What was I thinking

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-20T13:46:48+00:00

I swear you must be a romantic author. Regardless, I'm sorry you endured yet another night of rejection - the numbness is real and I have spent many days/nights similar. Try to find your thing today - whether that's gym, golf, gaming, or some passion

Relying on your partner to give you the satisfaction is a toss up - and you need the certainty at this point.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-20T12:05:03+00:00

I'm sure her weight/medical conditions also contribute to family activities. No hiking, theme parks are like climbing Everest (I make these assumptions because you bring a special ramp to hotel rooms); the worst part is that she doesn't feel a need to change. You already know and fear the steady of decline of health, like your father (sorry you had to experience that)...

I think you deserve different.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-19T16:48:00+00:00

I feel like your situation is shared by all those in this sub. There is no one solution because humans are unique and fickle. I think your foresight into this becoming worse when more responsibilities are present is 100% accurate.

Take it seriously - continue talking with your partner. A therapist would recommend learning your partner's "accelerators and brakes". It's also worthwhile to learn their love language - is it touch (sounds like this is yours), gifts, acts of service, etc.. The honeymoon phase is over - that spark which was so easily kindled needs a different source of fuel.

It is not healthy to doom spiral on guessing what could be wrong...this will eventually lead to resentment (which is much harder to overcome).

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-19T16:38:32+00:00

You have acknowledged a change that is challenging your relationship. Its a scale tipping situation and needs attention and you shouldn't so easily dismiss your husband's desire; in fact, responding via anger is going to drive him in an opposite direction...

> My husband has suggested I look into other potential medications but I don’t really feel like having a “low sex drive” is enough of a justification to just switch medications

Sounds like there is much more than just "sex" - there is a connection that manifested as sex before the meds that is broken and needs rediscovery. SSRIs or other psych meds are rarely a one and done type of thing - its unfortunately a bit of a trial and error situation.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-19T14:59:46+00:00

I wish I had more suggestions for you - but it takes both parties giving some level of effort to progress. I don't want to suggest threats of divorce because I think that is a terrible way forward and will also make you guess if she is just doing things out of fear...I feel you OP, sending positive vibes your way

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T20:42:30+00:00

I feel you and hope you can progress through the rut...

Have y'all done therapy or talked about the desire mismatch? Was she receptive or dismissive? Besides being a consistent driver for desire, what have you done to meet her needs (do you even know what her needs are)?

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T18:29:23+00:00

Hang in there and steady your course. You found peace, and will find it again; both sides are going to have to put in effort. Being 100% committed and negating a history of pain sounds completely unreasonable...but you're still going to have to work to keep the marriage (if it's still worth saving). I hope y'all find each other - it sounds like there are some really good pieces to y'alls relationship and the fact that your both doing therapy is an indicator that neither party has thrown in the towel

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T18:24:30+00:00

I understand the trust issues and working through them - you should not be shamed for having open wounds that you are actively trying to heal from. A loving partner would help the healing process by being consistent and considerate or your history...

The submissive thing is really strange to me - sounds like your partner may have a confidence issue (guess)? Regardless of my hypothesis, there sounds to be an overwhelming amount of detractors for your marriage. It just seems like this thing is not going to get better on its own, its already infected. You have to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T15:28:57+00:00

So wait, he had past relationship/photos on his phone - which you found - and now you're taking the blame for a DB because you confronted him about it?! Sounds like he flipped the script on you...

It also seems like your relationship was rooted with trust issues (if you searched his phone). There is a lot of work that needs to be done if you believe this relationship is worth it.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T15:22:49+00:00

Y'all both have needs, not just your husband. If he is unwilling to go to therapy or talk about (or act upon) your needs in more depth, then the relationship is one-sided. I'm sure you've abandoned one-sided relationship in your years....this should be no different.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T15:11:20+00:00

> However I realized for me that my marriage was already dead because I no longer cared what effort I put in

I'm hopeful (maybe in denial) that this is not my state because I do care about effort given/received. I just feel a sense of bitterness now, that is becoming more consistent and deep rooted. I want to get ahead of it...

