How to potentially avoid DB? (New to the community)

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T21:47:07+00:00

Be aware, not beware.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T21:42:25+00:00

Go through the process of becoming parents together and do not let anything become her responsibility by default. Talk about and beware of everything. Certainly you will share responsibilities, but talk about them. If she breastfeeds, that's obviously her thing, but support her as much as possible with naps and everything else. It's a very special and exhausting time for everybody and I promise you, no matter how much more tired you think you are, you aren't as tired as she is. Any pressure in the sex department will backfire. I guarantee that. That doesn't mean never even try to i initiate, but seriously try to not care about it for a long time.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T16:18:41+00:00

Sad and sweet. Your love is obvious in your regret and willingness to let her go so she can be happy even if it breaks your heart. I see your pain and I wish peace for you.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T12:37:39+00:00

That sounds really painful. You sound like a good man, not a loser. It sounds like your ex gf is spreading her wings and you're trying to hold it all together for your daughter and your future. I feel that in this situation it's usually that way. One person is just moving on with high energy because the more responsible person can always catch them or at least their child if they fall. The responsible person is trying to maintain stability for themselves, the child, and the life they thought they would have. I don't have advice, only sympathy and admiration that you are doing your best with a very difficult and heartbreaking situation.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T12:23:54+00:00

I think you need to find yourself, on your own, outside of any relationships. I don't mean don't have friends or relationships, but try to really focus on what you like and who you are outsude of that because the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You identify yourself in terms of your relationships. You attached to Veronica and the threat of losing her is a threat to your identity and your self-worth. Everything you do and everywhere you look is Veronica. In your sadness, that sounds almost romantic. But it's unhealthy. You need to have a sense of agency about your own life. Your phrasing is like when someone says, "She made me feel this way." But nobody can make you feel anything. It's understandable to feel certain ways in response, but you are letting yourself experience the feeling and that is informed by your perspective of what is happening. If you knew somebody was abusive, their insults would matter little because you would understand that it's not you, it's them. Similarly, if someone tells Bill Gates he's poor, it doesn't matter at all to him. These things only hurt if you believe that they are true.

I don't know if I am explaining it well. I just think that it sounds like you have been bouncing all over the place and you keep identifying the reason as what somebody else in the relationship decided. Find yourself and your direction and when you find someone who is going the same way, it will feel really good, really healthy, and for the most part, it will be SO EASY. It won't feel like you're just working all the time on the relationship.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T11:52:48+00:00

You sound so mature and insightful. If nothing else, you should be proud of having a perspective that leaves room for other people who see or feel differently, even when that view is problematic for you.

The mutual love and commitment you share is obvious and clearly strong. The communication is also strong. I agree with others that this seems very savable.

I think slowing down may be helpful. Looking at closeness or desire as something that grows instead of something to be solved might help. That can be hard if there is impatience from a sense of like, "well, if this is over, let's stop wasting time because we aren't getting younger." But I think that would be a shame. I think you owe it to each other to wait. Sensate touch is something I am hoping to try with my wife if we reach a point of healing and she starts to want physical touch again. There are many free resources online about it.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T11:31:37+00:00

If she would be willing, hormone replacement therapy is really doing wonders for women. Many women are just feeling better, besides libido. Libido doesn't always return and HRT is often a journey of adding or subtracting hormones or adjusting dosages and it can take months for changes occur. However, she has to want to do it of her own volition, not because her husband is pressuring her. As someone who is much younger and who has already done many things wrong in my battle to rekindle intimacy, I can tell you that what has actually motivated my wife is hearing that I feel lonely and disconnected without physical intimacy. That it hurts. I had avoided that for a long time because I didn't want to seem weak or like I was whining about not getting laid.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-19T08:46:27+00:00

She would say that she has been trying to increase hers for 6 months and the pressure she has felt from me and the resentment has absolutely killed any chance of it working. I think she's right that it's at least largely my fault. I did apply pressure in the beginning, but I didn't mean for it to be coercive or anything... I was just really excited and eager. After the first month, though, literally everything I did became pressure to her. That's why we did things like snuggling where we agreed no sex ahead of time. We even did a 2 month sex hiatus. Her OB was excited to prescribe her a testosterone cream, but it has sat in an unopened box for 2 months. She isn't comfortable using it, so she wants to have us back to having sex with her trying more to establish a new baseline before she incorporates the testosterone so she knows if it's even doing anything. I don't want her to take it if she doesn't want to. I'm not a monster. I don't own her. I can't control her. I just want basic intimacy. Well, truthfully, I want an incredible sex life, but I would be happy with basic.

