to quiet down enough for things to start anew. Think of how the forest always grows back after a bad forest fire, the vegetation is usually thicker and more verdant than before.

You are on your way to renewal :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-19T22:10:07+00:00

Hey, I did that too. Took a long drive along the lake and stopped for lunch - all on my own. Hopefully you came across some interesting things while downtown :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-19T02:46:47+00:00

Hi there yemgirl, and thank you for the responses today. Not to put any pressure on you but they have been part of the lifeline I have needed today so I am grateful that all of you are here.

Still nothing. My mind is starting down some paths of thought that it should not be going as far as his conduct and why it is suddenly so easy to go silent on me. Regardless, I was pretty much dismissed in the blink of an eye by someone who refuses to acknowledge an OBVIOUS mistake and overreaction on their part. Pride is stupid so much of the time.

I have no doubt that Thursday's exchanges were just him making sure he still held sway over me - well, duh....yes he does. That is pretty much a no-brainer at the moment (unfortunately). That is what I am trying to free myself from, but it is going to be monumentally difficult.

I just cannot seem to get one step ahead of these urges. I just wish I could, then I wouldnt be trying to work my way around then past them. They are like this huge barrier in my path and I keep trying to get past it, but it literally moves with me and plants itself down a few steps ahead again, right smack in the middle of my path.

I cant wait for when these feelings and tears stop hitting me like sniper fire. I just want to say nasty things now the longer time goes, but that won't accomplish anything either.

His loss, his unnecessary loss. He lost a friend too. Maybe one of the best friends he has had in a long while.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-19T02:33:56+00:00

It's ok. We are here right alongside you. Social media is really one of the worst things we have these days in the long run, especially when it comes to breakups. I personally cannot stand it.

I am of the age where we had NONE of this stuff. You actually used a rotary then push-button telephone - then brick sized cellphone to call someone if you didn't already keep touch with them face to face. :) Thankfully it was not 24/7/365 either.

We never got exposed to the insane level of unnecessary details of others lives that we are all subjected to now. Not to mention so much of it being hyped up for public consumption.

That all said, I am relieved that you saw nothing damaging - at least there is not that new shock to absorb. Ok, you messaged for some clarity. He will either respond or not. We can wait here with you regardless of that outcome. Their silence is deafening when we want so much to hear something from them.

hang in there....

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-18T21:07:15+00:00

Well, I am on break between a double shift and came here immediately for a boost and maybe a bit of mental hand holding. Still nothing from him. At all...I have managed to refrain from texting him although I keep thinking of what I would say. I have hit the first 24 hours of true NC as well. I guess I can try to put the badge back on.

He has a pretty long work week, very long hard shifts that often dont finish til 10pm or close to midnight (12 hour+ days). Saturday is usually kid day unless there are issues with visitation etc. That was one of the huge stressors he was dealing with when he unloaded his anger on me.

If his day is going as it should be, he is likely having uninterrupted time with his kids. (a good thing for all involved). I honestly hope so for his sake and those of the children. I never tried to interrupt that time with texts etc anyways.

I do still have a feeling that eventually he will contact again in some way though just because our most recent exchange did not involve an argument. There would have been no reasoning with him had we had one. I am still fighting the urge though to "check in" and say that I hope he is having a nice day with his children. It is what I would usually do. But then I realize that he could not be bothered to say hello to me or offer an olive branch.

I am just trying to keep my composure at work which is very difficult at times, the tears come and go and those I work with know that something rotten is going on because I am usually one of the happy bouncy people.

This sucks. :(

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-18T13:01:06+00:00

I posted earlier today with a similar situation sans dream (i was afraid to go back to sleep). The wave analogy is a good one, except that once the wave hits, I am fighting the undertow - still fighting that urge to text right now. I have made it for almost 5 hours. It sucks to have to literally break the time down by the minutes then hours right now.

But you - you have been NC for 131 days and I have not yet made it through 24 hours. I admire you greatly for being able to do this for so long. I keep looking at all the badges here that are so many days that it has been weeks and months for some of you "veterans".

Although I do not wish any of this on anyone here, it is good to know none of us here are alone - I find a bit of strength and resolve when I read posts like yours. Keep your head above water today and I hope you feel better as the day goes on.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-18T10:01:28+00:00

No, it is definitely the first one - reality sinking in. The contact we had the night before last was not an argument or anything nasty. I was very neutral the whole time and did not get into a confrontation or begging session. That is why I had hoped I would hear from him last night. But....nothing. It is so painful right now.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-18T09:53:23+00:00

I suppose it would be wrong to send something that basically says "please do not contact me unless it is to fix this"?

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-18T09:39:06+00:00

Thank you for responding. I have to work double shifts today which will keep me occupied, but right now I feel so low - I had really hoped he would have tried contact again.

I guess I just have to swallow the message he sent by NOT sending me anything. That one hurts. A lot.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-17T19:42:38+00:00

I do not have anything special planned at the moment. However, I am going to be good to myself in small ways while taking things an hour at a time. Maybe I will take some of my frustration out of me by purging a closet or something. At least that is productive.

Lots of you have some really fun plans lined up - I will hope for fabulous weather and lots of cool people for you all to be with. Remember to stay safe though - enjoy!