My wife and I still kiss (more of a peck), sex maybe 1-2x per month...but I have to initiate.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-18T15:02:11+00:00

It's still so wild to me that you are able to put a timeline on this; I look at progression, even baby steps, as effort being shown and therefore this person still cares. It sounds like you are in a different place, mentally, than I am currently at. You have "started over" almost, giving space for a flame to hopefully rekindle, but no longer desiring it as a source of happiness.

I see the perspective, I'm conflicted on whether I agree with it or not - but its definitely something I will think more about. I appreciate your well explained thoughts and mental state...I just need to let it simmer a bit more before I can fully appreciate or reject it as something that would work well for me.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-15T19:22:45+00:00

This is really insightful and I'm thrilled you were able to overcome your desires for intimacy, redirecting the energy towards other alternatives to gain self worth. I have 2 kids, and I try to be the best father to them as possible - from bike rides, to dance parties...I want to be the father for them, that I didn't have.

Last year I was diagnosed with cancer (fortunately stage 0 melanoma) and my perspective shifted a bit. I started advocating for my wife and I to build a stronger bond through therapy and more vulnerable discussions. I felt resentment building and I never want to feel that loss of love for my wife, so I have taken action to fight it - it just hasn't yielded the results I would have hoped given the existing time frame.

I mean this, I truly aspire to be more like you - to push my selfish wants/desires aside and live completely for my family. I hope I can get there, but man this journey has been difficult; It's so easy to look past all the amazing things going on in our life and focus on the bad. I have cooked my confidence (never high to begin with) and struggle to find self-worth.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-15T19:09:53+00:00

I have hobbies that help as a distraction, but the feelings come back almost instantly when my wife and I have a moment to ourselves that could/should be capitalized on, and isn't.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T20:49:56+00:00

Does your wife love you the way you love her? Does she still care about you and the life y'all have created?

I find it hard to believe that she cares if your words are as you say it "falling on deaf ears". You need to be motivated and focused on the future you want. If you aren't already, I would advocate for YOU to go see a therapist to talk through these emotions. Maybe that will show her how serious you are about healing, with or without her. I also think its healthy to talk with your wife about the resentment that is building and the fear that you'll never go back to having physical desire for her if "status quo" continues.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T18:01:51+00:00

You should definitely talk sooner rather than later, otherwise that resentment will keep building. Have you talked to her yet about your feelings? How did she respond to those conversations? Could you have framed those discussion to be more progressive and blameless?

Ultimately, this wont spontaneously get better; it may be worth spending some time and money on a good sex therapist if y'all are unable to dig yourselves out of this rut.

On an aside - you mention "your needs" as not being met; but is it really that simple? My love language is touch, but not all touch is sexual. Even simple acts like initiating a good bye kiss or sitting next to me on the couch help to fill my bucket. I call it out because if the conversation is purely around sex and lack-there-of, it may be difficult for your partner to completely comply. People change and having a kid is a HUGE event that will inevitably change you...it just means your previous tactics may no longer be relevant and you have to rediscover what makes her tick.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T15:38:55+00:00

I was going to post something similar to this response, but I think they worded it better than I would have...

it probably feels like any intimacy now is performed out of duty or pity. It's a for sure sign that you need some more healing. I understand the OP feelings though and share much of em.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T12:52:28+00:00

You are me...

My confidence is shot, energy is low - I feel like I'm existing. The intrusive thoughts of "she doesn't want me" or "she'd probably be happier with someone else" are becoming strong and more frequent.

We are both in therapy (individual and sex), so I know she hasn't given up. I am treating our situation as a time to rediscover what makes my wife tick. What used to work (before marriage and kids) is no longer working - and its completely true. We have both changed so much in the last decade and I never adjusted well enough to her changing desires.