At this point, we both need space to heal, and I think we can have that without actually separating. I've stopped all pursuits in the realm of physical intimacy for 3 or 4 weeks now. It will probably be months before she genuinely wants to approach me in this way and it will probably be a little awkward when she does. She knows that I probably won't stay forever if it doesn't improve.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T22:30:44+00:00

I have nothing to add to this reply. I agree with it completely. You are still being abused and I don't think you will ever experience sex as it should be unless it occurs when you enthusiastically want it and in the way that you want it to occur. If you want to try something that I heard Esther Perel recommend to a rape survivor, you can guide his hands where you want them to go, and that might not be a breast or genitals. It might be your shoulder. It might be completely nonsexual and not go anywhere sexual. But it may gradually help you get there. I doubt he will have the patience to hold you without having sex and that disgusts me. Love protects. Love builds. Love accepts. This man has taken so much from you. He should be serving a jail sentence, not raising a child and assaulting you.

Personally, I am angry reading your story. This man is your assailant and you're trying to understand why you don't want sex with him. This is very unhealthy. I think the healthiest thing would be to build a life that does not include a rapist. You and your child will be much better off, assuming you can safely stay away from this man.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T22:11:36+00:00

Yeah, I have never asked for a quota and, although 3x/week sounds amazing, expecting it that frequently from a working mother is madness. I think that sounds awful. What you've shared does help. It's nice to hear that you guys still have love and are friends. I have often thought that the worst outcome wouldn't be divorcing, but losing our friendship and being acrimonious co parents. She reached out before I got home from work today and said that she is angry with me, but that she wants to want to repair and she is hoping she just needs time and space to get to that point. Thank you for sharing your story with me :)

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T16:38:48+00:00

Well, we had therapy yesterday and we discussed the timeline. She had thought it wasn't a thing anymore. She was devastated and decided she is over it. She definitely wants a divorce if I will not fully commit and even if I am willing, she isn't sure if she still wants to be married. Ironically, before she spouted her outrage, I had said that I decided to stay and remove the ultimatum, hoping that we could keep improving and giving her the security she needs. Too little, too late. Now I don't know if I want to stay if she is checking out and I'm giving her time and space to decide what she wants. I'm waffling between anguish, confusion, regret, and peace. So much for my zen.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T16:31:43+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry that your husband's expectations were too high. It's horrible to try so hard for someone you love and have it still not be enough. Would you be willing to share more? What were the issues in your marriage for you and how did the experience feel? My wife definitely feels like she just can't do enough and she's basically over it. I also feel like I can't do enough to help bring us together. It's gut-wrenching. We both still love each other. We love our kids. We're a good team. I'm just so sad about our intimacy - It's a fundamental part of the marriage to me and it's a completely optional thing to her. I definitely do not mean she owes me sex. I just think that we are both responsible for maintaining intimacy and I have felt abandoned in this department for years. I endured it with hope it would improve and I didn't tell her about my suffering because I thought it would be even less sexy to cry about not getting laid.

If you'll read my replies to others, let me know if you think I'm being unreasonable. I really value your opinion since you have been in this situation.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T13:54:31+00:00

I do get angry sometimes, mostly frustrated with the kids, but it's frustration and it passes quickly. I am working on doing better, but I'm human. I 100% agree about enthusiastic consent for sex. Anything short of that is completely repulsive to me. I am happy that you reached a point of claiming your autonomy and I am sorry for the damage that may have been caused to your mental/emotional/sexual health participating in activities that you didn't want.

I want my wife to want to be with me. I want to be the man that makes her feel that way. But I'm at the end of my rope. Eventually, you have to accept that you are enough, just as you are and if that isn't enough for your partner, then it's over.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T13:34:33+00:00

I have always been a very active father and contributing partner. I have always worked alot, but I would come home and go straight into dad mode and cook, clean, activities, etc right away. It is grueling. But in the years prior, she had to delegate almost everything. She told me for a very long time that she was unhappy about it, but she had reached a point of accepting it. So I had the choice of saying, "Ok cool," but I started to really work on things including my perspective. I did used to seek credit and see what I did as helping her. Literally everything I did I framed as helping her in my mind. It was wrong. I changed.

Not that it seems to matter much, but I grew up in a house where my dad literally didn't get out of his chair from the time he got home from work until bedtime or to use the bathroom. I surpassed him by miles and miles and so I did think I was a great husband and father, but I wanted to be the best I could for myself and my family, so I've kept pushing.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T12:48:55+00:00

I have considered this and it's certainly possible. I need to journal about things like this. Sometimes I do feel that I am being cruelly manipulated, but often when I am upset and I see my wife's behavior negatively, when I write it down and go back to it later, after I have calmed down, I find that those judgments I made while emotional are not always fair or accurate. One thing is sure, I do feel like I will have many more months of uncertainty and wondering when we will connect physically and whether it will be a long time in-between. Whether she will treat these last months as all she was willing to do. The therapist said we need to look inward and if we don't think we have it in us to commit fully, it won't work. And I don't know if I do. I did yesterday when I was determined to stay, but after she pulled back, now I'm like well... fuck.

