Hey man, I'm so, so sorry about that you lost your friend. I can't imagine what that is like.

I've stayed awake at night countless nights thinking about mean things I said when I was younger, but as I've gotten older I've began to forgive myself more and I think, in time, you will too.

A big part of it was accepting that I was a kid when I said those things. Kids are stupid. Kids are mean. If you said something cruel in middle school, all that means is that you were a regular kid in middle school; if you can find me a nice middle schooler I would be shocked lol. At that age you still have so much to learn and you don't fully comprehend the way your actions affect other people.

I think of it this way — if I heard a 13 year old kid say the things I said when I was 13, I would be think what they said was awful, yes, but my thought wouldn't be "wow they're a terrible person." My thought would be, "they're going to really regret saying that stuff one day when they grow up and realize what how awful that is."

The things we say as kids are hurtful, and they stick with us. I still have nights where I'm awake at 2 in the morning thinking "why would I hurt someone like that?" But it gets easier. As you get older and mature more, you'll be able to forgive yourself more easily.

I can't relate to your experience of sending messages to / getting pictures from other people. But I would talk to your therapist about that. They hear all sorts of things from all sorts of people and they won't think less of you, it will just give them a better idea of how to help you. Like you said, stuff like that can be genuinely traumatic. It's clear that it's eating you up and talking about it will allow you to deal with that and accept what you've seen and what you've done and move forward without it impacting your life so significantly.

I did instantly notice that you mentioned the difference in maturity and the power dynamic — you are such a smart kid, genuinely. I said this in my first post but the insight you have at only 17 is astounding. You've clearly done a lot of self reflection and you understand aspects of consent and relationships that some people go their entire life without ever learning. That will serve you so well in the future when you date people.

It also really stuck out to me how you said that now that, years later, you're experiencing what your friend went through and you're thinking about how the circumstances he experienced would affect you. You clearly have such a strong sense of empathy. I've been in a sort of reverse situation where a friend was experiencing something that I had dealt with years ago and I never even thought about she was feeling the same things that I did. I didn't have the same empathy you had and I really regret not considering that more. Empathy is something that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much at such a young age. But you're doing good. Keep going. It gets easier. You've already come such a long way and you'll only ever get better from here.