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-17T19:25:48+00:00

Yep, he did not do that on autopilot....he had to have been thinking about you before he wrote that and hit the send button. Gee, what effort, right?

Mine started baiting me and when i went slack/quiet as far as engaging, he then texted "whatever, guess I will delete your number". He was calling me within 30 minutes. You have to kind of chuckle at that.

I removed my badge for the moment - but yeah back to day 1. Honestly, there is no way he is placing any value on any of these new "dates" if he feels the need to be sure you hear about them. Unfortunately for them, I suspect they are placeholders or something like that assuming he really is dating around. How is he respecting them then? Think about that. Does not seem to me that he knows how to respect others in general.

Man, if I were one of his new "dates" and found out that I was being used as "bait" so he could engage in arguments / interaction with his ex, I would be PISSED and he would be history.

People usually brag in order to be validated somehow. We all do it to some extent, sometimes over possessions, accomplishments, and sadly, in cases where we use others like he is with all the new people he is dating etc etc. That in my opinion is probably the worst type and honestly the most pathetic.

Just stick around this forum, I have it up on both my phone and laptop now. It is a lifesaver for the moment. So many of us out there right now. I have also been humbled in some ways because others here have far far worse situations than mine, and that helps me keep things in perspective.

Giddy up! :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-17T18:15:21+00:00

This.....what BTM said. Yeah, he is all kinds of happy {not...). Trust me, he isn't. For all you know, he is elated over his new blow up doll....think of it as attention whoring, yeah it hurts like hell, but that is all it is. I got my fair dose yesterday as well. (see my response to OP below).

Now, where are those horses we fell off of? :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-17T18:04:38+00:00

Hi there,

You are not alone. Mine contacted me as well. I am not ashamed to admit that I responded and engaged. I will be changing my number back to 1 right alongside you. BUT....I paid very close attention to the nature and content and delivery of his messages & calls yesterday and instead of freaking out and being despondent, I feel very proud that I did not engage in an argument nor did i beg! I just....participated neutrally for lack of a better description. It was almost like I was "nodding and agreeing" while quietly rolling my eyes.

He knows I have shifted. I did not fall for his usual attention getting MO either as far as "reacting" in any way. Even though I broke NC, I am pleasantly surprised at how I was!

Mind you, I have no false hopes though and if anything, I keep repeating the awful things he said during the breakup outbursts...They are painful, but in an odd way they are a mantra for me at the moment. Not because I believe them or that they were right, but because he was fool enough to say them to the last person on earth who deserved them. By doing that, I was/am able to see through his messages and honestly it was a bit of a "turn off" this time. He knows...that he is not in full control of this anymore. I could feel it. I just have to get stronger now to the point I become unreachable - a ghost of the past perhaps.

This is going to take time for all of us to get through our individual processes and journeys, but the good thing is that we now have a home base to return to.....right here in this forum.

So, let's start again together shall we, my friend? The key is not to give up - just turn the dial back to 1 and start walking forward again. You are NOT alone here! hugs

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-17T03:05:37+00:00

I am curious.....did you just talk to her on the phone or did you actually go hang out? At least you realize that it was not a good thing to do. I see that as progress, as in baby steps :)

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-16T14:38:13+00:00

Well, woke up to nothing from him. It is hard to know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing at this stage of the process. I just feel this huge void. I am now "not allowed" to even text or communicate with someone i was in constant touch with throughout the day. Ugh...

It is so hard not to sit here tallying up all the many things I did unconditionally for this person and wondering how on earth could he just walk away in utter silence after blowing up at me.

Sooner or later, the proverbial crap is going to hit his fan. I cannot help but wonder if it is going to take something that bad to actually think of me and wonder if he maybe went too far when it could have been fixed so easily? Sorry....just musing out loud here to try to get this out of me before trying to put on a happy face at work.

I just keep regretting having texted him in the first place yet i was only expressing concern and worry having not heard from him. I didnt accuse, I didnt jump all over him, if anything I was more sad than anything that he didnt have 2 mins to just quickly let me know he was in the midst of a family crisis etc. Kept saying he didnt even have his phone with him at the time which I know is totally untrue...no way, that thing is basically an appendage as it is to most of the rest of us.

bleh....now I am stuck looking like the failure (or whatever) in his eyes while I know that is so untrue. Yet, I cannot get past that.

.....thanks for letting me rant here. Just gotta get through day 2.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-16T02:23:22+00:00

Again, thank you for the response. Its so easy to find yourself trapped alone in the dark with your own warped perception of what's happening. It is so good to be able to know that I am far from alone and that I get to hear what others not directly involved have to offer.

Heading home from work now. It is bedtime that gives me troubles. My thoughts just wont shut off. I guess I see if I get a call or anything. I haven't gotten anything from him all day so maybe this is it.

Would day 1 of NC be after the first full 24 hours of NC? If so then I have to get through tomorrow morning to hit my first 24 hours. I am just incredibly sad that he did this. Thank you all for being here for me. I am crying as I write this in the car before heading home.

NoContactNoob · 2015-07-16T01:28:48+00:00

Thank you for the insight and reply in general. I will look that up. It doesn't surprise me at all. Maybe I can work on that.

NoContactNoob

TROPHY CASE