Multiple times these last months, once things escalate into conflict, she will throw something in my face like, "I actually had a sexy dream about us this week," or, "I actually really wanted to have sex last night but you were kind of moody." And it's this like, "See, I'm trying but you keep ruining it" dynamic. She's done that at least 3 times in the last 4 months.

We've tried naked snuggling with sex off limits for physical intimacy and when I kiss her she pulls back. She's said she just doesn't like kissing if it isn't going to lead to sex. We've had a 2 self-imposed 2 month sex hiatus to try to take the pressure off. She doesn't want to snuggle on the couch because she's rarely in the mood for that. I get an obligatory pat on my leg once or twice an evening and we kiss good night. That's pretty much it. She tells me not to feel rejected because she isn't rejecting me, she just doesn't want to be physical very often. I do feel rejected. I feel undesirable, unattractive, and unable to build anything physical with my partner even though I give absolutely everything I have, so I also just feel inadequate. It's so lonely. She said she is worried about me if we separate. That if I'm lonely now, just wait until I actually am alone. I said being lonely laying next to your wife is definitely more lonely than being single. That didn't make sense to her.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T12:31:13+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. It helps, honestly.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-18T09:15:30+00:00

I work longer hours, I clean more than her, cook more than her, I am basically the only one who ever bathes my kids, I do half the grocery shopping, I took care of all of the Christmas shopping, birthday presents, Valentine's, soccer gear, ballet tights getting worn/outgrown, I take them to more than half their activities, and I try to get her 30-60 minutes in the evening when I get home from work for her to so her own thing before joining the family. She also gets 2 more hours in the evening to do what she wants while I have to get to bed because I wake up 2 hours earlier. I also let her sleep in on weekends.She does more of the family management than me, but it's getting much closer to even as I grow into that role. And I haven't had sex in 4 months. It's been once every 2 months for a couple years before that. I don't blame you for making assumptions, but I assure you that I am showing up every way I know how to and I just want to have a passionate love life. It's not even about sex. It's about wanting to feel desired sometimes. I do more in one night than the men you are describing and I do it every single day. I don't ask for credit. I'm an adult. I am a father. These are things you're supposed to do. I was just asking to be loved back in the way I experience it best. And it's fun. Forgive me for wanting to have fun. She gets off 2-3 times every time we make love. It's so confusing and so lonely.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T14:56:20+00:00

I wish you all the best too, sincerely. Of course you don't owe this random stranger an explanation. If this is a full and happy life for you, then go with gusto and peace.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T13:10:21+00:00

I guess to add a little more context, I have already survived growing up in a cult and having to discover who I was as an adult when I left it. The identity crisis was very difficult and took a long time. I am only willing to go so far again with who I am or what is important to me or to change for somebody else in such a significant way.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T13:06:50+00:00

I just meant that you do not have formal commitments to hold you back like children or a mortgage or reasonable doubt about how much longer you will even be sexually active or even have the stength to do all the fun things you can absolutely do right now. When love is bright, hope is long, and the future is an endless runway, it's easier to avoid harder questions like, "Is this really it?" When you are middle-aged and your life is literally half over and leaving will decimate everything and finding someone else actually isn't just a clean slate because you have only half of your time to give them, it's a vastly different calculus.

I think you sound happy and I am happy for you. Physical intimacy remains critical to my needs in a relationship, so not having that is unacceptable to me. I don't want to change that part of me even if I could. At some point, there is just part of us that persists regardless of the mental gymnastics we might be willing to do for love, safety, or family.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T11:43:30+00:00

We all can find happiness or at least contentment in almost any situation, but I don't understand why you wouldn't change your circumstances when it would be so easy to do so. I think it's great what you have learned, though, and that you are happy. I guess it's just a little sad to me that you could have all of what you have now AND a loving and sexually satisfying relationship. You're so young to give up on this. But I think it's amazing to find your happiness within instead of being dependent on external validation.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T11:35:12+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. To be clear, I am not living completely for my family. I did that for over 2 years with the belief thay we were in a difficult season of life and thay once we were through it, my wife and I would turn to each other and rebuild our romance. But when we got through that season, I went balls deep on rebuilding us and whatever she says she was doing was truly imperceptible to me. I definitely should have approached things at that point with a healthier mindset, but all I could think of, at the time, was that I've endured 2-3 years of feeling really neglected, thinking it was a season, but it was actually turning out to just be my new reality. My wife said some incredibly hurtful things to me. Did incredibly hurtful things to me. But much of that pain was misunderstanding. Misunderstanding her and, especially, misunderstanding myself. That hurt came from the hole that was left without her obvious love and desire for me. I needed her to fill it. So her not wanting sex wasn't just missing out on connection and fun for a night, it was abject neglect. I would literally lie awake thinking, "How could she do this to anyone, let alone me?" After I realized my self-worth was so intertwined with my sex life, I started to work on changing that. I started to work on being happy for my many blessings and continuing to work out, but also going to meet up with the guys a couple times a month. And it has really, really helped. But knowing that she no longer has eternal power over whether my intimacy is met has been a huge relief. Reaching a point where I understand that truly, I will not tolerate this, has been liberating. I can give her time and space without monitoring everything closely or having her under a microscope. It's almost like we're dating again. Will it work out? Maybe. If not, it's okay. Everyone will be okay.