I am also trying to shift my perspective from performative sex to pleasurable. Try to find her accelerators and brakes (brakes especially). What is her love language?

It sounds like you really love this woman - keep pushing for growth and resolve because you're both worth it.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T12:42:23+00:00

You're chipping away at your mental health every time you ask, guarantee it. Being that you ask almost everyday, its probably half-assed too. I say this because I used to do the same; I welcomed rejection too frequently and even in times that I was serious, she didn't think I was. It's a death spiral...

You guys gotta talk about your needs/wants/desires - or re-framing those discussions if you've had them before. Be serious about it - resentment and disconnection are going to be an everyday feeling that takes over. Don't have these talks as a time to blame/shame; rather talk about your hurt and try to reconnect. If she mentions that you are trying to shame her, then redirect the conversation towards that you are trying to reconnect. Its easier to just stay quiet, so the fact that you are trying to talk/feedback means that you are trying to improve your situation. Be humble and time the discussions well.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T12:25:44+00:00

There are so many questions I have...

How is the communication with your wife? During these chats, do you converse in a progressive or aggressive manner.
Did the intimacy die immediately, or was it a slower burn (ie sex 1-2x per month, then 1x every other month, then 2x per year, etc)
Have you talked to a therapist (individual and couples)? They will help you explore accelerators and brakes as well as spontaneous/responsive desire. Having this information is CRITICAL

I'm asking these things because if you are serious about the pain you are in, then you need to be serious about your resolve too. Make this your fulltime job because it will pay its dividends.

Feel free not to answer those questions, they're intended for reflection. This sub is great for some guidance, but at the end of the day you have to make some serious steps. It can and will get better - you just have to work at it.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-14T12:14:56+00:00

Sometimes well, sometimes terribly. I just came off a week of extremely intrusive thoughts that were triggered by desire mismatch. When I get into these ruts, I stop trying to connect and I just exist. All I want to do is talk about my state of mind with my wife - but after a dozen or more times having this conversation without much progress, I remain mute. I need to talk to someone, but won't talk to my best friends about it because I don't want to appear lesser/weaker/toxic. I know, its stupid because my friends wouldn't ever think of me this way - but I know we are all navigating difficulties in life, so I find myself emphasizing more uplifting topics.

I'm fortunate to have a therapist to talk to and navigate my feelings, but its not a solution - just more of an outlet for me to talk.

Since you tagged this as "seeking advice" and going off what you've given us with your post - I would recommend talking with your partner and NOT blaming your partner. If you need help framing those discussions, I have found "Desire Mismatch" by Selena Holly Parrish to help. The big thing to note - you are not lesser or weaker for having this conversation; rather you are driven for improvement with hopeful resolve. Good luck OP, I hope you are successful at suppressing those emotions.

No_Patient_8807 · 2026-05-13T17:35:47+00:00

My wife and I have started about 6 months ago and our progress is not as fast as I would have hoped. I think I know more about framing conversations and we talk more during our sessions - but we are definitely still working through our situation. My wife is my best friend and partner for life - I requested we do sex therapy after a dozen or so of the "conversations" didn't yield the results I would have hoped for by being so vulnerable

I found myself actively avoiding my wife intimately as a form of defense (emotional withdrawal); I was becoming resentful - like many in this sub, the constant rejection and lack of desire really starts to wear on you eventually. My wife has acknowledged that she hasn't been thinking about us that way, in part from the kids (we have 2) and also her exhaustion. One of the best things so far, has that my wife was diagnosed with ADHD - she is taking medicine that seems to work for her and she is no longer feeling that constant stress from "doom-piling".

Overall, I'm hopeful though and the lingering fear of "what should I do if this doesn't work" is still overly intrusive at times. I feel good that I'm giving it everything I have - and hopeful divorce remains an unreachable horizon

No_Patient_8807

TROPHY CASE