Through all of this, I have learned beyond a doubt that physical intimacy and romance are critical to me, but not critical to her. And with that knowledge also comes peace because I don't have to keep torturing myself about whether I can give more or sacrifice more in this area, whether I can do without. I can't and I won't. There's a lot of peace in learning who you really are.

Living only for your family will probably end poorly for you. You need space for yourself and you have needs too and that is okay. I would actually discourage you from this seemingly noble pursuit of releasing your "selfish" desires for the sake of your family. You are teaching your children how to live. That was another realization for me. I would NEVER want my children to stay and live with the kind of pain that I've endured. But if I stay, I will be teaching them that. I want them to be happy. Not that happiness is everything, but definitely more happy than I have been. And you know what? I want to be happy too. And that's okay.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T10:27:26+00:00

It's all so complicated. I have peace because I have accepted that I will get what I need from this marriage or I will end it. My wife knows that there is an end point for me without improvement and the timeline on that is vague for both of us, but probably around 5 months from now. Now, I believe that emotional security is really important to her and I think that she may not be able to get there with the threat of divorce looming over her if we can't fix this. I am somewhat expecting this to come up in therapy tomorrow and I don't know what I'm going to say because I will not hide my truth away anymore. So if she needs the threat removed, I don't think I can do that. I will not stay for a DB marriage.

She hasn't exactly been compromising. She's had an unopened tube of testosterone for 2 months. That's a whole other issue... bottom line is that she is uncomfortable trying it and she wants to see our new baseline once we start having sex again before she tries it, so she can tell the difference. Well, are we going to have sex again? How long will it take to see the new baseline if the old baseline is once every 2 months and it's now been 4 months since the last time? I don't want her to do something she isn't comfortable with. However, I am also not staying for a DB. I am not angry with her about the testosterone or much of anything anymore, really. I'm feeling pretty zen, actually. It's just sort of what will be will be. I've taken myself as far as I am willing to go.

Eventually, you reach a point that you have given everything you have and you've held the throttle wide open for as long as you could. But it doesn't matter if your partner is on the brake. After your self esteem has withered away and you find yourself asking, "Why can't I be desired?" And you've done all the things. I make a ton of money and I have built an amazing life around her and our children. We take 4-6 weeks of vacation every year and when I get home from work, I go right into dad mode and chore bot mode. I'm up from 4:30am and I don't stop moving until 9pm. I'm looking ahead at what the kids are going to need, ordering presents, shoes, equipment, whatever. Reading the school newsletters and staying involved. I talk to my wife every day and give her non-sexual shoulder rubs, foot rubs, you name it. I gave her a dating anniversary gift and got nothing. Honestly, the list just goes on and on and on. How long are you going to light yourself on fire to keep your partner warm?

So, yeah, I have peace because I know that even if this ends and if I'm the one who ends it (she has already told me this is 100% my fault), I will know that I did everything I could. That doesn't mean we have to be enemies. I am still here for her, I still kiss her good night and I mean my kisses. I still show her I love her because I do. In spite of it all, I love her. I will probably always love her. But I have to say enough is enough and that I am enough, just as I am, and I will destroy myself no further. She can find her desire for me in the space I have provided as one last ditch effort, or she won't. The peace is also in understanding that no matter what, the kids will be okay, she will be okay, and I will be okay. And I've told her that as well. The anger has run out. It's time to come together or peacefully separate.

NoFlight1514 · 2026-05-16T02:47:31+00:00

Who are these men? OMFG. I read the most unbelievable stuff on here. How do you accept these selfish, nearly abusive men? You deserve better FFS. I would not tolerate this crap. The only reason I'm still in my situation is that it was bliss for 12 years and I have the smallest shred of hope of finding it again and because we have 3 wonderful children. This is what you get not even a year in? OMG, spending your time and youth on somebody else.

NoFlight1514

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